Because honestly, what took so long? Honey nut Cheerios, the last advance in Cheerios as a whole, debuted in 1979. So why did it take so long for a company that's paid to come up with flavors of cereal to think of peanut butter? Peanut butter is used to get dogs to do a variety of things legal or illegal. You can't dip a pill in honey and nuts to get a dog to eat it. Don't kid yourselves, dogs aren't stupid. They know when there's an intruder, or when the freezer is making ice. They know there's a pill in the peanut butter, and they eat it anyways because they can't get the lid off themselves. So why didn't they think of it sooner? They did.
If you don't think that General Mills thought of peanut butter cheerios long ago, you're most likely unfamiliar with the game of tennis. Not to be confused with the British lawn game, tennis is a game played between two friends who don't want to wear white shorts. A pair of friends or associates or what have you are given a topic, such as 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Then each participant names a player from the 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers until one of them cannot think of a player. The trick to the game, as you might guess, is to go from popular to obscure. You may know that Danny Reece was on the team, but your friend probably doesn't. So you go through your Dan Ryczeks, your Essex Johnsons, your more popular players, first and then you bring out your ace in the hole. Your Danny Reece. Peanut Butter Cheerios is General Mills's Danny Reece. They've gone through Dan 'Frosted Cheerios' Ryczek, they've gone through Essex 'Apple Cinnamon Cheerios' Johnson, and now they're onto Danny Reece.
In fact, Big Cereal companies everywhere are onto they're respective Danny Reeces. Frosted Toast Crunch, Peanut Butter Cheerios, and Cinnamon Chex have all popped up in the last few years with Peanut Butter Cheerios being the most recent and most glaring. Cereal companies everywhere are throwing hay-makers. They're playing tennis and they're naming the kicker, the long snapper and the towel boy. But why? Who is this foe, and how does he know so much about the 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers? He doesn't. He's fighting dirty.
The attack on Big Cereal has been malicious and it has been thorough. Most people probably haven't even noticed. A commercial about the dangers of High Fructose Corn Syrup may not seem like a malicious attack at all. If you're loyal to the Great Gazoo, it might seem like someone is looking out for your best interest. High Fructose Corn Syrup is no more dangerous to the human body than anything else we eat. So why is it being assaulted? Well, the anti-HFCS commercials are in fact by a well known Communist faction that, that shall remain nameless. But, as communists, they are of course poor. So where is the money really coming from?
Who is Big Cereal's biggest threat? Occam's razor tells us that the simplest answer is often the best. I would not describe myself as a 'breakfaster' so let me ask you. What do you want for breakfast? Fruit? The fruit industry would be nothing without cereal. People wouldn't even eat fruit if it weren't for cereal. Cereal commercials often feature fruit, and when they don't, it's a commercial for a fruit flavored cereal. Nice try. Yogurt? 85% of yogurt is made by Kellogg. Get your facts straight. Pop-Tarts? Really. The same Pop-tarts that are made by Kellogg? I'm surprised you stopped breathing out of your mouth long enough to even suggest that, mouth breather. Cold Pizza? I'm sorry, this isn't the X-games.
Who said Eggs? Oh right, that was me. Big Cereal and the Chicken Farmers have been at war for centuries. And it only got worse when Corn Flakes picked that ridiculous chicken mascot that can only be taken as a direct slap in the face to chickens everywhere. They might as well be the Cleveland Indians. The egocentricity of the Chicken Farmer is rivaled only by his ability to farm chickens. And they're hatred of Big Cereal finally came to a head when they funded those vicious attack ads against HFCS.
The Chicken Farmer isn't even creative. They knew they had to bring down cereal and their only solution was to use something that had already been used against them; the health ad. The american public eats it up every time. Of course, now we know cholesterol doesn't exist, but it almost brought down the egg industry as a whole. We would have all been eating egg-free foods for the rest of our lives, if it weren't for cereal. With the famous 'Honey Nut Cheerios lowers cholesterol' ads, Big Cereal saved its enemy. Because much like Sherlock and Moriarty, Big Cereal knows that one cannot exist without the other. But the Chicken Farmer's ego cannot be quenched. It wanted to push Big Cereal off the ledge.
Because with cereal out of the way, there's more corn for the chickens, and less competition at the breakfast table. And we all know, Chicken Farmers don't play second fiddle, they play first. So the cereal companies are doing the only thing they can. They're bringing out the big guns. Peanut Butter Cheerios exist, and now it's up to the American people to make the choice. You can eat eggs for breakfast, and do as the Great Gazoo bids. But if you refuse to eat cereal because of the communist propaganda on TV, you're giving into terrorism. Fight Communism. Fight Terrorism. Eat Cereal.
The attack on Big Cereal has been malicious and it has been thorough. Most people probably haven't even noticed. A commercial about the dangers of High Fructose Corn Syrup may not seem like a malicious attack at all. If you're loyal to the Great Gazoo, it might seem like someone is looking out for your best interest. High Fructose Corn Syrup is no more dangerous to the human body than anything else we eat. So why is it being assaulted? Well, the anti-HFCS commercials are in fact by a well known Communist faction that, that shall remain nameless. But, as communists, they are of course poor. So where is the money really coming from?
Who is Big Cereal's biggest threat? Occam's razor tells us that the simplest answer is often the best. I would not describe myself as a 'breakfaster' so let me ask you. What do you want for breakfast? Fruit? The fruit industry would be nothing without cereal. People wouldn't even eat fruit if it weren't for cereal. Cereal commercials often feature fruit, and when they don't, it's a commercial for a fruit flavored cereal. Nice try. Yogurt? 85% of yogurt is made by Kellogg. Get your facts straight. Pop-Tarts? Really. The same Pop-tarts that are made by Kellogg? I'm surprised you stopped breathing out of your mouth long enough to even suggest that, mouth breather. Cold Pizza? I'm sorry, this isn't the X-games.
Who said Eggs? Oh right, that was me. Big Cereal and the Chicken Farmers have been at war for centuries. And it only got worse when Corn Flakes picked that ridiculous chicken mascot that can only be taken as a direct slap in the face to chickens everywhere. They might as well be the Cleveland Indians. The egocentricity of the Chicken Farmer is rivaled only by his ability to farm chickens. And they're hatred of Big Cereal finally came to a head when they funded those vicious attack ads against HFCS.
The Chicken Farmer isn't even creative. They knew they had to bring down cereal and their only solution was to use something that had already been used against them; the health ad. The american public eats it up every time. Of course, now we know cholesterol doesn't exist, but it almost brought down the egg industry as a whole. We would have all been eating egg-free foods for the rest of our lives, if it weren't for cereal. With the famous 'Honey Nut Cheerios lowers cholesterol' ads, Big Cereal saved its enemy. Because much like Sherlock and Moriarty, Big Cereal knows that one cannot exist without the other. But the Chicken Farmer's ego cannot be quenched. It wanted to push Big Cereal off the ledge.
Because with cereal out of the way, there's more corn for the chickens, and less competition at the breakfast table. And we all know, Chicken Farmers don't play second fiddle, they play first. So the cereal companies are doing the only thing they can. They're bringing out the big guns. Peanut Butter Cheerios exist, and now it's up to the American people to make the choice. You can eat eggs for breakfast, and do as the Great Gazoo bids. But if you refuse to eat cereal because of the communist propaganda on TV, you're giving into terrorism. Fight Communism. Fight Terrorism. Eat Cereal.
