Cleveland Browns Head Coaching Position. Updated!

1/22/14
Update: The Browns responded.

"Hello Mr. Pruitt:

Thank you for your feedback. It has been noted and submitted to upper management for their weekly meetings.

Fan Squad"

So I'm expecting an email to set up an interview any day now. 

1/21/14
I just applied for the Cleveland Browns head coaching position. Here's the letter that I sent them. (I had to put it in the questions/comments box of the Fan Feedback section.) I'll keep you updated if they respond.

To whom it may concern:

The Cleveland Browns are still without a Head Coach and the news is bleak. The Denver Broncos offensive coordinator has pulled his name out of contention and you are allegedly interviewing Dirk Koetter. Since past success apparently is not a requirement for coaching candidates, I would like to officially submit my name to be considered for the Head Coaching position.

While I may not have any past experience coaching in the NFL, or College, or High School for that matter, I do play a lot of Madden. Granted I haven't played a lot of the newer games, but I did play a lot of Madden 2010. And I could turn around teams within 4 or 5 years. My lack of experience may be a detractor, but I do have several qualities that could help turn the Browns around.

I would allow autonomy for my coordinators. I feel like this would attract coordinators, and cover up for my very real lack of knowledge about defense. I am very good at Madden, but only at offense. So, I would have almost no control over the defense or special teams.

I would concentrate most of my efforts on offense. I have read several of Chris Brown's (not that one, the one that writes about football) articles. I feel like I have a fairly good grasp of offensive concepts. And that's why play calling would be one of my two main responsibilities, not including general overseeing.

My other responsibility would be roster construction. When I found my success in Madden, I always had a very low salary cap figure. I believe with a solid team of scouts, I could do the same thing in the NFL. Plus, if given full control over the roster, I would essentially take the role of GM, saving even more money for the franchise.

I wouldn't even ask for a high salary. I would want a Browns hat, that part is non-negotiable. And it would have to be either 7 7/8 or an 8 so be prepared.

Thank you for your time, and I anticipate your positive answer shortly.

P.S.

I do have a prior responsibility that occupies my time until June. I would be able to make all of the draft picks for the draft, and make trades, but I would have to do it from my house. I would be able to move to Cleveland in June or July.

Filthy M&M Commercial

Welcome back to commercial deconstruction with me. I'm me, let's begin. In case you haven't seen the commercial, it's the filthy M&M commercial that you should be linked to by clicking on the word commercial. No, not that one, the other one. No, the first one. There we go. I'll wait.

Frankly, I'm shocked that is aired on TV. It implies a brutal sexual murder. How can they show this, and not allow people to swear in commercials? It's a double standard that needs to be stopped. Cannibalism and fetishism can be used to sell chocolate, but swearing is not allowed?

So, the culprit here is obviously the red head. By the way, isn't that profiling? Not all redheads are maniacs, advertisers. I've never been close enough to one to find out. I'm just assuming. But the real matter at hand is what's the fate of the red M&M? We can assume that the red headed woman is dangerous. Brown's friend told her to stay away from her because she would "devour" her. Now there's a chance that she meant it as a euphemism, but that's unlikely. The woman doesn't necessarily seem interested in her gender. She's more interested in the fact that she's made of chocolate. And, we know there's some animosity between Brown and Red, presumably because of Brown's perceived elitism. But does Brown so hate Red that she's going to send him to his very violent and most likely death? Apparently.

But if we're assuming that she's going to eat Red, the next question is just exactly who is Red? Like, what is his standing existentially? He's obviously able to make his own decisions. He's walking talking and thinking. So, does he deserve to be eaten? No. Also, just what does the red headed woman plan on doing with him? Assuming he's made of solid chocolate, that's a lot of chocolate. Does she really plan on eating him all in one sitting? Or is she going to cut off little pieces at a time? Is she going to keep him in her basement and eat him piece by piece? She should be arrested just for thinking about it. She should be arrested just for making me think about it. And the Brown M&M is an accessory. All to sell M&Ms.

"Zack's Night Out."

In case you've been living under a rock for the last few days, internet sensation Jared Smith, has been posting the "Entries" from a certain "Zack's" night "out." There are several disturbing inaccuracies that I, the "Zack" of Zack's Night Out, cannot bare to let go unnoticed. Not to mention the fact that Jared starts the whole thing by calling me his "friend." Would a "friend" expose one of the longest, most horrifying nights of your life, all to chase the rabbit he calls fame? I don't think so. 

If you want to go on living your life as a sheep, believing every word that your master Jared tells you, by all means stop reading here. Good. Nobody left. So, sit around the campfire, kids, and I'll tell you the truth about "Zack's Night Out." 

Jared reveals some of his biases right off the bat. He says that the "Lord of Trash" "made" me his wife. Well, if just so happens that the so called "lord" of trash is whatever the girl version of lord is. The Lady of Trash. So what exactly does Jared have to gain by sensationalizing the story? Hmm? Maybe more viewers? Hmm? Embellish much Jared? And, I was not pulled into the trash can. I went of my own free will. Wake up sheeple. This is classic media agenda, not wanting the TRUTH to come out. 

"Jared" continues in part two to paint Helen and my relationship as a captor-prisoner relationship, when in reality, it was true love. I was not "rescued" by a troupe of feral cats. That's impossible. Helen simply has the ability to transform into a group of cats whenever she wants. So, I guess you could say Helen rescued me from the doldrums of my everyday life. The smelly part was true though. She does live in a dumpster. What do you expect? 

The really troubling part is what follows. I can now confirm that Jared is "trolling" for viewers. Why else would he mention B*g T*to's name. This almost certainly signals the end of Jared's Blog. But, he should know that nobody messes with BT. Nobody talks to him. Nobody looks him in the eye. NOBODY speaks or writes his name. Nobody even thinks about him. Because he will find out. And he will get his broken plunger justice. 

Good Luck Jared. 

May God have mercy on your soul. Or whatever's left of it after B*g T*to's done with it. Yes, your soul. He will obliterate your soul. 

What if Dogs Could Talk?

I was in the Jewel of the Nile, Seattle Washington this last weekend and I got to talking with someone (I don't really know how to define our relationship but I feel like whenever we hang out we really hit it off, and we have been on one date) made the comment that he* doesn't like those books that are all facts. And I agreed with him, and I gave a stupid example of a stupid fact. The example I gave was: "Dogs can read." Now, I thought it was so ridiculous that there was no way it could be true. But then this person with whom I have an ambiguous relationship and I got to thinking, and we expounded on this point. I would like to tell you what we thought of, and then expound further.

So, let's accept the assumption that all dogs can read. This, obviously does not assume that they can also write, or talk. Obviously they couldn't write. We (humans) have opposable thumbs, and not even all of us (humans) can write (you know, like doctors, and old people, and babies.) So there's no way to expect dogs to be able to write, even though they can in fact read. The same goes for speaking. Obviously they don't have the vocal chord capacity to speak English, or any other language. Again, being able to read doesn't, and shouldn't imply any other language skills. But the point is, dogs can read but not write or talk.

This becomes especially interesting when you consider the amount of free time dogs have. Really the only way to know what a dog is doing all the time is to carry it around in a bag, like a sociopath. Nobody really knows what every dog is doing at all times. And really, who knows how much a dog sleeps? If I had to give an estimate, I would put dogs at around 18-20 hours of free time per day. And what are they going to do during all this free time? They can only play stick and ball games for so long. At some point the owner is going to get bored. After taking out play time, time to eat, and time to sleep, dogs probably have roughly 14 hours of free time per day. And what do you think they're doing during this time?

Reading, duh. And while there's no way to really know how fast a dog can read, we can at least assume that dogs are extremely well read. But here's the kicker, there's no way for dogs to communicate. So, as far as each dog knows, they're the only dog in the world that can read. Sure they can read, but it's not like they're geniuses. So, whenever they run into another dog, they have to communicate with it in the way they know that dogs communicate: by barking. And, probably as far as they know, the other dog understands the barking, so it totally works.

So, basically, there's however many dogs in the world who are really very well read, barking only because that's how they think dogs are supposed to communicate. Because they've read it, in a book. Prove me wrong.


*I'm straight... Ladies...

Cinetopia

I watched Star Trek Into Darkness over the weekend. But more importantly, I watched it in the living room theater at Cinetopia. It's one of those theaters with leather seats and food service. The guy next to me ordered a glass of white wine, to drink while watching a movie in his leather chair.

One of the previews was for Fast and Furious 6. I don't know if I've said it, but once a franchise gets to five (you know, your Die Hards, your Fasts and Furiouses) I just hope it gets to 10. So, after the preview was over, I said, kind of under my breath, "I just hope they get to ten at this point."

And the guy next to me started chuckling. But, I had said it while he was taking a sip of his wine, and he started to choke on his white wine, in Cinetopia. Don't worry, he survived.

But as he was choking, I thought, if he died choking on white wine sitting in a leather chair, watching a movie in a theater, that might be the whitest way to go.

In regards to recent allegations, I had my writing staff compose a response.

Here at zackipedia.blogspot.com, we pride ourselves on being four things; honest, ethical, logical and patriotic. Even when we come under fire from freedom hating socialists like those over at "alexdeeley.com" we stand proudly. Let's start this story at the beginning, and go through every one of the "allegations" that the cowards leveled at our founder. Please don't confuse this for anything but a completely voluntary defense of a not at all totalitarian boss, who is definitely not in the "pocket" of big grape nut.

May I remind you that our benevolent leader is a totally normal sized person, and would not fit in the pocket of "big" anything. Everyone over at "alexdeeley" needs to cool it with these size related rumors, and let me kill the following rumors before they even get started, not that they would:

Zack has never once threatened to deport a member of the writing staff.

And, he has never even cut off all ten of one of our writers' fingers.

Cereal companies do not, have not, or will never pay our beloved leader do put out pro cereal propaganda.

Kony 2012 is not even the best national tragedy to compare our best lover to, if you chose to do so.

How can we even begin to say how lucky we, the writing staff at zackipedia, are to be employed by such a charismatic leader. A better employment opportunity, we could not find, even if we wanted to, and were allowed to, not that we aren't allowed to. Some people may call the working conditions her "poor" or "illegal" or "antebellum" or "morally bankrupt" or "actually very forward thinking, inventing new ways to oppress people."

And those people can't speak to the reality of the situation, because they haven't seen where we work.

Go ahead and say that we are "uninformed" or that we don't "fact check" or that we haven't seen our families in years. Uninformed isn't even fair, every one of our writers has gone to education camp, generously donated by the leader himself. Not only are we not uninformed, but we don't even need to fact check, considering our leader is the creator of knowledge.

The audacity it takes to accuse someone as merciful as the leader of taking "blood money" would not only be unprecedented, it would be dangerous. Only someone who wants to seriously endanger their personal well being would accuse such a powerful entity of being involved in the grassy knoll conspiracy, specifically, playing a huge role in the cover up.

Maybe the writers of alexdeeley.com don't know how merciful the great leader is.
You probably wouldn't commit such heresy if you knew whom you were attacking.

Here, let me just warn you now, you do not want to cross the founder of zackipedia. Everyone who has gone up against him has failed. Alex deeley, you are nothing if not someone who is capable of cracking codes. Do you really think you can go up against the not at all abused writing staff of zackipedia.com and win?

NFL Draft: All Hail Clowney

This is a weird year for the NFL draft (there's a guy named Barkevious.) And since I can talk to this piece of paper and it can't run away, or politely change the subject, or just get up and walk away, or tell me it doesn't want to hang out with me anymore, and then sleep with my girlfriend, get ready for the first annual Zackipedia NFL draft coverage.

Anyone can post a mock draft, so I'm not going to waste your time. Mostly because I would normally do it, but it would just be me finding a way for the best player to get to the Seahawks, and they don't have a first round pick this year. But, here are the biggest story lines of the 2013 NFL draft, according to me. 

Jadeveon Clowney- Make no mistake, Jadeveon Clowney is the number one story in anything football related. Yes, the Ravens won the Superbowl, but that was in a Pre-Clowney era. Yes, 4 NFL players might come out of the closet, but how does this affect who gets the Clowney Pick next year. Yes, there are countless people with jelly brains suing the NFL, but how many more will there be once Clowney is in the league? He almost killed a guy last year. So, there are two potential story Clowney lines this year:

1) The Chiefs announce they're taking Luke Joeckel (Joeckel just sounds like the name of a Kansas City Chief) and as soon as he announces it, the car crash sound plays over the PA and Stone Cold Steve Austin's ring anthem plays, but here's the catch: in walks Clowney. He walks up to the stage, and Joeckel tries and fails to stop him. Andy Reid's face turns red, marking the official beginning of the football season. Clowney goes up to the podium, rips the microphone from Goodell's hand, and basically gives the "see you at Wrestlemania" speech that every wrestler seems to give, but instead of see you at Wrestlemania, it's see you next year. Eric Fisher cowers in his seat, because he knows he's next. The Jacksonville Jaguars take Matt Barkley with the second pick, basically assuring themselves the Clowney Pick. 

2) One team drafts Clowney this year. Sure, he's not eligible, but who cares about rules? When does change happen? When somebody breaks the rules. If nobody ever broke the rules, we would still be living in England, eating baked beans and brushing our teeth with frosting. And how great would it be if teams could draft college players before they are eligible to come out? So one team this year, let's call them the "Seahawks" drafts Clowney this year. This wouldn't mean he could come out and play in the NFL this year. The "Seahawks" would just have his rights. So, next year when he leaves school, he's not in the draft, he just goes to Seattle. This would dramatically change the landscape of the NFL. The only rule would be the player has to have completed one year of college. So let's say the top prospect finishes his first year, and some team wants to take him. How high do you take him? It's still about risk management. He could take a class in oceanography the next semester and realize he's found his calling and quit football. Or he could injure his knee. The point is, I want Clowney on the Seahawks, and this is the only way I can see it happening.