Welcome back to commercial deconstruction with me. I'm me, let's begin. In case you haven't seen the commercial, it's the filthy M&M commercial that you should be linked to by clicking on the word commercial. No, not that one, the other one. No, the first one. There we go. I'll wait.
Frankly, I'm shocked that is aired on TV. It implies a brutal sexual murder. How can they show this, and not allow people to swear in commercials? It's a double standard that needs to be stopped. Cannibalism and fetishism can be used to sell chocolate, but swearing is not allowed?
So, the culprit here is obviously the red head. By the way, isn't that profiling? Not all redheads are maniacs, advertisers. I've never been close enough to one to find out. I'm just assuming. But the real matter at hand is what's the fate of the red M&M? We can assume that the red headed woman is dangerous. Brown's friend told her to stay away from her because she would "devour" her. Now there's a chance that she meant it as a euphemism, but that's unlikely. The woman doesn't necessarily seem interested in her gender. She's more interested in the fact that she's made of chocolate. And, we know there's some animosity between Brown and Red, presumably because of Brown's perceived elitism. But does Brown so hate Red that she's going to send him to his very violent and most likely death? Apparently.
But if we're assuming that she's going to eat Red, the next question is just exactly who is Red? Like, what is his standing existentially? He's obviously able to make his own decisions. He's walking talking and thinking. So, does he deserve to be eaten? No. Also, just what does the red headed woman plan on doing with him? Assuming he's made of solid chocolate, that's a lot of chocolate. Does she really plan on eating him all in one sitting? Or is she going to cut off little pieces at a time? Is she going to keep him in her basement and eat him piece by piece? She should be arrested just for thinking about it. She should be arrested just for making me think about it. And the Brown M&M is an accessory. All to sell M&Ms.
Thursday, September 26, 2013
Sunday, September 15, 2013
"Zack's Night Out."
In case you've been living under a rock for the last few days, internet sensation Jared Smith, has been posting the "Entries" from a certain "Zack's" night "out." There are several disturbing inaccuracies that I, the "Zack" of Zack's Night Out, cannot bare to let go unnoticed. Not to mention the fact that Jared starts the whole thing by calling me his "friend." Would a "friend" expose one of the longest, most horrifying nights of your life, all to chase the rabbit he calls fame? I don't think so.
If you want to go on living your life as a sheep, believing every word that your master Jared tells you, by all means stop reading here. Good. Nobody left. So, sit around the campfire, kids, and I'll tell you the truth about "Zack's Night Out."
Jared reveals some of his biases right off the bat. He says that the "Lord of Trash" "made" me his wife. Well, if just so happens that the so called "lord" of trash is whatever the girl version of lord is. The Lady of Trash. So what exactly does Jared have to gain by sensationalizing the story? Hmm? Maybe more viewers? Hmm? Embellish much Jared? And, I was not pulled into the trash can. I went of my own free will. Wake up sheeple. This is classic media agenda, not wanting the TRUTH to come out.
"Jared" continues in part two to paint Helen and my relationship as a captor-prisoner relationship, when in reality, it was true love. I was not "rescued" by a troupe of feral cats. That's impossible. Helen simply has the ability to transform into a group of cats whenever she wants. So, I guess you could say Helen rescued me from the doldrums of my everyday life. The smelly part was true though. She does live in a dumpster. What do you expect?
The really troubling part is what follows. I can now confirm that Jared is "trolling" for viewers. Why else would he mention B*g T*to's name. This almost certainly signals the end of Jared's Blog. But, he should know that nobody messes with BT. Nobody talks to him. Nobody looks him in the eye. NOBODY speaks or writes his name. Nobody even thinks about him. Because he will find out. And he will get his broken plunger justice.
Good Luck Jared.
May God have mercy on your soul. Or whatever's left of it after B*g T*to's done with it. Yes, your soul. He will obliterate your soul.
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
What if Dogs Could Talk?
I was in the Jewel of the Nile, Seattle Washington this last weekend and I got to talking with someone (I don't really know how to define our relationship but I feel like whenever we hang out we really hit it off, and we have been on one date) made the comment that he* doesn't like those books that are all facts. And I agreed with him, and I gave a stupid example of a stupid fact. The example I gave was: "Dogs can read." Now, I thought it was so ridiculous that there was no way it could be true. But then this person with whom I have an ambiguous relationship and I got to thinking, and we expounded on this point. I would like to tell you what we thought of, and then expound further.
So, let's accept the assumption that all dogs can read. This, obviously does not assume that they can also write, or talk. Obviously they couldn't write. We (humans) have opposable thumbs, and not even all of us (humans) can write (you know, like doctors, and old people, and babies.) So there's no way to expect dogs to be able to write, even though they can in fact read. The same goes for speaking. Obviously they don't have the vocal chord capacity to speak English, or any other language. Again, being able to read doesn't, and shouldn't imply any other language skills. But the point is, dogs can read but not write or talk.
This becomes especially interesting when you consider the amount of free time dogs have. Really the only way to know what a dog is doing all the time is to carry it around in a bag, like a sociopath. Nobody really knows what every dog is doing at all times. And really, who knows how much a dog sleeps? If I had to give an estimate, I would put dogs at around 18-20 hours of free time per day. And what are they going to do during all this free time? They can only play stick and ball games for so long. At some point the owner is going to get bored. After taking out play time, time to eat, and time to sleep, dogs probably have roughly 14 hours of free time per day. And what do you think they're doing during this time?
Reading, duh. And while there's no way to really know how fast a dog can read, we can at least assume that dogs are extremely well read. But here's the kicker, there's no way for dogs to communicate. So, as far as each dog knows, they're the only dog in the world that can read. Sure they can read, but it's not like they're geniuses. So, whenever they run into another dog, they have to communicate with it in the way they know that dogs communicate: by barking. And, probably as far as they know, the other dog understands the barking, so it totally works.
So, basically, there's however many dogs in the world who are really very well read, barking only because that's how they think dogs are supposed to communicate. Because they've read it, in a book. Prove me wrong.
*I'm straight... Ladies...
So, let's accept the assumption that all dogs can read. This, obviously does not assume that they can also write, or talk. Obviously they couldn't write. We (humans) have opposable thumbs, and not even all of us (humans) can write (you know, like doctors, and old people, and babies.) So there's no way to expect dogs to be able to write, even though they can in fact read. The same goes for speaking. Obviously they don't have the vocal chord capacity to speak English, or any other language. Again, being able to read doesn't, and shouldn't imply any other language skills. But the point is, dogs can read but not write or talk.
This becomes especially interesting when you consider the amount of free time dogs have. Really the only way to know what a dog is doing all the time is to carry it around in a bag, like a sociopath. Nobody really knows what every dog is doing at all times. And really, who knows how much a dog sleeps? If I had to give an estimate, I would put dogs at around 18-20 hours of free time per day. And what are they going to do during all this free time? They can only play stick and ball games for so long. At some point the owner is going to get bored. After taking out play time, time to eat, and time to sleep, dogs probably have roughly 14 hours of free time per day. And what do you think they're doing during this time?
Reading, duh. And while there's no way to really know how fast a dog can read, we can at least assume that dogs are extremely well read. But here's the kicker, there's no way for dogs to communicate. So, as far as each dog knows, they're the only dog in the world that can read. Sure they can read, but it's not like they're geniuses. So, whenever they run into another dog, they have to communicate with it in the way they know that dogs communicate: by barking. And, probably as far as they know, the other dog understands the barking, so it totally works.
So, basically, there's however many dogs in the world who are really very well read, barking only because that's how they think dogs are supposed to communicate. Because they've read it, in a book. Prove me wrong.
*I'm straight... Ladies...
Monday, May 20, 2013
Cinetopia
I watched Star Trek Into Darkness over the weekend. But more importantly, I watched it in the living room theater at Cinetopia. It's one of those theaters with leather seats and food service. The guy next to me ordered a glass of white wine, to drink while watching a movie in his leather chair.
One of the previews was for Fast and Furious 6. I don't know if I've said it, but once a franchise gets to five (you know, your Die Hards, your Fasts and Furiouses) I just hope it gets to 10. So, after the preview was over, I said, kind of under my breath, "I just hope they get to ten at this point."
And the guy next to me started chuckling. But, I had said it while he was taking a sip of his wine, and he started to choke on his white wine, in Cinetopia. Don't worry, he survived.
But as he was choking, I thought, if he died choking on white wine sitting in a leather chair, watching a movie in a theater, that might be the whitest way to go.
One of the previews was for Fast and Furious 6. I don't know if I've said it, but once a franchise gets to five (you know, your Die Hards, your Fasts and Furiouses) I just hope it gets to 10. So, after the preview was over, I said, kind of under my breath, "I just hope they get to ten at this point."
And the guy next to me started chuckling. But, I had said it while he was taking a sip of his wine, and he started to choke on his white wine, in Cinetopia. Don't worry, he survived.
But as he was choking, I thought, if he died choking on white wine sitting in a leather chair, watching a movie in a theater, that might be the whitest way to go.
Saturday, May 4, 2013
In regards to recent allegations, I had my writing staff compose a response.
Here at zackipedia.blogspot.com, we pride ourselves on being four things; honest, ethical, logical and patriotic. Even when we come under fire from freedom hating socialists like those over at "alexdeeley.com" we stand proudly. Let's start this story at the beginning, and go through every one of the "allegations" that the cowards leveled at our founder. Please don't confuse this for anything but a completely voluntary defense of a not at all totalitarian boss, who is definitely not in the "pocket" of big grape nut.
May I remind you that our benevolent leader is a totally normal sized person, and would not fit in the pocket of "big" anything. Everyone over at "alexdeeley" needs to cool it with these size related rumors, and let me kill the following rumors before they even get started, not that they would:
Zack has never once threatened to deport a member of the writing staff.
And, he has never even cut off all ten of one of our writers' fingers.
Cereal companies do not, have not, or will never pay our beloved leader do put out pro cereal propaganda.
Kony 2012 is not even the best national tragedy to compare our best lover to, if you chose to do so.
How can we even begin to say how lucky we, the writing staff at zackipedia, are to be employed by such a charismatic leader. A better employment opportunity, we could not find, even if we wanted to, and were allowed to, not that we aren't allowed to. Some people may call the working conditions her "poor" or "illegal" or "antebellum" or "morally bankrupt" or "actually very forward thinking, inventing new ways to oppress people."
And those people can't speak to the reality of the situation, because they haven't seen where we work.
Go ahead and say that we are "uninformed" or that we don't "fact check" or that we haven't seen our families in years. Uninformed isn't even fair, every one of our writers has gone to education camp, generously donated by the leader himself. Not only are we not uninformed, but we don't even need to fact check, considering our leader is the creator of knowledge.
The audacity it takes to accuse someone as merciful as the leader of taking "blood money" would not only be unprecedented, it would be dangerous. Only someone who wants to seriously endanger their personal well being would accuse such a powerful entity of being involved in the grassy knoll conspiracy, specifically, playing a huge role in the cover up.
Maybe the writers of alexdeeley.com don't know how merciful the great leader is.
You probably wouldn't commit such heresy if you knew whom you were attacking.
Here, let me just warn you now, you do not want to cross the founder of zackipedia. Everyone who has gone up against him has failed. Alex deeley, you are nothing if not someone who is capable of cracking codes. Do you really think you can go up against the not at all abused writing staff of zackipedia.com and win?
May I remind you that our benevolent leader is a totally normal sized person, and would not fit in the pocket of "big" anything. Everyone over at "alexdeeley" needs to cool it with these size related rumors, and let me kill the following rumors before they even get started, not that they would:
Zack has never once threatened to deport a member of the writing staff.
And, he has never even cut off all ten of one of our writers' fingers.
Cereal companies do not, have not, or will never pay our beloved leader do put out pro cereal propaganda.
Kony 2012 is not even the best national tragedy to compare our best lover to, if you chose to do so.
How can we even begin to say how lucky we, the writing staff at zackipedia, are to be employed by such a charismatic leader. A better employment opportunity, we could not find, even if we wanted to, and were allowed to, not that we aren't allowed to. Some people may call the working conditions her "poor" or "illegal" or "antebellum" or "morally bankrupt" or "actually very forward thinking, inventing new ways to oppress people."
And those people can't speak to the reality of the situation, because they haven't seen where we work.
Go ahead and say that we are "uninformed" or that we don't "fact check" or that we haven't seen our families in years. Uninformed isn't even fair, every one of our writers has gone to education camp, generously donated by the leader himself. Not only are we not uninformed, but we don't even need to fact check, considering our leader is the creator of knowledge.
The audacity it takes to accuse someone as merciful as the leader of taking "blood money" would not only be unprecedented, it would be dangerous. Only someone who wants to seriously endanger their personal well being would accuse such a powerful entity of being involved in the grassy knoll conspiracy, specifically, playing a huge role in the cover up.
Maybe the writers of alexdeeley.com don't know how merciful the great leader is.
You probably wouldn't commit such heresy if you knew whom you were attacking.
Here, let me just warn you now, you do not want to cross the founder of zackipedia. Everyone who has gone up against him has failed. Alex deeley, you are nothing if not someone who is capable of cracking codes. Do you really think you can go up against the not at all abused writing staff of zackipedia.com and win?
Thursday, April 25, 2013
NFL Draft: All Hail Clowney
This is a weird year for the NFL draft (there's a guy named Barkevious.) And since I can talk to this piece of paper and it can't run away, or politely change the subject, or just get up and walk away, or tell me it doesn't want to hang out with me anymore, and then sleep with my girlfriend, get ready for the first annual Zackipedia NFL draft coverage.
Anyone can post a mock draft, so I'm not going to waste your time. Mostly because I would normally do it, but it would just be me finding a way for the best player to get to the Seahawks, and they don't have a first round pick this year. But, here are the biggest story lines of the 2013 NFL draft, according to me.
Jadeveon Clowney- Make no mistake, Jadeveon Clowney is the number one story in anything football related. Yes, the Ravens won the Superbowl, but that was in a Pre-Clowney era. Yes, 4 NFL players might come out of the closet, but how does this affect who gets the Clowney Pick next year. Yes, there are countless people with jelly brains suing the NFL, but how many more will there be once Clowney is in the league? He almost killed a guy last year. So, there are two potential story Clowney lines this year:
1) The Chiefs announce they're taking Luke Joeckel (Joeckel just sounds like the name of a Kansas City Chief) and as soon as he announces it, the car crash sound plays over the PA and Stone Cold Steve Austin's ring anthem plays, but here's the catch: in walks Clowney. He walks up to the stage, and Joeckel tries and fails to stop him. Andy Reid's face turns red, marking the official beginning of the football season. Clowney goes up to the podium, rips the microphone from Goodell's hand, and basically gives the "see you at Wrestlemania" speech that every wrestler seems to give, but instead of see you at Wrestlemania, it's see you next year. Eric Fisher cowers in his seat, because he knows he's next. The Jacksonville Jaguars take Matt Barkley with the second pick, basically assuring themselves the Clowney Pick.
2) One team drafts Clowney this year. Sure, he's not eligible, but who cares about rules? When does change happen? When somebody breaks the rules. If nobody ever broke the rules, we would still be living in England, eating baked beans and brushing our teeth with frosting. And how great would it be if teams could draft college players before they are eligible to come out? So one team this year, let's call them the "Seahawks" drafts Clowney this year. This wouldn't mean he could come out and play in the NFL this year. The "Seahawks" would just have his rights. So, next year when he leaves school, he's not in the draft, he just goes to Seattle. This would dramatically change the landscape of the NFL. The only rule would be the player has to have completed one year of college. So let's say the top prospect finishes his first year, and some team wants to take him. How high do you take him? It's still about risk management. He could take a class in oceanography the next semester and realize he's found his calling and quit football. Or he could injure his knee. The point is, I want Clowney on the Seahawks, and this is the only way I can see it happening.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
What's the most dangerous vehicle?
On the popular website twitter.com @edsbs poses the following question: "...what vehicle, with no prior experience, would you kill yourself fastest attempting to pilot?" There is only one answer, and I will tell you what it is. But I will first list the other answers that were suggested, and explain why they are wrong.
Helicopter: A helicopter, like any other flying vehicle, is ludicrous to even consider as an answer. While you would almost assuredly kill yourself trying to pilot a helicopter, it is not the one that would kill you the fastest. It would take you time to figure out how to a) get it off the ground and b) get it high enough off the ground to kill you in a crash, assuming you're strapped in properly.
Dragon: Nice try, but a dragon would be disqualified. The question is "what vehicle would you kill yourself fastest attempting to pilot?" A dragon would kill you before you attempt to pilot it. It would kill you without thinking, and it would enjoy it.
Funny Car: Again, nice try. Funny car and those fast motorcycles are out. Even though it's really fast and phallic, it's still a car. You can drive a car. Unless you were trying to kill yourself, this would not be it. And, if you were trying to kill yourself, a regular car or motorcycle would do just as well. But look for help first. Life's worth living.
Blimp: It's a balloon. Come on.
Submarine: I don't think people understand how vehicles work. They are designed with the idea that the passengers survive. You would not be able to figure out how to use a submarine, and it would be really hard to kill yourself with a submarine.
Tardis: I can't believe these people who are suggesting these things. A) You could not pilot a TARDIS. B) A TARDIS would actually try to keep you alive. It has a brain and a heart and everything.
Jetpack: Finally, a reasonable answer. Let me tell you why the jet pack is the only answer. A) It is easy to operate. B) It would take roughly 4 seconds, depending on the jet pack, to get you high enough to kill you. C) It shoots out fire, and contains fuel. It's basically a poorly made bomb attached to your back. It's a miracle when it doesn't kill you. D) There's no safety system. Can't emphasize this one enough.
Helicopter: A helicopter, like any other flying vehicle, is ludicrous to even consider as an answer. While you would almost assuredly kill yourself trying to pilot a helicopter, it is not the one that would kill you the fastest. It would take you time to figure out how to a) get it off the ground and b) get it high enough off the ground to kill you in a crash, assuming you're strapped in properly.
Dragon: Nice try, but a dragon would be disqualified. The question is "what vehicle would you kill yourself fastest attempting to pilot?" A dragon would kill you before you attempt to pilot it. It would kill you without thinking, and it would enjoy it.
Funny Car: Again, nice try. Funny car and those fast motorcycles are out. Even though it's really fast and phallic, it's still a car. You can drive a car. Unless you were trying to kill yourself, this would not be it. And, if you were trying to kill yourself, a regular car or motorcycle would do just as well. But look for help first. Life's worth living.
Blimp: It's a balloon. Come on.
Submarine: I don't think people understand how vehicles work. They are designed with the idea that the passengers survive. You would not be able to figure out how to use a submarine, and it would be really hard to kill yourself with a submarine.
Tardis: I can't believe these people who are suggesting these things. A) You could not pilot a TARDIS. B) A TARDIS would actually try to keep you alive. It has a brain and a heart and everything.
Jetpack: Finally, a reasonable answer. Let me tell you why the jet pack is the only answer. A) It is easy to operate. B) It would take roughly 4 seconds, depending on the jet pack, to get you high enough to kill you. C) It shoots out fire, and contains fuel. It's basically a poorly made bomb attached to your back. It's a miracle when it doesn't kill you. D) There's no safety system. Can't emphasize this one enough.
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Todd VanDerWerff is shitty.
On the popular website twitter.com, supposed "TV" "Critic" Todd "VanDerWerff" just now complained about the lack of people on the internet saying he was shitty. I can only assume because he is not shitty, but when a friend asks for help, I answer the call. I wouldn't call him a friend, but also when a stranger on the internet makes comments about the lack of people saying he's shitty, I make up some reasons why he's shitty. So, here are some reasons why Todd VanDerWerff is shitty.
1. He capitalizes too many letters in his last name. It's like, come on. Do you really need all those capitals? Who are you trying to impress?
2. His twitter picture is a goofy owl (I think) and I don't get the reference. He should pander directly to me, personally. In fact, I think I should be able to text or email him a picture suggestion and he should change it, no questions act.
3. What do we really know about Todd VanDerWerff? I mean, what kind of a name is Todd, anyways? I don't trust the parents that would name another human being "Todd" to raise children. Actually, scratch that, I forgot either the fox or the hound from The Fox and the Hound is named Todd. I think it's the fox.
4. Has he even been to the moon?
5. He spends a lot of time watching television, and I have it from several good authorities that TV rots your brain. Shouldn't we question the consistency of Mr. VanDerWerff's brain at this point?
6. He might not like my favorite shows. I don't actually know on this one. It's just too tough to nail down a list of "favorite shows."
7. The name Todd is growing on me. Is the name Todd a parasite? That would be a negative.
8. What kind of a twitter handle is tvoti? I mean seriously, again, I don't get the reference.
9. He has googled himself at least once, or he's a liar. Neither of these are positives.
10. What's his stance on slavery? I'm against it, but what about him? Why is he silent on the issue?
11. He didn't even sign the declaration of independence.
12. Just what kind of a name is VanDerWerff? (I actually like typing it now.)
13. He's never loaned me money.
14. He's never even seen my TV show.
15. He's probably not going to read this. And for all I know, he likes the bands I don't like.
Take that, jerk.
1. He capitalizes too many letters in his last name. It's like, come on. Do you really need all those capitals? Who are you trying to impress?
2. His twitter picture is a goofy owl (I think) and I don't get the reference. He should pander directly to me, personally. In fact, I think I should be able to text or email him a picture suggestion and he should change it, no questions act.
3. What do we really know about Todd VanDerWerff? I mean, what kind of a name is Todd, anyways? I don't trust the parents that would name another human being "Todd" to raise children. Actually, scratch that, I forgot either the fox or the hound from The Fox and the Hound is named Todd. I think it's the fox.
4. Has he even been to the moon?
5. He spends a lot of time watching television, and I have it from several good authorities that TV rots your brain. Shouldn't we question the consistency of Mr. VanDerWerff's brain at this point?
6. He might not like my favorite shows. I don't actually know on this one. It's just too tough to nail down a list of "favorite shows."
7. The name Todd is growing on me. Is the name Todd a parasite? That would be a negative.
8. What kind of a twitter handle is tvoti? I mean seriously, again, I don't get the reference.
9. He has googled himself at least once, or he's a liar. Neither of these are positives.
10. What's his stance on slavery? I'm against it, but what about him? Why is he silent on the issue?
11. He didn't even sign the declaration of independence.
12. Just what kind of a name is VanDerWerff? (I actually like typing it now.)
13. He's never loaned me money.
14. He's never even seen my TV show.
15. He's probably not going to read this. And for all I know, he likes the bands I don't like.
Take that, jerk.
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Cottonelle
I just don't know what to say. Here's the commercial. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mDqCLZazPBE Please watch it, then we can discuss.
So, let's take it blow by blow. I'm going to name the characters TP and Sis, for the sake of convenience. First, TP asks Sis "Where are you hiding your moist wipes?" Now, I've been in several bathrooms, I've been to several countries, and I've never felt that "moist wipes" were essential to the bathroom experience. I also feel like because of the lack of "moist wipes" in every bathroom I've ever been in, around the globe, I'm not in the minority. So, I think that puts TP squarely in the minority. TP is astonished that Sis does not have moist wipes in her bathroom. In fact, she assumes that Sis must have moist wipes in her bathroom, and she is hiding them. She goes so far as to ask Sis where she's hiding her moist wipes. She's astonished. She must has a moist wipe, and it can be assumed that this is all before she even has need for the moist wipes. She is not "caught with her pants down," so to speak. She is preemptively checking for moist wipes. They are so important to her that she thinks to check for moist wipes in the height of chaos, in the height of supposed necessity for moist wipes.
Sis, like a normal person, says she does not need them. Again, I need to stress that Sis is in the majority here. Never in my life have I encountered a necessity for moist wipes. I think it's reasonable to assert that I am not some sort of cave troll, and behind the times of hygiene. I have, in fact, spent night after night cleaning bathrooms for the general populous. And in these bathrooms, it was one of my responsibilities to refill the toilet paper, but it was not a responsibility to refill moist wipes. Again, I am not saying that moist wipes are unnecessary, I am just saying that never in my life have I felt an aching need for a moist wipe, and I think that the general population is not in need of moist wipes.
After this moment, the commercial starts to take a nasty turn. TP is so outraged at the lack of moist wipes, that she becomes almost a martyr. She needs to show Sis what it's like for her, and her people (the moist wipe obsessed.) So, she goes into a moment of blind rage. And in this moment of rage, she loses control and cedes tactical position. She goes into the bath tub and shows to Sis what it's like for her and her people. She shows the grinding feeling her (albeit crazy) people feel when they are forced by the ruling class to "get clean with TP but no moist wipes."
This is where the commercial descends into chaos. Sis seizes her opportunity to manipulate TP's poor tactical position and turns on the water to the shower. This serves the purpose of showing TP just what water can do, and also humiliating her. But, it also leaves the viewer with a confused message. This is supposedly a commercial for Cottonelle Moist Wipes, yet TP, who is championing the moist wipes, ends the commercial humiliated and defeated.
So, what is the viewer supposed to glean from this commercial? Is Cottonelle trying to create a market for the Moist Wipe? If so, why are they using this woman, who may or may not understand social conventions? Also, if they are trying to create a market, why are they taking this aggressive standpoint? And this cannot be the first commercial for the moist wipes. Are they trying to sell a different use for the Moist Wipe? Are other companies going to take up this strategy? Are we going to see commercials where someone is astonished that people aren't using their cars as a house, or using their pizza as a painting, or using their garbage can as a speaker? Who's to say? But, there's no denying this commercial is the first step down a disturbing path. And it cannot be ignored.
So, let's take it blow by blow. I'm going to name the characters TP and Sis, for the sake of convenience. First, TP asks Sis "Where are you hiding your moist wipes?" Now, I've been in several bathrooms, I've been to several countries, and I've never felt that "moist wipes" were essential to the bathroom experience. I also feel like because of the lack of "moist wipes" in every bathroom I've ever been in, around the globe, I'm not in the minority. So, I think that puts TP squarely in the minority. TP is astonished that Sis does not have moist wipes in her bathroom. In fact, she assumes that Sis must have moist wipes in her bathroom, and she is hiding them. She goes so far as to ask Sis where she's hiding her moist wipes. She's astonished. She must has a moist wipe, and it can be assumed that this is all before she even has need for the moist wipes. She is not "caught with her pants down," so to speak. She is preemptively checking for moist wipes. They are so important to her that she thinks to check for moist wipes in the height of chaos, in the height of supposed necessity for moist wipes.
Sis, like a normal person, says she does not need them. Again, I need to stress that Sis is in the majority here. Never in my life have I encountered a necessity for moist wipes. I think it's reasonable to assert that I am not some sort of cave troll, and behind the times of hygiene. I have, in fact, spent night after night cleaning bathrooms for the general populous. And in these bathrooms, it was one of my responsibilities to refill the toilet paper, but it was not a responsibility to refill moist wipes. Again, I am not saying that moist wipes are unnecessary, I am just saying that never in my life have I felt an aching need for a moist wipe, and I think that the general population is not in need of moist wipes.
After this moment, the commercial starts to take a nasty turn. TP is so outraged at the lack of moist wipes, that she becomes almost a martyr. She needs to show Sis what it's like for her, and her people (the moist wipe obsessed.) So, she goes into a moment of blind rage. And in this moment of rage, she loses control and cedes tactical position. She goes into the bath tub and shows to Sis what it's like for her and her people. She shows the grinding feeling her (albeit crazy) people feel when they are forced by the ruling class to "get clean with TP but no moist wipes."
This is where the commercial descends into chaos. Sis seizes her opportunity to manipulate TP's poor tactical position and turns on the water to the shower. This serves the purpose of showing TP just what water can do, and also humiliating her. But, it also leaves the viewer with a confused message. This is supposedly a commercial for Cottonelle Moist Wipes, yet TP, who is championing the moist wipes, ends the commercial humiliated and defeated.
So, what is the viewer supposed to glean from this commercial? Is Cottonelle trying to create a market for the Moist Wipe? If so, why are they using this woman, who may or may not understand social conventions? Also, if they are trying to create a market, why are they taking this aggressive standpoint? And this cannot be the first commercial for the moist wipes. Are they trying to sell a different use for the Moist Wipe? Are other companies going to take up this strategy? Are we going to see commercials where someone is astonished that people aren't using their cars as a house, or using their pizza as a painting, or using their garbage can as a speaker? Who's to say? But, there's no denying this commercial is the first step down a disturbing path. And it cannot be ignored.
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