So,
i got this email from a coworker last week. I think he sent it to me
by accident. I debated for a while whether or not to tell anybody
about this but I think it’s better for everyone if I do. For the
privacy of the coworker involved, I've redacted his name.
Dear
Mom,
I
know that you told me never to talk to you again unless it was to
tell you that I'd finally met a woman who doesn't ignore me and
doesn't have a drinking problem and isn't older than you and doesn't
walk with a limp and isn't you and isn't married to my boss, and I
bet you never thought you'd hear from me again. Well, I found her;
the girl of my dreams. First of all, she's stunning. She doesn't have
ugly hair, and she doesn't have the crazy eyes and she doesn't look
crazy like you know who. She's also smarter than you know who. She
has a photographic memory, and she doesn't look at me like I'm crazy
whenever I tell a joke. She's never questioned my eating habits, and
she's never told me I shouldn't smoke. I really think she's the one.
She has the most beautiful name, I think she's Asian. The best part
is that she sits right next to my desk. We never talk, because I
don't want the white one and the racist one to get jealous, but I
really think she gets me.
And
Mom, I really love her. I am excited to go to work, not just because
it's such a great place and everybody likes me, but because I know
that I get to be next to her for eight hours a day. I've invited her
to lunch but I don't think she wants to attract too much attention to
“us.” The only reason I haven't yet publicly declared my love for
her is that I'm afraid of the rejection. After the Christmas party
this year, I didn't think I could feel any worse. The love of my life
had rejected me. But then, last week, my heart was reconstructed from
the shards it had been in. It was reconstructed by her beauty. I love
her so much that I'm starting to question all those romantic movies
I've seen. Their love will never scratch the surface of ours. A
thousand Shakespeares in a thousand rooms with a thousand type
writers couldn't come close to describing my love for her. The only
reason I would hesitate to lay down my life for her is that it would
mean an eternity spent without her, since she'll probably go to
Buddhist heaven. But, I would survive without her knowing that I gave
everything up for her.
I
think I'm going to marry her. I will tell her that I can't afford a
ring, but what I can provide is my undying love. I will do everything
I can to make sure that we have a house to live in and food on the
table. And who knows? Maybe someday down the line, maybe I could give
you some grand kids that you don't regret for being Mormon and
therefore alien. The only problem would be the family name. I know
you want to keep it going, but I love her too much. She has two
sisters that work in the other building, but I don't think she has
any brothers. So if she makes me the happiest man in the world, and
takes my name, hers might die. Would it be OK with you if I took her
last name? I think it would sound good either way, but really it
would be up to her, the hopefully future Ms. Konica K*nney. Anyways,
let me know what you think, and if I have your blessing.
Sincerely,
P*ul
K*nney
Work Administrative
Staff
Work Headquarters
2715
E Mill Plain Blvd
Vancouver,
WA 98661
p: 360-693-5675
f: 360-693-4858
e:
paulk@work.org
