To the graduating class of 2014

People will often tell you to follow your dreams. Well I'm here to tell you those people are wrong. 

For example last night I had a dream that I was taking a class. It was some kind of poli-sci class and we were studying a fictional world. Fictional in real life, but it existed in the dream. This fictional world was very poor, but they produced Ice Dragons, which are of course very valuable. But that's all they produce. So they're trading Ice Dragons for food and water. The problem was that they had recently entered into an agreement to only sell Ice Dragons to one other world. So when a former customer came looking for Ice Dragons, they were sorely disappointed. So disappointed in fact that they were going to attack. 

Our class project was to better organize the Ice Dragon planet's resources to defend against the coming attack. (I feel like I used our allotted resources very well if you must know.) 

And while the teacher was explaining this, the people around me were talking and laughing. And they eventually started sticking acupuncture needles into one person's thigh. 

I woke up before I could finish the project but if you want to know how the Ice Dragon situation resolved itself, they used a dragon to defend against the attack and survived. 

The point is you probably shouldn't be taking advice from me anyways. I mean look at me. 

NFL Mock Draft sponsored by Budweiser Apple Google and Buffalo Wild Wings. And Nike.

If this post is ever referred to in the future, I hope it will be described as "nothing but an attempt to get page views, hence the title." It's NFL Mock Draft season, which, according to the Mayans, goes until just after the NFL Draft for some reason. Now, I know that there is probably one person reading this, and he only kind of watches football, I think. So, I will write an NFL Mock Draft but it will be for the people who are only casual fans of the NFL at best and therefore don't really know or care about the NFL Draft. Here we go:

1. Houston- Jadeveon Clowney. The Guy in that Youtube video I showed you that one time. South Carolina. Houston randomly had a really bad year after a really good year and got the first pick. And they got an offensive coach so he'll probably spend a high pick on a defensive player. Plus Clowney is the best player, and it's a fun name to say. Clowney.

2. St. Louis- Greg Robinson. Offensive Lineman. Auburn. The Rams need somebody to protect whatever crappy quarterback they're going to play this year. And they have another pick in the first round because the owner of the Redskins is dumb. They need an Offensive Lineman and Greg Robinson is sure as heck one of the ones who is supposed to go pretty early.

3. Jacksonville- John Manziel. Footballing Quarterback. Texas A and M. Gus Bradley comes from the Pete Carroll coaching tree, and is attempting (I assume, I mean why not) to establish a similar identity. Two of the most important positions on Seattle's team are the Short Quarterback (Russell Wilson) and the Troll (Richard Sherman) and Jacksonville is able to fill those two needs with this pick.

4. Cleveland- Khalil Mack. Linebacker. Buffalo. Full disclosure I forgot who had the 4th pick, so I might not even finish this. I'm already losing steam. And I don't even know much about Khalil Mack, just that everybody says he's good. I'm just sending him to cleveland because he can handle being on a bad team (Buffalo) and it wouldn't be surprising if he was a bust, and cleveland loves busts.

5. Oakland? Yeah. It's Oakland. Mike Evans- WR Texas A and M, yes the same one. Oakland just paid a new quarterback who is very good at throwing interceptions, so why not get a really big receiver who could turn some of those interceptions into receptions? (It's sound strategy, just trust me.

6. Atlanta- I had to look this one up too. I don't know how people do this. Whichever Matthews. Texas A and M again. There are two Matthews brothers and one of them is already in the NFL but this one's his brother. They need someone to protect Matt Ryan so he can throw it to Julio Jones ASSUMING HE DOESN'T GET HURT THE DAY AFTER I TRADE FOR HIM IN FANTASY FOOTBALL.

7. Tampa Bay- Sammie Watkins. Wide Receiver. Clemson. I guess he's good. I don't really know that much about him or what Tampa Bay needs, so this pick fits.

8. Minnesota- Eric Ebron. Tight End. North Carolina. I don't really know if Minnesota needs a tight end, but I do know that Seattle will need one in a few years, so this pick makes sense.

9. Buffalo- Taylor Lewan. Offensive Lineman. Michigan. Full disclosure, I'm going to forget about a really good player, and then around pick 20 something be like dang it, but I won't want to go back and change anything. But you won't notice, so it's fine.

10. Detroit- Justin Gilbert. Cornerback. I straight up took this pick off the mock draft I'm looking at to keep track of who picks where. I don't even know why I'm doing this anymore.

11. Tennessee- Teddy Bridgewater. Quarterback. Some say he's the best quarterback in the draft. Some don't like him because they hear good things about him but then they see he's black, so they find ways to disparage him because they don't want to confront their own racist tendencies. Plus Jake Locker's not getting any better.

12. Giants- Anthony Barr. Pass Rusher. UCLA. Do you really care about the Giants?

13. The Rams again. Ha Ha Clinton-Dix. The rams need a safety and yes I swear that's his name. Isn't it the best?

14. Chicago- Aaron Donald. DT. Pitt? I follow a guy who likes the bears and this is who he wants them to take. This one's for you, guy.

15. Pittsburgh- Louis Nix III DT Notre Dame. I want to say Pittsburgh needs a nose tackle and whenever Pittsburgh or Baltimore have a weirdly bad year they draft a defensive player or Ben Roethlisberger and everything is fine.

16. Dallas Cowboys- Derek Carr. Quarterback. Fresno State. This will never happen but wouldn't it be amazing? (You see, the cowboys have a good quarterback but the fans hate him. And this would be a really stupid move of them that might appease some fans but alienate others.)

17. Baltimore- Darqueze Dennard. Cornerback. Michigan State. Do you really care about the descriptions anymore?

18. NY Jets- Timmy Jernigan. DT. Florida State. I like Rex Ryan and I want to give him a good player and he seems to like defensive players.

19. Miami- Odell Beckham Jr. I assume Miami needs receivers. It is Miami after all. (I'm hoping that comes off as a vague drugs joke.

20. Arizona- CJ Mosely Line Backer Roll Tide. Arizona has a good defense but they want a better one and CJ Mosely is good. Do I have to keep validating my very weird very specific opinion on what could happen in an extreme long shot?

21. Green Bay. Calvin Pryor. Safety. Louisville. At this point, I really just want to get to Seattle.

22. Philadelphia- Brandin Cooks. WR. Oregon State. They need a new fast receiver because they cut their old one.

23. Kansas City. I feel like I'm forgetting somebody really good. Oh. Justin Gilbert. Uhh, they'll pick Justin Gilbert because they play in the same division as Denver, and you can never have too many corners against Peyton Manning next year and then Brock Osweiler every year after that. (Editor's note: I in fact did not forget Justin Gilbert. So... Joel Bitonio?)

24. Cinncinnati- Kelvin Benjamin. WR. Florida St. They already have a big WR, but when Andy Dalton is your quarterback, you can never have too many. That was a sick andy dalton burn.

25. San Diego- Zack Martin. Notre Dame. I don't know what position he plays but on the Mock Draft I'm using to keep track of who picks where, he went a while ago and I forgot about him.

26. Cleveland. Bradley Roby. Again, I think this has high bust potential.

27. New Orleans Saints. Dee Ford. DE Auburn. He's really good and they need him probably or whatever I hate this now I might not even post it.

28. Carolina- Davante Adams. Dangit I wanted him to go to Seattle. But haha the panthers don't have any receivers. Haha panthers haha.

29. New England Patriots- Jace Amaro- All of their good tight ends are currently on trial for murder or Rob Gronkowski, so here's hoping this Jace kid can really catch the ol rock, eh?

30. I just remembered the reason I wanted to do this is because I wanted to describe one player as "he fancies himself the prettiest girl at the ball."

30. San Francisco- Kony Ealy- Defensive End- Missouri- When was the last time taking a DE from Missouri didn't work out for San Francisco?

31. Denver- Kyle Fuller- Cornerback Virginia Tech. He fancies himself the prettiest girl at the ball. Plus somebody's got to cover all them receivers in practice am I right?

32. Seattle- I realize now this was a pointless exercise. I'm sorry for wasting your time and mine. And I just realized who I forgot. I'm not giving him to seattle, I'm going to pick one more for houston and then stop. Seattle takes Demarcus Lawrence. DE Boise State.

33. Houston- Blake Bortles- Quarterback- Houston. WOWOWOWOWOW what luck for Houston! They get the best player in the draft and then arguably a top 5 quarterback in Big Bad Blake Bortles? In the second round? Look out AFC South.

Cleveland Browns Head Coaching Position. Updated!

1/22/14
Update: The Browns responded.

"Hello Mr. Pruitt:

Thank you for your feedback. It has been noted and submitted to upper management for their weekly meetings.

Fan Squad"

So I'm expecting an email to set up an interview any day now. 

1/21/14
I just applied for the Cleveland Browns head coaching position. Here's the letter that I sent them. (I had to put it in the questions/comments box of the Fan Feedback section.) I'll keep you updated if they respond.

To whom it may concern:

The Cleveland Browns are still without a Head Coach and the news is bleak. The Denver Broncos offensive coordinator has pulled his name out of contention and you are allegedly interviewing Dirk Koetter. Since past success apparently is not a requirement for coaching candidates, I would like to officially submit my name to be considered for the Head Coaching position.

While I may not have any past experience coaching in the NFL, or College, or High School for that matter, I do play a lot of Madden. Granted I haven't played a lot of the newer games, but I did play a lot of Madden 2010. And I could turn around teams within 4 or 5 years. My lack of experience may be a detractor, but I do have several qualities that could help turn the Browns around.

I would allow autonomy for my coordinators. I feel like this would attract coordinators, and cover up for my very real lack of knowledge about defense. I am very good at Madden, but only at offense. So, I would have almost no control over the defense or special teams.

I would concentrate most of my efforts on offense. I have read several of Chris Brown's (not that one, the one that writes about football) articles. I feel like I have a fairly good grasp of offensive concepts. And that's why play calling would be one of my two main responsibilities, not including general overseeing.

My other responsibility would be roster construction. When I found my success in Madden, I always had a very low salary cap figure. I believe with a solid team of scouts, I could do the same thing in the NFL. Plus, if given full control over the roster, I would essentially take the role of GM, saving even more money for the franchise.

I wouldn't even ask for a high salary. I would want a Browns hat, that part is non-negotiable. And it would have to be either 7 7/8 or an 8 so be prepared.

Thank you for your time, and I anticipate your positive answer shortly.

P.S.

I do have a prior responsibility that occupies my time until June. I would be able to make all of the draft picks for the draft, and make trades, but I would have to do it from my house. I would be able to move to Cleveland in June or July.

Filthy M&M Commercial

Welcome back to commercial deconstruction with me. I'm me, let's begin. In case you haven't seen the commercial, it's the filthy M&M commercial that you should be linked to by clicking on the word commercial. No, not that one, the other one. No, the first one. There we go. I'll wait.

Frankly, I'm shocked that is aired on TV. It implies a brutal sexual murder. How can they show this, and not allow people to swear in commercials? It's a double standard that needs to be stopped. Cannibalism and fetishism can be used to sell chocolate, but swearing is not allowed?

So, the culprit here is obviously the red head. By the way, isn't that profiling? Not all redheads are maniacs, advertisers. I've never been close enough to one to find out. I'm just assuming. But the real matter at hand is what's the fate of the red M&M? We can assume that the red headed woman is dangerous. Brown's friend told her to stay away from her because she would "devour" her. Now there's a chance that she meant it as a euphemism, but that's unlikely. The woman doesn't necessarily seem interested in her gender. She's more interested in the fact that she's made of chocolate. And, we know there's some animosity between Brown and Red, presumably because of Brown's perceived elitism. But does Brown so hate Red that she's going to send him to his very violent and most likely death? Apparently.

But if we're assuming that she's going to eat Red, the next question is just exactly who is Red? Like, what is his standing existentially? He's obviously able to make his own decisions. He's walking talking and thinking. So, does he deserve to be eaten? No. Also, just what does the red headed woman plan on doing with him? Assuming he's made of solid chocolate, that's a lot of chocolate. Does she really plan on eating him all in one sitting? Or is she going to cut off little pieces at a time? Is she going to keep him in her basement and eat him piece by piece? She should be arrested just for thinking about it. She should be arrested just for making me think about it. And the Brown M&M is an accessory. All to sell M&Ms.

"Zack's Night Out."

In case you've been living under a rock for the last few days, internet sensation Jared Smith, has been posting the "Entries" from a certain "Zack's" night "out." There are several disturbing inaccuracies that I, the "Zack" of Zack's Night Out, cannot bare to let go unnoticed. Not to mention the fact that Jared starts the whole thing by calling me his "friend." Would a "friend" expose one of the longest, most horrifying nights of your life, all to chase the rabbit he calls fame? I don't think so. 

If you want to go on living your life as a sheep, believing every word that your master Jared tells you, by all means stop reading here. Good. Nobody left. So, sit around the campfire, kids, and I'll tell you the truth about "Zack's Night Out." 

Jared reveals some of his biases right off the bat. He says that the "Lord of Trash" "made" me his wife. Well, if just so happens that the so called "lord" of trash is whatever the girl version of lord is. The Lady of Trash. So what exactly does Jared have to gain by sensationalizing the story? Hmm? Maybe more viewers? Hmm? Embellish much Jared? And, I was not pulled into the trash can. I went of my own free will. Wake up sheeple. This is classic media agenda, not wanting the TRUTH to come out. 

"Jared" continues in part two to paint Helen and my relationship as a captor-prisoner relationship, when in reality, it was true love. I was not "rescued" by a troupe of feral cats. That's impossible. Helen simply has the ability to transform into a group of cats whenever she wants. So, I guess you could say Helen rescued me from the doldrums of my everyday life. The smelly part was true though. She does live in a dumpster. What do you expect? 

The really troubling part is what follows. I can now confirm that Jared is "trolling" for viewers. Why else would he mention B*g T*to's name. This almost certainly signals the end of Jared's Blog. But, he should know that nobody messes with BT. Nobody talks to him. Nobody looks him in the eye. NOBODY speaks or writes his name. Nobody even thinks about him. Because he will find out. And he will get his broken plunger justice. 

Good Luck Jared. 

May God have mercy on your soul. Or whatever's left of it after B*g T*to's done with it. Yes, your soul. He will obliterate your soul. 

What if Dogs Could Talk?

I was in the Jewel of the Nile, Seattle Washington this last weekend and I got to talking with someone (I don't really know how to define our relationship but I feel like whenever we hang out we really hit it off, and we have been on one date) made the comment that he* doesn't like those books that are all facts. And I agreed with him, and I gave a stupid example of a stupid fact. The example I gave was: "Dogs can read." Now, I thought it was so ridiculous that there was no way it could be true. But then this person with whom I have an ambiguous relationship and I got to thinking, and we expounded on this point. I would like to tell you what we thought of, and then expound further.

So, let's accept the assumption that all dogs can read. This, obviously does not assume that they can also write, or talk. Obviously they couldn't write. We (humans) have opposable thumbs, and not even all of us (humans) can write (you know, like doctors, and old people, and babies.) So there's no way to expect dogs to be able to write, even though they can in fact read. The same goes for speaking. Obviously they don't have the vocal chord capacity to speak English, or any other language. Again, being able to read doesn't, and shouldn't imply any other language skills. But the point is, dogs can read but not write or talk.

This becomes especially interesting when you consider the amount of free time dogs have. Really the only way to know what a dog is doing all the time is to carry it around in a bag, like a sociopath. Nobody really knows what every dog is doing at all times. And really, who knows how much a dog sleeps? If I had to give an estimate, I would put dogs at around 18-20 hours of free time per day. And what are they going to do during all this free time? They can only play stick and ball games for so long. At some point the owner is going to get bored. After taking out play time, time to eat, and time to sleep, dogs probably have roughly 14 hours of free time per day. And what do you think they're doing during this time?

Reading, duh. And while there's no way to really know how fast a dog can read, we can at least assume that dogs are extremely well read. But here's the kicker, there's no way for dogs to communicate. So, as far as each dog knows, they're the only dog in the world that can read. Sure they can read, but it's not like they're geniuses. So, whenever they run into another dog, they have to communicate with it in the way they know that dogs communicate: by barking. And, probably as far as they know, the other dog understands the barking, so it totally works.

So, basically, there's however many dogs in the world who are really very well read, barking only because that's how they think dogs are supposed to communicate. Because they've read it, in a book. Prove me wrong.


*I'm straight... Ladies...

Cinetopia

I watched Star Trek Into Darkness over the weekend. But more importantly, I watched it in the living room theater at Cinetopia. It's one of those theaters with leather seats and food service. The guy next to me ordered a glass of white wine, to drink while watching a movie in his leather chair.

One of the previews was for Fast and Furious 6. I don't know if I've said it, but once a franchise gets to five (you know, your Die Hards, your Fasts and Furiouses) I just hope it gets to 10. So, after the preview was over, I said, kind of under my breath, "I just hope they get to ten at this point."

And the guy next to me started chuckling. But, I had said it while he was taking a sip of his wine, and he started to choke on his white wine, in Cinetopia. Don't worry, he survived.

But as he was choking, I thought, if he died choking on white wine sitting in a leather chair, watching a movie in a theater, that might be the whitest way to go.