Chick-fil-a

I'm a bit of a news junkie. I can't go anywhere without overhearing some bit of news. So when I heard someone mention something about a Chick Fil A boycott, I could not have been happier. Finally, they get what's coming to them. For far too long, terrible fast food chains have gone on unchecked. Local restaurants are just as good, if not better than most fast food chains. It's time we as a nation took a stand. The McDonald's's, the Taco Bells, and the Burger Kings have survived on name alone for years, and it's time they were called to task. I'm not really sure why Chick Fil A is the poster child for this. Their "cow terrorist" ad campaign is kind of funny, but I have never, and will never have a Chick Fil A sandwich. But I'm not going to stop there. Here is a list of fast food chains that need to be stopped.

McDonald's- There is literally nothing good about McDonald's. Their mascot is a seven foot tall red headed Juggalo, who's friends with a thief and a weird purple thing. Sure they sell terrible toys to children, and their food is not very good in general, but on the upside. The best thing on the McDonald's menu is the breakfast. Unfortunately, if you're willing to stare death in the face and eat breakfast from McDonald's, it's only available until 10:00 am.

Taco Bell- Taco Bell has worse food than McDonald's, which may be the worst thing I can say about Taco Bell. The upside is that while it doesn't taste like anything really, there's not much of it, so you don't have to endure too much. The best thing on the Taco Bell menu is definitely those cinnamon sugar packing peanuts.

Burger King- Burger King may have better burgers than McDonald's, which may be the best thing I can say about Burger King. If turning your air conditioner to an uncomfortably cold temperature so people will eat and leave is painting, then Burger King is Vincent Van Gogh. While they may not be celebrated in their time for this, I know that on that glorious day when all the Burger Kings have closed, people will look back and say "Why was the temperature in every Burger King slightly above freezing all the time?" The best thing on the Burger King menu is the Thaw-Proof Milkshake.

Panda Express- Panda Express is essentially the McDonald's of Chinese food. I like Panda Express, and I don't know what that says about me as a person. Does that mean I like Chinese food more than American food? I like fast food Chinese more than fast food burgers, but I like good burgers more than good Chinese. I think that means Chinese food has a high floor (bad Chinese food is better than bad other food), and I'm not a communist for liking Panda Express. I've emerged from this experience a stronger person capable of realizing my hopes and dreams. The best thing on the Panda Express menu is the orange chicken.

I don't think it was a cry for help. The Sequel.

I've done a lot of thinking in the past two days, and a lot of reflecting. A lot of pondering and a lot of considering. I've decided that it wasn't a cry for help, for two reasons. Today I watched two episodes of the consensus really good show, Lost. And yesterday I watched two episodes of Lost. That's it. I didn't fall into a shame spiral and watch fourteen episodes. I just watched two.  I know that Lost is a good show, which is why I only watched two episodes. Reaper is popcorn. Scratch that. Reaper is that bag of caramel corn and cheese corn together in one magical bag. Through some act of God, the kernels are all popped to the same size with the same amount of topping. I'm 10% sure there are scientists who were working on this snack food instead of curing cancer, gifted scientists at that, and I'm fine with it. Either way, man cannot survive on delicious caramel/cheese popcorn alone. So, I don't have a problem. I just like TV. For the record, I feel slightly more justified in sadistically enjoying Reaper after going to over two well known TV reviewing websites and seeing that it was well received at the time it came out. (That's reason number two, in case you were counting.) So, I thought to redeem myself, I would list some good shows that I have watched on Netflix. And as a side note, according to my public relations people, the post with the most hits is the one that had "Game of Thrones" in the title. So, after this, I'm going to start an experiment of sorts. If you like misleading titles, you're in for a treat, if you don't like misleading titles, I'm sorry but we can never be friends. And buckle up.

Lost. I've now seen seven episodes of Lost, one of which being the finale. This was one of the more anticipated series finales in recent memory, so I watched it, knowing nothing about any of the characters or the story line. I've now watched the first six episodes in the last three days. The characters and story are much better than anything on the previous list. It also features one of the most terrifying characters I've seen on a TV show in a long time. Jack's eyes have a twinkle that can only be surgically implanted. I don't know if I'm supposed to swoon, or not look directly into them for fear he may possess me with his devilish charm. So far, Lost is good. I like to pretend that Locke is Creed from the Office, which makes everything a little bit funnier.

Parks and Recreation. Parks and Rec is good. If you like good shows, you should watch it.

Game of Thrones. Game of Thrones isn't on Netflix, but it's a good show. If you like good shows, you should watch Game of Thrones.

Louie. Louie is a funny show. If you like funny shows, you should watch Louie.

Editor's note: This was started before the Chelsea Peretti incident occurred and should be treated accordingly.

Chelsea Peretti

Today on twitter.com, Chelsea Peretti started what she probably thought was a debate. She said "mac and cheese > pizza." This means one of two things. Hopefully, it means that Chelsea Peretti sometimes gets confused about which way means greater than, and which way means less than, or maybe it was a typo. That would mean that I can continue to respect her as a human being and comedian. Unfortunately, based on her conduct after the fact, I have to assume the worst. I have to assume that Chelsea Peretti really does believe that mac and cheese is better than pizza. For the record, from here on when I say "Chelsea Peretti" it's because I don't want to take the time to type out her full title: Former respected comedian, the macaroni and cheese eating communist Chelsea Peretti. 

Now, I'll admit that when I first read this, I was upset. Mac and Cheese is not > Pizza. Mac and Cheese < Pizza. It's not close. The best case scenario for Mac and Cheese is a side dish. Pizza is naturally a main course. Pizza can have any variety of sauces, cheeses, toppings, crusts, etc. Mac and Cheese can have different cheeses or different pastas, and breadcrumbs if you're a sociopath. I'm upset at myself for even considering that she seriously believes that Mac and Cheese > Pizza. Bad pizza is better than bad mac and cheese. It's not close. Good pizza is almost unrivaled. Good mac and cheese is a pleasant surprise. There can only be one explanation for this. 

I understand that Chelsea Peretti enjoys provoking the masses, as she should. Getting upset over something that was said on twitter is roughly equivalent to getting upset over something that someone wrote on a piece of cardboard, set on fire and threw into a lake, or getting upset over a YouTube comment. However, the problem here is much deeper. While it would be ridiculous to get upset over something on twitter, "tweets" can, and should, be seen as signs for help. If I were mumbling things that were clearly insane, like "Dog in the club" or "Mac and Cheese > Pizza" I would hope that if anyone overheard, they would call a doctor. So, I feel it is my obligation as a human being to continue to monitor Chelsea Peretti's "tweets" for medical reasons. 98% of my twitter followers are bots getting me to sexchat, but under the unlikely circumstance that someone who is reading this knows Chelsea Peretti and knows where she is right now, please call an ambulance. Tweeting "Mac and Cheese > Pizza" is one of the early warning signs of a stroke, and time lost is brain lost. 

(If anyone wants to seriously have the Mac and Cheese v Pizza debate as an academic exercise, I will defend pizza until I die.)