NFL Draft: All Hail Clowney

This is a weird year for the NFL draft (there's a guy named Barkevious.) And since I can talk to this piece of paper and it can't run away, or politely change the subject, or just get up and walk away, or tell me it doesn't want to hang out with me anymore, and then sleep with my girlfriend, get ready for the first annual Zackipedia NFL draft coverage.

Anyone can post a mock draft, so I'm not going to waste your time. Mostly because I would normally do it, but it would just be me finding a way for the best player to get to the Seahawks, and they don't have a first round pick this year. But, here are the biggest story lines of the 2013 NFL draft, according to me. 

Jadeveon Clowney- Make no mistake, Jadeveon Clowney is the number one story in anything football related. Yes, the Ravens won the Superbowl, but that was in a Pre-Clowney era. Yes, 4 NFL players might come out of the closet, but how does this affect who gets the Clowney Pick next year. Yes, there are countless people with jelly brains suing the NFL, but how many more will there be once Clowney is in the league? He almost killed a guy last year. So, there are two potential story Clowney lines this year:

1) The Chiefs announce they're taking Luke Joeckel (Joeckel just sounds like the name of a Kansas City Chief) and as soon as he announces it, the car crash sound plays over the PA and Stone Cold Steve Austin's ring anthem plays, but here's the catch: in walks Clowney. He walks up to the stage, and Joeckel tries and fails to stop him. Andy Reid's face turns red, marking the official beginning of the football season. Clowney goes up to the podium, rips the microphone from Goodell's hand, and basically gives the "see you at Wrestlemania" speech that every wrestler seems to give, but instead of see you at Wrestlemania, it's see you next year. Eric Fisher cowers in his seat, because he knows he's next. The Jacksonville Jaguars take Matt Barkley with the second pick, basically assuring themselves the Clowney Pick. 

2) One team drafts Clowney this year. Sure, he's not eligible, but who cares about rules? When does change happen? When somebody breaks the rules. If nobody ever broke the rules, we would still be living in England, eating baked beans and brushing our teeth with frosting. And how great would it be if teams could draft college players before they are eligible to come out? So one team this year, let's call them the "Seahawks" drafts Clowney this year. This wouldn't mean he could come out and play in the NFL this year. The "Seahawks" would just have his rights. So, next year when he leaves school, he's not in the draft, he just goes to Seattle. This would dramatically change the landscape of the NFL. The only rule would be the player has to have completed one year of college. So let's say the top prospect finishes his first year, and some team wants to take him. How high do you take him? It's still about risk management. He could take a class in oceanography the next semester and realize he's found his calling and quit football. Or he could injure his knee. The point is, I want Clowney on the Seahawks, and this is the only way I can see it happening. 

What's the most dangerous vehicle?

On the popular website twitter.com @edsbs poses the following question: "...what vehicle, with no prior experience, would you kill yourself fastest attempting to pilot?" There is only one answer, and I will tell you what it is. But I will first list the other answers that were suggested, and explain why they are wrong.

Helicopter: A helicopter, like any other flying vehicle, is ludicrous to even consider as an answer. While you would almost assuredly kill yourself trying to pilot a helicopter, it is not the one that would kill you the fastest. It would take you time to figure out how to a) get it off the ground and b) get it high enough off the ground to kill you in a crash, assuming you're strapped in properly.

Dragon: Nice try, but a dragon would be disqualified. The question is "what vehicle would you kill yourself fastest attempting to pilot?" A dragon would kill you before you attempt to pilot it. It would kill you without thinking, and it would enjoy it.

Funny Car: Again, nice try. Funny car and those fast motorcycles are out. Even though it's really fast and phallic, it's still a car. You can drive a car. Unless you were trying to kill yourself, this would not be it. And, if you were trying to kill yourself, a regular car or motorcycle would do just as well. But look for help first. Life's worth living.

Blimp: It's a balloon. Come on.

Submarine: I don't think people understand how vehicles work. They are designed with the idea that the passengers survive. You would not be able to figure out how to use a submarine, and it would be really hard to kill yourself with a submarine.

Tardis: I can't believe these people who are suggesting these things. A) You could not pilot a TARDIS. B) A TARDIS would actually try to keep you alive. It has a brain and a heart and everything.

Jetpack: Finally, a reasonable answer. Let me tell you why the jet pack is the only answer. A) It is easy to operate. B) It would take roughly 4 seconds, depending on the jet pack, to get you high enough to kill you. C) It shoots out fire, and contains fuel. It's basically a poorly made bomb attached to your back. It's a miracle when it doesn't kill you. D) There's no safety system. Can't emphasize this one enough.

Todd VanDerWerff is shitty.

On the popular website twitter.com, supposed "TV" "Critic" Todd "VanDerWerff" just now complained about the lack of people on the internet saying he was shitty. I can only assume because he is not shitty, but when a friend asks for help, I answer the call. I wouldn't call him a friend, but also when a stranger on the internet makes comments about the lack of people saying he's shitty, I make up some reasons why he's shitty. So, here are some reasons why Todd VanDerWerff is shitty.

1. He capitalizes too many letters in his last name. It's like, come on. Do you really need all those capitals? Who are you trying to impress?

2. His twitter picture is a goofy owl (I think) and I don't get the reference. He should pander directly to me, personally. In fact, I think I should be able to text or email him a picture suggestion and he should change it, no questions act.

3. What do we really know about Todd VanDerWerff? I mean, what kind of a name is Todd, anyways? I don't trust the parents that would name another human being "Todd" to raise children. Actually, scratch that, I forgot either the fox or the hound from The Fox and the Hound is named Todd. I think it's the fox.

4. Has he even been to the moon?

5. He spends a lot of time watching television, and I have it from several good authorities that TV rots your brain. Shouldn't we question the consistency of Mr. VanDerWerff's brain at this point?

6. He might not like my favorite shows. I don't actually know on this one. It's just too tough to nail down a list of "favorite shows."

7. The name Todd is growing on me. Is the name Todd a parasite? That would be a negative.

8. What kind of a twitter handle is tvoti? I mean seriously, again, I don't get the reference.

9. He has googled himself at least once, or he's a liar. Neither of these are positives.

10. What's his stance on slavery? I'm against it, but what about him? Why is he silent on the issue?

11. He didn't even sign the declaration of independence.

12. Just what kind of a name is VanDerWerff? (I actually like typing it now.)

13. He's never loaned me money.

14. He's never even seen my TV show.

15. He's probably not going to read this. And for all I know, he likes the bands I don't like.

Take that, jerk.

Cottonelle

I just don't know what to say. Here's the commercial. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mDqCLZazPBE Please watch it, then we can discuss.



So, let's take it blow by blow. I'm going to name the characters TP and Sis, for the sake of convenience. First, TP asks Sis "Where are you hiding your moist wipes?" Now, I've been in several bathrooms, I've been to several countries, and I've never felt that "moist wipes" were essential to the bathroom experience. I also feel like because of the lack of "moist wipes" in every bathroom I've ever been in, around the globe, I'm not in the minority. So, I think that puts TP squarely in the minority. TP is astonished that Sis does not have moist wipes in her bathroom. In fact, she assumes that Sis must have moist wipes in her bathroom, and she is hiding them. She goes so far as to ask Sis where she's hiding her moist wipes. She's astonished. She must has a moist wipe, and it can be assumed that this is all before she even has need for the moist wipes. She is not "caught with her pants down," so to speak. She is preemptively checking for moist wipes. They are so important to her that she thinks to check for moist wipes in the height of chaos, in the height of supposed necessity for moist wipes.

Sis, like a normal person, says she does not need them. Again, I need to stress that Sis is in the majority here. Never in my life have I encountered a necessity for moist wipes. I think it's reasonable to assert that I am not some sort of cave troll, and behind the times of hygiene. I have, in fact, spent night after night cleaning bathrooms for the general populous. And in these bathrooms, it was one of my responsibilities to refill the toilet paper, but it was not a responsibility to refill moist wipes. Again, I am not saying that moist wipes are unnecessary, I am just saying that never in my life have I felt an aching need for a moist wipe, and I think that the general population is not in need of moist wipes.

After this moment, the commercial starts to take a nasty turn. TP is so outraged at the lack of moist wipes, that she becomes almost a martyr. She needs to show Sis what it's like for her, and her people (the moist wipe obsessed.) So, she goes into a moment of blind rage. And in this moment of rage, she loses control and cedes tactical position. She goes into the bath tub and shows to Sis what it's like for her and her people. She shows the grinding feeling her (albeit crazy) people feel when they are forced by the ruling class to "get clean with TP but no moist wipes."

This is where the commercial descends into chaos. Sis seizes her opportunity to manipulate TP's poor tactical position and turns on the water to the shower. This serves the purpose of showing TP just what water can do, and also humiliating her. But, it also leaves the viewer with a confused message. This is supposedly a commercial for Cottonelle Moist Wipes, yet TP, who is championing the moist wipes, ends the commercial humiliated and defeated.

So, what is the viewer supposed to glean from this commercial? Is Cottonelle trying to create a market for the Moist Wipe? If so, why are they using this woman, who may or may not understand social conventions? Also, if they are trying to create a market, why are they taking this aggressive standpoint? And this cannot be the first commercial for the moist wipes. Are they trying to sell a different use for the Moist Wipe? Are other companies going to take up this strategy? Are we going to see commercials where someone is astonished that people aren't using their cars as a house, or using their pizza as a painting, or using their garbage can as a speaker? Who's to say? But, there's no denying this commercial is the first step down a disturbing path. And it cannot be ignored.