What if Dogs Could Talk?

I was in the Jewel of the Nile, Seattle Washington this last weekend and I got to talking with someone (I don't really know how to define our relationship but I feel like whenever we hang out we really hit it off, and we have been on one date) made the comment that he* doesn't like those books that are all facts. And I agreed with him, and I gave a stupid example of a stupid fact. The example I gave was: "Dogs can read." Now, I thought it was so ridiculous that there was no way it could be true. But then this person with whom I have an ambiguous relationship and I got to thinking, and we expounded on this point. I would like to tell you what we thought of, and then expound further.

So, let's accept the assumption that all dogs can read. This, obviously does not assume that they can also write, or talk. Obviously they couldn't write. We (humans) have opposable thumbs, and not even all of us (humans) can write (you know, like doctors, and old people, and babies.) So there's no way to expect dogs to be able to write, even though they can in fact read. The same goes for speaking. Obviously they don't have the vocal chord capacity to speak English, or any other language. Again, being able to read doesn't, and shouldn't imply any other language skills. But the point is, dogs can read but not write or talk.

This becomes especially interesting when you consider the amount of free time dogs have. Really the only way to know what a dog is doing all the time is to carry it around in a bag, like a sociopath. Nobody really knows what every dog is doing at all times. And really, who knows how much a dog sleeps? If I had to give an estimate, I would put dogs at around 18-20 hours of free time per day. And what are they going to do during all this free time? They can only play stick and ball games for so long. At some point the owner is going to get bored. After taking out play time, time to eat, and time to sleep, dogs probably have roughly 14 hours of free time per day. And what do you think they're doing during this time?

Reading, duh. And while there's no way to really know how fast a dog can read, we can at least assume that dogs are extremely well read. But here's the kicker, there's no way for dogs to communicate. So, as far as each dog knows, they're the only dog in the world that can read. Sure they can read, but it's not like they're geniuses. So, whenever they run into another dog, they have to communicate with it in the way they know that dogs communicate: by barking. And, probably as far as they know, the other dog understands the barking, so it totally works.

So, basically, there's however many dogs in the world who are really very well read, barking only because that's how they think dogs are supposed to communicate. Because they've read it, in a book. Prove me wrong.


*I'm straight... Ladies...

Cinetopia

I watched Star Trek Into Darkness over the weekend. But more importantly, I watched it in the living room theater at Cinetopia. It's one of those theaters with leather seats and food service. The guy next to me ordered a glass of white wine, to drink while watching a movie in his leather chair.

One of the previews was for Fast and Furious 6. I don't know if I've said it, but once a franchise gets to five (you know, your Die Hards, your Fasts and Furiouses) I just hope it gets to 10. So, after the preview was over, I said, kind of under my breath, "I just hope they get to ten at this point."

And the guy next to me started chuckling. But, I had said it while he was taking a sip of his wine, and he started to choke on his white wine, in Cinetopia. Don't worry, he survived.

But as he was choking, I thought, if he died choking on white wine sitting in a leather chair, watching a movie in a theater, that might be the whitest way to go.

In regards to recent allegations, I had my writing staff compose a response.

Here at zackipedia.blogspot.com, we pride ourselves on being four things; honest, ethical, logical and patriotic. Even when we come under fire from freedom hating socialists like those over at "alexdeeley.com" we stand proudly. Let's start this story at the beginning, and go through every one of the "allegations" that the cowards leveled at our founder. Please don't confuse this for anything but a completely voluntary defense of a not at all totalitarian boss, who is definitely not in the "pocket" of big grape nut.

May I remind you that our benevolent leader is a totally normal sized person, and would not fit in the pocket of "big" anything. Everyone over at "alexdeeley" needs to cool it with these size related rumors, and let me kill the following rumors before they even get started, not that they would:

Zack has never once threatened to deport a member of the writing staff.

And, he has never even cut off all ten of one of our writers' fingers.

Cereal companies do not, have not, or will never pay our beloved leader do put out pro cereal propaganda.

Kony 2012 is not even the best national tragedy to compare our best lover to, if you chose to do so.

How can we even begin to say how lucky we, the writing staff at zackipedia, are to be employed by such a charismatic leader. A better employment opportunity, we could not find, even if we wanted to, and were allowed to, not that we aren't allowed to. Some people may call the working conditions her "poor" or "illegal" or "antebellum" or "morally bankrupt" or "actually very forward thinking, inventing new ways to oppress people."

And those people can't speak to the reality of the situation, because they haven't seen where we work.

Go ahead and say that we are "uninformed" or that we don't "fact check" or that we haven't seen our families in years. Uninformed isn't even fair, every one of our writers has gone to education camp, generously donated by the leader himself. Not only are we not uninformed, but we don't even need to fact check, considering our leader is the creator of knowledge.

The audacity it takes to accuse someone as merciful as the leader of taking "blood money" would not only be unprecedented, it would be dangerous. Only someone who wants to seriously endanger their personal well being would accuse such a powerful entity of being involved in the grassy knoll conspiracy, specifically, playing a huge role in the cover up.

Maybe the writers of alexdeeley.com don't know how merciful the great leader is.
You probably wouldn't commit such heresy if you knew whom you were attacking.

Here, let me just warn you now, you do not want to cross the founder of zackipedia. Everyone who has gone up against him has failed. Alex deeley, you are nothing if not someone who is capable of cracking codes. Do you really think you can go up against the not at all abused writing staff of zackipedia.com and win?