Charles Barkley

On a recent episode of TNT Basketball show, TNT Basketball host and former NBA Basketball Player Charles Barkley made a joke. To paraphrase, he said that he had just seen Steven Spielberg's Lincoln, and now former president Abraham Lincoln, portrayed by Daniel Day-Lewis, was now his favorite president, because if it weren't for former president Lincoln, they would all be calling Ernie "boss." If you've never seen TNT Basketball show, Charles and two other commentators are black, and Ernie is white. So, the joke is that if it weren't for President Lincoln, the other three would still be slaves (Abraham Lincoln was the president when the thirteenth amendment, which outlawed slavery, was enacted) and Ernie would be their "boss." With his joke, Mr. Barkley is implying that had Mr. Lincoln not outlawed the act of slavery, nobody else would have, and so the black people on the TV set would be enslaved to the closest white person, in this case Ernie. Racial images aside, this joke implies three scenarios.

Scenario One: Charles Barkley did not know anything about Abraham Lincoln before seeing Steven Spielberg's Lincoln. This is not entirely out of the realm of possibility, and is the most logical conclusion that can be taken from Mr. Barkley's joke. Under this scenario, Mr. Barkley did not know that Mr. Lincoln was responsible for freeing the slaves and outlawing any future slavery. Under this scenario, Mr. Barkley then saw Steven Spielberg's Lincoln, learned that Abraham Lincoln, portrayed by Daniel Day-Lewis, was responsible for freeing the slaves. After learning this, Mr. Lincoln becomes Mr. Barkley's new favorite president. This is the most logical scenario for a few reasons. Mr. Barkley of course feels so passionately about the issue of slavery that the ender of slavery became his favorite president no questions asked. If Abraham Lincoln had been a drinker, and a womanizer, and a gambler, and a horse thief, we are to assume that he would still be Mr. Barkley's favorite president because he freed the slaves. The problem of this scenario is, of course, that Mr. Barkley went over 40 years of his life without knowing who was responsible for freeing the slaves. This is a problem, of course, because Mr. Lincoln, being a key figure in American history, is, based on anecdotal evidence, one of the most discussed characters today. So, that Mr. Barkley went the majority of his life without hearing about him would be upsetting for the american public school system, and the University of Auburn.

Scenario Two: Mr. Barkley's opinion of his favorite president changed upon seeing Steven Spielberg's Lincoln. This scenario should be summarily dismissed. This is the most disturbing scenario, more disturbing than the first.This implies that Mr. Barkley is so weak in his conviction that upon seeing a movie about Mr. Lincoln, Mr. Lincoln becomes his new favorite president. His track record shows that Mr. Barkley is a man of conviction, who is up front and honest, almost to a fault. This cannot be the case. Under this assumption, Mr. Barkley's favorite president would become former president Franklin Roosevelt after seeing Hyde Park on Hudson with me once he returns my emails. His favorite president would then become Terry Crews after seeing Idiocracy. He would then go back to Lincoln after seeing Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. This is the remotest of possibilities.

Scenario Three: Mr. Barkley is a comedic genius. This is entirely possible, and maybe the most believable. Under this scenario, Mr. Barkley understands the inherent contradiction of his joke, that it would imply that this is the first time he has learned about Mr. Lincoln, which would be absurd given how influential he was on the history of the country. Mr. Barkley also understands the inherent tension of the joke, being almost a faux pas that would assuredly make poor Ernie blush at the least. Mr. Barkley also understands the public backlash of making such a bold joke on TNT Basketball show, the main focus of which being to discuss all the happenings of Basketball, which makes a racial joke like the one Mr. Barkley told absurd and out of place. This is the most positive scenario, because it assumes Mr. Barkley was aware of Mr. Lincoln's impact, and also that Mr. Barkley has a sense of humor.

Hungry Hungry Hippos

It appears the Mayans had the right idea, but were off on the year. Apparently, Hasbro is going to make a Hungry Hungry Hippos movie. No, seriously. So, if anyone reading this has any connections to Hasbro, please give them my personal phone number, I have some big ideas for the script. I've never actually written a screenplay, or really anything professionally, so I think I'm more than qualified to write a script for a movie based on a game that involves frantically pushing a button, and random chance. Actually, I have several ideas for other movies based on toys. I'll be contacting Hasbro as soon as I'm done with this, and I'll let you know how it goes. I'm at least hoping they'll hear me out. The following is a list of ideas for stories based on child hood toys:

Hungry Hungry Hippos:

A popular game has developed in Africa where people can throw balls into water, and bet on which hippo will eat the ball. The game becomes a worldwide sensation, until one day, the hippos turn violent a la Deep Blue Sea. Things have gone exactly as the hippos planned, and they unleash a hippo army on the millions of spectators. A small group of survivors are followed, as they set up a new society post hippo apocalypse. 

The Rubiks Cube:

A mysterious multi-colored cube appears from the sky, and in a Sword in the Stone like competition, people from all over the world come to try to figure out the cube. One young boy is successful, and he either gains ultimate power, or it triggers an explosion that has to be stopped. I'm not sure which yet. Maybe both.

Bop-it:

Several multi-colored sticks crash land on earth, and they become hugely popular as a Simon says like game. Everyone, except for a select few, takes to playing with the sticks, not knowing that they are slowly being brain washed by the sticks. Now it's up to a select few to find out what happened, and save the planet. 

20 Questions (the electronic game):

A telepathic device is discovered in an ancient Egyptian tomb (I'm tired of things crash landing from space) and falls into the wrong hands. It will take a genius, probably, to beat the man who possesses the device, recover it, and send it back to where it came from, probably space either way. 

Dice (the six sided cubes):

Strange six sided cubes crash land on Earth, and their rolls determine the future. The human race must band together to defeat the six sided cubes, and rescue humanity from their tyrannical reign. 

Playing Cards:

In medieval times, four royal families are warring, and the peasants are suffering. One boy goes to a mysterious voodoo priest, or wizard or something, for help. The priest wizard gives him a series of pieces of paper that can control the royal families. Now, a young boy is in control of the fate of several countries, and only he can stop the war. Or can he? 

Jacks: 

A secret society, or aliens or Egyptians, have developed a series of explosives that stick to anything and explode with 100% lethal accuracy. A team of scientists discover that the only way to remove the bombs is a bouncing object that makes the bomb removable for a period of time. Now it's a war of bombs versus bomb removers for some reason. 

I missed my calling.

For one of my classes, we're supposed to translate poems from Spanish to English without looking it up. Here it is. From what I understand of poetry, I should be getting an award for this any time now.


I Fly

Alcove see, brother or die, live,
since, when no live
here bushel, bushels,
enter foot and ocean,
at the porcelain light
of the SPAM.
Here bushel bushels,
because here flies sin, decides nothing,
sin wants, sin mouth, pure,
here flies to Mr. Movement
of the water, of
on the salivating horizon,
here stars lost and encountered:
here was tall vase, lost and silent.


The Deacon


What meter wants that i don’t know
and is easy coma Lego
sin Rambo, taco and a brain, enter and mire
the retreats of yesterday in the parades,
the commodore of death and the brother
the silicone, the Camas, the salaries,
only entrances understand
that all don’t know me.
Shallow don’t see that calls want a peace sign,
no how many brothers become so called
troubadours of diverse razors
of emulating insufficiencies.

Chick-fil-a

I'm a bit of a news junkie. I can't go anywhere without overhearing some bit of news. So when I heard someone mention something about a Chick Fil A boycott, I could not have been happier. Finally, they get what's coming to them. For far too long, terrible fast food chains have gone on unchecked. Local restaurants are just as good, if not better than most fast food chains. It's time we as a nation took a stand. The McDonald's's, the Taco Bells, and the Burger Kings have survived on name alone for years, and it's time they were called to task. I'm not really sure why Chick Fil A is the poster child for this. Their "cow terrorist" ad campaign is kind of funny, but I have never, and will never have a Chick Fil A sandwich. But I'm not going to stop there. Here is a list of fast food chains that need to be stopped.

McDonald's- There is literally nothing good about McDonald's. Their mascot is a seven foot tall red headed Juggalo, who's friends with a thief and a weird purple thing. Sure they sell terrible toys to children, and their food is not very good in general, but on the upside. The best thing on the McDonald's menu is the breakfast. Unfortunately, if you're willing to stare death in the face and eat breakfast from McDonald's, it's only available until 10:00 am.

Taco Bell- Taco Bell has worse food than McDonald's, which may be the worst thing I can say about Taco Bell. The upside is that while it doesn't taste like anything really, there's not much of it, so you don't have to endure too much. The best thing on the Taco Bell menu is definitely those cinnamon sugar packing peanuts.

Burger King- Burger King may have better burgers than McDonald's, which may be the best thing I can say about Burger King. If turning your air conditioner to an uncomfortably cold temperature so people will eat and leave is painting, then Burger King is Vincent Van Gogh. While they may not be celebrated in their time for this, I know that on that glorious day when all the Burger Kings have closed, people will look back and say "Why was the temperature in every Burger King slightly above freezing all the time?" The best thing on the Burger King menu is the Thaw-Proof Milkshake.

Panda Express- Panda Express is essentially the McDonald's of Chinese food. I like Panda Express, and I don't know what that says about me as a person. Does that mean I like Chinese food more than American food? I like fast food Chinese more than fast food burgers, but I like good burgers more than good Chinese. I think that means Chinese food has a high floor (bad Chinese food is better than bad other food), and I'm not a communist for liking Panda Express. I've emerged from this experience a stronger person capable of realizing my hopes and dreams. The best thing on the Panda Express menu is the orange chicken.

I don't think it was a cry for help. The Sequel.

I've done a lot of thinking in the past two days, and a lot of reflecting. A lot of pondering and a lot of considering. I've decided that it wasn't a cry for help, for two reasons. Today I watched two episodes of the consensus really good show, Lost. And yesterday I watched two episodes of Lost. That's it. I didn't fall into a shame spiral and watch fourteen episodes. I just watched two.  I know that Lost is a good show, which is why I only watched two episodes. Reaper is popcorn. Scratch that. Reaper is that bag of caramel corn and cheese corn together in one magical bag. Through some act of God, the kernels are all popped to the same size with the same amount of topping. I'm 10% sure there are scientists who were working on this snack food instead of curing cancer, gifted scientists at that, and I'm fine with it. Either way, man cannot survive on delicious caramel/cheese popcorn alone. So, I don't have a problem. I just like TV. For the record, I feel slightly more justified in sadistically enjoying Reaper after going to over two well known TV reviewing websites and seeing that it was well received at the time it came out. (That's reason number two, in case you were counting.) So, I thought to redeem myself, I would list some good shows that I have watched on Netflix. And as a side note, according to my public relations people, the post with the most hits is the one that had "Game of Thrones" in the title. So, after this, I'm going to start an experiment of sorts. If you like misleading titles, you're in for a treat, if you don't like misleading titles, I'm sorry but we can never be friends. And buckle up.

Lost. I've now seen seven episodes of Lost, one of which being the finale. This was one of the more anticipated series finales in recent memory, so I watched it, knowing nothing about any of the characters or the story line. I've now watched the first six episodes in the last three days. The characters and story are much better than anything on the previous list. It also features one of the most terrifying characters I've seen on a TV show in a long time. Jack's eyes have a twinkle that can only be surgically implanted. I don't know if I'm supposed to swoon, or not look directly into them for fear he may possess me with his devilish charm. So far, Lost is good. I like to pretend that Locke is Creed from the Office, which makes everything a little bit funnier.

Parks and Recreation. Parks and Rec is good. If you like good shows, you should watch it.

Game of Thrones. Game of Thrones isn't on Netflix, but it's a good show. If you like good shows, you should watch Game of Thrones.

Louie. Louie is a funny show. If you like funny shows, you should watch Louie.

Editor's note: This was started before the Chelsea Peretti incident occurred and should be treated accordingly.

Chelsea Peretti

Today on twitter.com, Chelsea Peretti started what she probably thought was a debate. She said "mac and cheese > pizza." This means one of two things. Hopefully, it means that Chelsea Peretti sometimes gets confused about which way means greater than, and which way means less than, or maybe it was a typo. That would mean that I can continue to respect her as a human being and comedian. Unfortunately, based on her conduct after the fact, I have to assume the worst. I have to assume that Chelsea Peretti really does believe that mac and cheese is better than pizza. For the record, from here on when I say "Chelsea Peretti" it's because I don't want to take the time to type out her full title: Former respected comedian, the macaroni and cheese eating communist Chelsea Peretti. 

Now, I'll admit that when I first read this, I was upset. Mac and Cheese is not > Pizza. Mac and Cheese < Pizza. It's not close. The best case scenario for Mac and Cheese is a side dish. Pizza is naturally a main course. Pizza can have any variety of sauces, cheeses, toppings, crusts, etc. Mac and Cheese can have different cheeses or different pastas, and breadcrumbs if you're a sociopath. I'm upset at myself for even considering that she seriously believes that Mac and Cheese > Pizza. Bad pizza is better than bad mac and cheese. It's not close. Good pizza is almost unrivaled. Good mac and cheese is a pleasant surprise. There can only be one explanation for this. 

I understand that Chelsea Peretti enjoys provoking the masses, as she should. Getting upset over something that was said on twitter is roughly equivalent to getting upset over something that someone wrote on a piece of cardboard, set on fire and threw into a lake, or getting upset over a YouTube comment. However, the problem here is much deeper. While it would be ridiculous to get upset over something on twitter, "tweets" can, and should, be seen as signs for help. If I were mumbling things that were clearly insane, like "Dog in the club" or "Mac and Cheese > Pizza" I would hope that if anyone overheard, they would call a doctor. So, I feel it is my obligation as a human being to continue to monitor Chelsea Peretti's "tweets" for medical reasons. 98% of my twitter followers are bots getting me to sexchat, but under the unlikely circumstance that someone who is reading this knows Chelsea Peretti and knows where she is right now, please call an ambulance. Tweeting "Mac and Cheese > Pizza" is one of the early warning signs of a stroke, and time lost is brain lost. 

(If anyone wants to seriously have the Mac and Cheese v Pizza debate as an academic exercise, I will defend pizza until I die.)

I can't decide if this is a cry for help or not.

I've heard the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. So, in front of the three people who could possibly read this, I'm going to admit that I have a problem. I will watch literally any TV show on Netflix. I don't often watch TV shows regularly when the episodes are new, because I can either remember what day and time a show is on, or know what day it is, but not both simultaneously. Netflix has solved this problem for me, but it has presented a new problem. 

Someone I know recently told me about a show that he described as prematurely canceled. My mind immediately went to Arrested Development, which I like and have watched in its entirety. So, naturally I was intrigued. I went home and watched the first episode and it's laughable at best. I finished watching the show when the person who told me about it was present, mainly so I could berate it in front of him. We finished the next episode and proceeded to watch the next few. The person whom I will never let live down telling me about this show left and my brother and I are now on season two. It's a serious problem, and I am currently searching for a group to help (Update: Wikipedia says television addiction is a real thing. I don't actually think I have that. But I would be interested in a group of people who like terrible TV shows to commiserate with.) That all got a little too serious. Here is a list of terrible TV shows that I have watched, am watching, or would consider watching.

Reaper: This is the show I was talking about. It's about a boy whose parents sold his soul to the devil before he was born. Supernatural legal ramifications not withstanding, the rest of the show doesn't improve much. The parents, of course think they can outsmart the devil by not having kids, but they can't trick a trickster. The devil gets a doctor to lie to them and tell them they can't have kids, so they of course take advantage of that news like any married christian adults would. They have a kid, and the devil comes to collect on his 21st birthday for some reason. The devil does not kill the kid, or have him kill people, he has him 'return escaped souls to hell.' Put best by the devil, played by that one guy from that one thing, describes the show best right after he gives him the news: "That's cool, right?" Which, to me is the creators of the show saying "please let it be cool please let it be cool please let it be cool." If you like going "Hey, it's that guy" this is the show for you.

Firefly: People really like this show apparently. It's morally ambiguous space cowboys in the future. There's a Baldwin in it, and he's apparently really dumb and I think he has a girl's name. The captain is now on another show that people apparently like, and his accent is "guy who watched too many cowboy movies as a kid."  There is an intergalactic prostitute, and a government experiment, and a preacher, and a Rosie-the-riveter mechanic. I think this is what would happen if you combined every movie ever. It's all very confusing and cheesy and the characters are basically cartoons, and I think I've seen every episode and the movie.

Doctor Who: I can only speak for the new episodes, I haven't seen anything before it was rebooted. The premise is ridiculous. It's space detective who can never die, and while they don't really have a low special effects budget, they want you to think that they do. Most of the problems are caused by a problem that either can't be seen, or could be bought at Fred Meyer. Some of his more iconic nemeses include rolling trash cans, and creatures that turn into statues when anyone looks at them. Other favorites include the episode with robots so small they couldn't be seen, and the various shape shifters, possessed people and monsters that can only be seen by certain people. By the way, he has a screw driver that can do anything and instead of dying, he just turns into a different British guy. New episodes start in August. 

Torchwood: It's an anagram of Doctor Who. Get it?