I can't decide if this is a cry for help or not.

I've heard the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. So, in front of the three people who could possibly read this, I'm going to admit that I have a problem. I will watch literally any TV show on Netflix. I don't often watch TV shows regularly when the episodes are new, because I can either remember what day and time a show is on, or know what day it is, but not both simultaneously. Netflix has solved this problem for me, but it has presented a new problem. 

Someone I know recently told me about a show that he described as prematurely canceled. My mind immediately went to Arrested Development, which I like and have watched in its entirety. So, naturally I was intrigued. I went home and watched the first episode and it's laughable at best. I finished watching the show when the person who told me about it was present, mainly so I could berate it in front of him. We finished the next episode and proceeded to watch the next few. The person whom I will never let live down telling me about this show left and my brother and I are now on season two. It's a serious problem, and I am currently searching for a group to help (Update: Wikipedia says television addiction is a real thing. I don't actually think I have that. But I would be interested in a group of people who like terrible TV shows to commiserate with.) That all got a little too serious. Here is a list of terrible TV shows that I have watched, am watching, or would consider watching.

Reaper: This is the show I was talking about. It's about a boy whose parents sold his soul to the devil before he was born. Supernatural legal ramifications not withstanding, the rest of the show doesn't improve much. The parents, of course think they can outsmart the devil by not having kids, but they can't trick a trickster. The devil gets a doctor to lie to them and tell them they can't have kids, so they of course take advantage of that news like any married christian adults would. They have a kid, and the devil comes to collect on his 21st birthday for some reason. The devil does not kill the kid, or have him kill people, he has him 'return escaped souls to hell.' Put best by the devil, played by that one guy from that one thing, describes the show best right after he gives him the news: "That's cool, right?" Which, to me is the creators of the show saying "please let it be cool please let it be cool please let it be cool." If you like going "Hey, it's that guy" this is the show for you.

Firefly: People really like this show apparently. It's morally ambiguous space cowboys in the future. There's a Baldwin in it, and he's apparently really dumb and I think he has a girl's name. The captain is now on another show that people apparently like, and his accent is "guy who watched too many cowboy movies as a kid."  There is an intergalactic prostitute, and a government experiment, and a preacher, and a Rosie-the-riveter mechanic. I think this is what would happen if you combined every movie ever. It's all very confusing and cheesy and the characters are basically cartoons, and I think I've seen every episode and the movie.

Doctor Who: I can only speak for the new episodes, I haven't seen anything before it was rebooted. The premise is ridiculous. It's space detective who can never die, and while they don't really have a low special effects budget, they want you to think that they do. Most of the problems are caused by a problem that either can't be seen, or could be bought at Fred Meyer. Some of his more iconic nemeses include rolling trash cans, and creatures that turn into statues when anyone looks at them. Other favorites include the episode with robots so small they couldn't be seen, and the various shape shifters, possessed people and monsters that can only be seen by certain people. By the way, he has a screw driver that can do anything and instead of dying, he just turns into a different British guy. New episodes start in August. 

Torchwood: It's an anagram of Doctor Who. Get it?

Olympics

The Olympics are coming up, probably, so this is as good a time as any for some Olympic trivia. If you're like me, you've always wanted to know what the Olympic rings represent, and you're subconsciously biased toward the odd numbered years. Well, I have answers. According to some article, the Olympic rings were debuted at the 1920 Olympic games in Antwerp. The colors represent the six colors, including white, found on all the flags in the world at the time. What about the rings? They represent the five inhabited continents of the world. Take that Australia.

It's a well known fact that there are people who live on the godless wasteland of Australia. So, logically if it doesn't qualify as an inhabited continent, and it is inhabited, it must not be a continent. If Australia is not a continent, it can only qualify as a godless wasteland, which is true. It has not yet been proven scientifically that the devil does not live in Australia. Frankly, I can understand why he would choose to live there. The commute is shorter. I'm not suggesting that the devil has a job in Australia, but the Australians do worship the lord of darkness. Ask any Australian and they will tell you that they worship the devil in all his forms, literary and physical, including but not limited to Voldemort, all depictions of the biblical Satan, Cthulu, and Kanye West. This is not a shot at the Australian people. They live on this pit of despair, and they are a better people for it. But lets not excuse the British for sticking them there. If we knew then what we know now about Australia, the British would have been tried for war crimes for using it as a penal colony. Everything in Australia will kill you, and there are people who have not yet fled in terror.

Everyone would be better off if Australia sank into the ocean. Unfortunately, the opposite is true. Australia is slowly rising from the depths of nothingness from which it came. The best we, as a society can do is ignore it until it finishes its ascent. Scientists are not yet sure why Australia is rising, but most who are well versed in the subject presume it is to wage a holy war on all that is good in nature. Global warming cannot be linked to the heat created by Australia rising from the pits, but it cannot be proven that is not the cause. Naturally there is no way to stop Australia on its path of destruction, the best we can do is wait. Wait, and hope. Wait and hope, and stay out of Australia.

Red Robin

Rumor has it there is going to be another Red Robin in Vancouver. That will make three without crossing the river and, according to the Red Robin website, 14 near Vancouver. I'm not trying to single out Red Robin. There are two Applebee's on consecutive free way exits. The problem isn't necessarily the restaurant. I wouldn't choose to eat at either, but I won't actively avoid them. The problem is that we are coming up on three Red Robins and three Applebee's off the top of my head. We have roughly eight burger chain restaurant locations not counting fast food, and we have zero good Italian restaurants. I'm not even mentioning the Ol*ve Ga*den or the Old Spaghetti Factory, because the burger places are more egregious. There are at least three places with better burgers than Red Robin and Applebee's. Do you know where there is a good Italian restaurant in Vancouver? That's not a hypothetical question. If you know of a place, leave it in the comments. I've been to four* that I can remember. I don't remember the names, but I will rank them from worst to best:

4: The place where I ordered bolognese. I went to this place once and ordered bolognese. For all I know, they have the world's best bolognese and the one time I ordered it, the cook was in a joking mood. Maybe right when I ordered it, he thought "Hey, wouldn't it be hilarious if I gave this guy spaghetti with red sauce and shredded beef soaked in vinegar on top? Don't worry, I'll overcook the spaghetti." That's the best case scenario. Worst case scenario, they're not 100% sure what bolognese means. They heard somewhere that it has something to do with meat, so they just threw some beef on top. Either way, I'm not going to risk it again.

3. The place where I ordered gnocchi. I went to this place once and ordered gnocchi. I will state the positives first. The bread was pretty good. Now the negatives. Actually, I don't really know if it's a negative. I would say this is a good place to go if you want someone to heat up gnocchi for you and put pizza cheese on it. If you're against melted cheese on pasta, don't worry. It wasn't melted. The biggest problem with these gnocchi is that while time consuming, gnocchi are pretty easy to make. And the difference between prepackaged heated up gnocchi and home-made gnocchi is roughly the same as the difference between eating a ham sandwich and being punched in the throat. I would tolerate being in an unhappy relationship longer than I will tolerate eating prepackaged gnocchi. I would marry a woman just because she makes gnocchi. And in our later years, when we realize the only thing we have in common is that she likes to make gnocchi and I like to eat them, and we begin to hate each other bitterly, but we stay together because it's easier than splitting everything up and trying to meet someone new so late in life, I will be happy because I'm not eating store bought gnocchi. I would rather be a suspect in the investigation surrounding my wife's suspicious death than eat store bought gnocchi. I haven't been back to this place.

2. The place where I ordered spaghetti. I ordered spaghetti at this place for a baseline. I wanted to see if it would be as bad as I thought. It was exactly what I was expecting: overcooked pasta and canned sauce. I would call this place the standard.

1. The place where I ordered carbonara. They put cream in their carbonara. I know there are some people who put cream in their carbonara and some who don't. I prefer it without. This was by far the best pasta in Vancouver. It was OK. I've had better.

*I have been tricked into going to Olive Garden once. I prefer not to acknowledge it.

Summer Movie Primer

I've decided that it's a good point in the summer for a summer movie primer. This will be a definitive source of information for you when deciding what movie to go see during the summer. Since we're already part of the way through the summer movie season, there will be some movies that have come out already, and some that have yet to come out. I of course haven't seen the ones that haven't come out yet, but they will mostly be  movies that I'm anticipating. I'll try to start with the movies that have already come out. I doubt they're all still in theaters but you could probably rent them. I've never rented a movie so I'm not sure how that works.

It seems sketchy to me. You're paying five dollars to have a movie for a few days, when a brand new movie is fifteen dollars max. In essence, the options are pay five dollars to have a movie for three days (or however long, again I've never done it) or pay ten more dollars to have it until you die or give it away or do whatever you want with it. I think the person at the counter at every movie renting store should be legally obligated to say "You know that if you just pay a little bit more you get to keep it forever?" If the person still decides to rent it, their name should be put on a list and their vote shouldn't count. I don't want that person voting for the president.

There are a lot of people I don't actually want voting for the president, unfortunately there is no way to effectively keep them from voting. Maybe if their names were on a list, we could just not count their vote, but then the person who monitors that list would have too much power. There could be someone at the polls turning people away, but again too much power. And that doesn't account for mail in voters. So, until people who rent DVDs instead of buying them can take responsibility for their terrible decisions and abstain from voting for the president, there will be no way to keep these scoundrels from making their voices heard. Actually, the presidency is determined by the electoral college, and not the popular vote anyways, so it doesn't really matter. Onto the movies:

Drive: I realize that it came out in 2011, but it was my favorite movie of 2011. If you're a movie renting communist, you can rent this probably. I don't like to oversell movies, so I'll just say that it was my favorite movie of 2011, and it's on track to be my favorite movie of 2012. Also, every time I see a copy of it on DVD for SALE, the impulse in my brain is "they sell Drive, you need to buy Drive."

True Grit: Again, this one didn't come out this year, but it was good. I would say it was better than the original. If you haven't seen it, you should.

The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo: I promise this is the last movie that didn't come out this year. But this one is really good too, if you don't mind graphic rape scenes.

The Hunger Games: I haven't read the books or anything, but it wasn't bad if you don't mind teen love stories.

The Avengers: The Avengers was good, if you don't mind super hero movies. And if you haven't seen the other three (Iron Man, Thor, and Captain America), they're pretty good if you don't mind super hero movies.

Safety Not Guaranteed: I liked this one. It might be out of theaters already. It's good if you like Mark Duplass ventures.

Brave: I liked it. The short wasn't my favorite. My favorite is the one where the old guy plays chess with himself. The word "chess" really saved that sentence. It's good if you like animated movies.

Moonrise Kingdom: Go see Moonrise Kingdom.

That's all the good summer movies I can think of so far. You can officially skip The Lorax. You're welcome. I haven't seen Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter yet. Oh, I'll start the ones I haven't seen yet.

Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter: I haven't seen this yet, but I read the book. The book was weird, and I don't see how they can make a good movie out of it. It's one third biographical, one third vampire hunting, and one third pro union propaganda.

You'll notice I've stopped the Drive related links. I don't want to associate any of these movies I haven't seen with Drive, in case they're not good. 

Wait I forgot a good one. The Amazing Spider-man is good if you like Spider-man movies.

Ted: Go ahead and skip it.

Dark Knight Rises: I'll probably see this one, even though Christian Bale was part of the team that ruined the Terminator franchise.

Terminator: I realize it came out in the 80's but it's great, and I heard that some theater in Portland was just playing it. Go see it, or if you OWN it on DVD you should watch it.

Well, that's all the movies I can think of that come out this summer. If there's one I forgot, leave it in the comments, and I'll tell you whether or not to see it. Have fun watching Drive.

Derek Jeter

Deadspin is a sportsy website and today they had a contest: Can You Write the Dumbest Story Ever about Derek Jeter? (Derek Jeter is a baseball player on the New York Yankees.) This is my submission.

“People always ask me what I do in the offseason. It’s really when I have the most time to hone my craft. Sure, baseball is great, but eventually the body gives out. I need something to do after the Yankees realize my career is over. I’ve always had the looks, and a few years ago I decided I was going to take advantage of them...” Jeter rambled on like this for a while, and I frantically took notes. This was my first big break, an exclusive interview with Derek Jeter. The Captain. One of the greatest Yankees of all time. A surefire hall of famer. I wasn’t going to miss a beat, which is why my attention piqued when Jeter said something I wasn’t expecting: “... and Clooney let me in on the secret. Ocean’s 11? It’s real.” I glanced back through my notes. He couldn’t be talking about George Clooney, could he?

“That was when I decided to take my “hustling” skills to a whole new level. George and Matt have been super helpful. They’re great guys. We started with small cons, always in costume of course. You see, my first love, before baseball, was the stage. I fell in love with her at the age of nine when I was asked to play Juliet in an all male, adult version of Romeo and Juliet...” Jeter rambled on. I couldn’t believe it. If what he’s saying is true, George Clooney is actually a con artist, and the Ocean’s movies are based on true event. And, Derek Jeter may or may not have been sexually assaulted when he was nine. I’m sitting on a gold mine.

“...of course, when Bernie died, it was hard on all of us. That was when George asked me to step in full time. I told him I couldn’t up and retire, the public would know something was up. I didn’t want to be as sloppy as Jordan. So, that was when I decided to start tanking. I thought everyone would understand, I’m getting older, and my skills are eroding. Eventually the Yankees would ask me to retire, and I would go out gracefully. But, here we are, four years later and I’m still playing...” It was almost as if Jeter was talking like I wasn’t in the room. I was writing as fast as I could. This story was going to put my yet to be conceived illegitimate kids through college. That’s right. I’m going to get so much ass from this story, it’s inevitable that I will have at least one, if not a few children out of wedlock, but I will have the financial means to support them. Jeter is tanking on purpose. That alone will get me a book deal. I may have a series on my hand with the Clooney story to boot. But what’s this, Jeter’s stopped talking. He’s looking at me with those dreamboat eyes.

“You got all that kid?” Jeter asked politely.

“Umm... Yes Mr. Jeter.” I replied, keeping my best poker face.

“Now, the Pacquiao fight was my idea, ok. I want that clear in the story. I’ve split off from Clooney and the gang. I’m on my own now. You got that?”

“Yes Mr. Jeter.”

“Please, please, Mr. Jeter is my father’s name. Call me by my first name, Derek, my stage name, Lady Catalina- Mistress of the Night, or by my LARP name, Beldrake The Eternal Dark Lord. Anything but Mr. Jeter. So, do you need me to repeat anything? You got the bit about me and Queen Latifah? Ok, good. Here’s where it gets real.”

With that the lights went out and staring back at me were two glowing red orbs. It couldn’t be. There’s no way. I pinched myself to make sure this was real. The voice that came back from me in the dark was not the voice I had grown accustomed to over the past few hours. It sounded as if it was coming through a children’s toy. It was metallic and lifeless. I realized right then that the biggest obstacle to my inevitable fame from publishing this story was not convincing my editor that it was true, but escaping this interview with my life.

“I was created by a team of scientists. They’ve seen Terminator 2 one too many times, and they wanted to develop a human-like cyborg for when the resistance began. I was the first in a series of prototypes attempting to fine tune the coordination and movement of a human...” Cyborg Jeter rambled on. I couldn’t think about anything but my escape. I had to think fast.

“Is that Mandy Moore?” I screamed and pointed out the window. Jeter’s head spun around 540 degrees as if to make a point and I threw my glass of water at him, temporarily stunning him, and bolted for the door. I made it out and started sprinting for dear life, when I heard an ominous sound. It was the unmistakable sound of plastic cleats on concrete. I looked back to see death chasing me down in the embodied form of Derek Jeter sprinting at top speed, and gaining on me. He was smiling of course. And he was coming up fast. But no matter, I had made it into a crowd. And there was no way Jeter would attempt anything in a crowd. I looked back and Jeter wasn’t looking at me, but at the onlooking fans, who were so distracted by the Captain that they failed to realize he was chasing down a human being. And then I heard the last sound of my professional career. It was the unmistakable twinkle of a Derek Jeter wink. I looked back in enough time to see the crowd of onlookers encouraging Jeter to do whatever he had been miming. With that Jeter front flipped forward at an inhuman rate. His cleats came straight at my head, and the bottom of his shoe clipping the top of my head was the last sight I saw before I blacked out.

I awoke in a hospital bed with a bandage on my head, and thoughts racing through it. Of course Jeter ‘messed up’ the trick. Now I’ve suffered head trauma and nobody would believe me. But, why? Why would he share his story with me? Why would he reveal himself to me? Why would he tell me his LARP name? That’s ridiculous. It must have all been a dream. Derek Jeter isn’t a robot. I must have hit my head some other way. But it all seemed so real.  I was trying to work it all out when the doctor came in.

“You OK son? You took quite a fall. Lucky for everyone that you and Jeter are ok.” said the kindly old doctor.
“What? Jeter’s OK? Did he fall?”

“Oh yeah. I heard he’s on the news right now talking about the incident.” The TV flicked on to reveal the shortstop’s very human face.

“...yeah, he’s an old friend of mine. I heard he’s doing fine, I just want to wish him a speedy recovery. I guess it’s kind of embarrassing but I used to be a big time gymnast back in the day. I used to do this trick where one of my friends would run away from me as fast as they can, as if they had some terrible news and wanted to share it with the world, and I was the only one who could stop them, and I would chase them down with the devil at my back, and once I caught up to them, I would do a frontflip over them, and then come to a sliding halt and we would do patty cake and go watch the Fast and the Furious. Well, my friend and I were seeing if I could still do the trick and, well, you know the rest. I guess I shouldn’t have tried the trick. I haven’t done it in a while and I guess I was a bit... rusty?”

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fame

I don’t need to be rich. I don’t ever want to use all of my stored up clever ideas for cardboard signs, but I don’t need to be fabulously wealthy. Even in my wildest dreams, I’m never in a gold yacht wearing an uncomfortable gold suit eating a bowl full of money. However, I would like to someday be famous. I don’t need to be recognizable. I really am just hoping to one day be famous enough to use it to my advantage.

The rise to fame is charted easily enough. First, some non famous person does something that is enjoyed by the famous and maybe even the non famous. After that, they become wildly popular. The popularity is directly proportional to how great of a thing they’ve done. If they’ve done something incredible, like write a series of books about vampires and werewolves, they’ll become incredibly popular. However, if they’ve only done something average, like make a TV show about the government, they’ll only be averagely popular.

After this, they do something that’s deemed by the public as ‘selling out.’ This is when the popular person starts to advertise a product either on TV, the radio or otherwise. Once this happens, the popular person’s reputation is at the mercy of the people. The consequences can be anywhere from drastic to catastrophic. The public tends not to like the sell out because they seem to be cheap, or soulless, or whorish, or William Shatner. The public, as per usual, could not be any more wrong.

In most cases, the extremely famous are people, with exceptions for YouTube squirrels, capybaras, and professional athletes. Also in most cases, people like things and tend to use them. However, we as the uninformed masses tend to forget that these people like things and use them, so when they start to say that they like things we get upset. William Shatner wants me to use a website to book all of my trips. Who am I to say that William Shatner doesn’t love Priceline more than his first born? Maybe he has it as his home screen, wallpaper, and somehow as his wall paper in his house?

This is precisely why I want to be famous. Because I understand at least one thing about advertising: if you advertise someone’s product, they will reward you for it. I’m sure that William Shatner has never had to pay to use Priceline in his life. When (if) (but really, when) I become at least mildly famous, I will use this facet of my fame until it’s long past worn out. I will sell, pitch, and peddle every product that strikes my fancy.

My fancy is not easily struck, mind you. And since I don’t want to “sell out” after I become famous, I’m going to start now. I’m going to now pitch, in order, every product that I can confidently recommend without fear of a negative response. That way, when I become famous, I will already have a reputation as somewhat of a peddler, and if I become instantly successful, like I imagine I won’t, maybe I will see some instant return.

Ruby Jewel Ice Cream Sandwiches

Ruby Jewel is a brand of Ice Cream Sandwiches. Therefore, they might not be for people who don’t enjoy dairy, or sugar, or the happiness of a child on Christmas Morning. I’m not sure how they are made, but I think one is made every time a virginity is lost. I think the ice cream may be scooped from the clouds, although I can’t confirm that either. If I were to go to the doctor tomorrow and he were to tell me that I had contracted a horrible cancer from all the ice cream sandwiches I had eaten and I only had six months to live, I would laugh at him. Because my doctor is a pessimist, and the pessimist sees my hypothetical disease as a tragic end to a short life. But I am an optimist. And the optimist sees my six months to live as six more months to eat ice cream sandwiches. Ruby Jewel ice cream sandwiches come in seven flavors that I’ve seen. They all have one flavor of cookie and another flavor of ice cream. The cookies are always soft. I can only assume that there is some terrible chemical additive that makes the cookies soft. However, if you were to tell me that this chemical was the blood of those African children who want ten cents a day, I would still eat them. If you were to tell me that I had a choice between soft cookies and a solution to the economic problems of the world, I would gladly take soft cookies. I would eat my ice cream sandwiches and laugh at the news knowing I could have made a difference. I can not be convinced that my love of Ruby Jewel ice cream sandwiches did not kill Kim Jong Il. Fire and water rain down from the sky, there are monkeys who can speak sign language, who’s to say that pure love of an ice cream sandwich can’t bring down a Korean dictator? I would trade my first born for a Ruby Jewel ice cream sandwich. In fact, I wouldn’t even have to think about it. I would trade my first born for the opportunity to overpay for a Ruby Jewel. There is no peace in the middle east because Ruby Jewel is made in Portland, and as far as I know, they don’t ship to the middle east.. There is one flaw to Ruby Jewel. You can only choose one flavor at a time. The correct choice would of course be to choose all the flavors simultaneously. However, I have not yet figured out how to accomplish this. So, no matter which flavor you choose, you have chosen the wrong flavor. If you’re wondering, my personal favorite is either lemon and honey lavender, Double chocolate and mint, cinnamon and espresso, double chocolate and peanut butter, ginger and pumpkin, salted caramel and dark chocolate, or chocolate chip and vanilla. It’s been almost a month since I’ve had a Ruby Jewel ice cream sandwich. Don’t confuse this for tiring of their perfection. I am for gay marriage for one reason. One of the arguments against gay marriage is that once a man can marry a man, that would open the floodgates. If marriage is no longer between a man and a woman, who is to say that a man can’t marry his dog, or a duck. I’m hoping this does happen, and it leads to a dramatic series of events that ends in humans being able to marry other humans, animals, inanimate objects, ideas, and feelings. It is at that point that I will choose my bride: a lemon and honey lavender ruby jewel ice cream sandwich. Our love is so deep that I can go a month without having one. It’s the equivalent of letting my girlfriend hang out with her guy friends (I assume, I’ve never been in this situation.) I know that at the end of the day, the Lemon Honey Lavender Ruby Jewel ice cream sandwich only wants to come home with me.

Oxygen

Oxygen is good. It keeps us alive, and also fire needs oxygen to burn.

Game of Thrones Prop Bets

Tonight is the first episode of the second season of Game of Thrones. If you're a fan of the show and/or a degenerate gambler, seek help. You have a vice that is controlling you and it's most likely costing you the respect of your family, and may leave you destitute and alone. Also, here are some odds for tonight's episode in case you want to make a few extra bucks, or make the show a little more exciting or experience a high that none of your loved ones can replicate:

Number of times someone drops the C-bomb: 1.5

Over/Under: Minute mark the first C-bomb is dropped: 20:00

Over/Under: Number of people killed on screen: 3.5

Number of people found dead: 1.5

First character killed: 

Brann Stark: 4/1

Robb Stark: 3.5/1

Goffrey Lannister: 10/1

Tywin Lannister 4/1

Jamie Lannister 3/2

Shaggy Dog 20/1

Jon Snow 3/2

Over/Under Characters introduced by name 4.5

First Character to Appear Naked


Daenerys Targaryen 1/1

Cersei Lannister 3/2

Tyrion Lannister 6/1

Brann Stark 20/1

Ned Stark 100/1

Number of Sex Scenes 3.5


Number of Whitewalkers 0.5


Number of people killed by a dragon 0.5