Charles Barkley

On a recent episode of TNT Basketball show, TNT Basketball host and former NBA Basketball Player Charles Barkley made a joke. To paraphrase, he said that he had just seen Steven Spielberg's Lincoln, and now former president Abraham Lincoln, portrayed by Daniel Day-Lewis, was now his favorite president, because if it weren't for former president Lincoln, they would all be calling Ernie "boss." If you've never seen TNT Basketball show, Charles and two other commentators are black, and Ernie is white. So, the joke is that if it weren't for President Lincoln, the other three would still be slaves (Abraham Lincoln was the president when the thirteenth amendment, which outlawed slavery, was enacted) and Ernie would be their "boss." With his joke, Mr. Barkley is implying that had Mr. Lincoln not outlawed the act of slavery, nobody else would have, and so the black people on the TV set would be enslaved to the closest white person, in this case Ernie. Racial images aside, this joke implies three scenarios.

Scenario One: Charles Barkley did not know anything about Abraham Lincoln before seeing Steven Spielberg's Lincoln. This is not entirely out of the realm of possibility, and is the most logical conclusion that can be taken from Mr. Barkley's joke. Under this scenario, Mr. Barkley did not know that Mr. Lincoln was responsible for freeing the slaves and outlawing any future slavery. Under this scenario, Mr. Barkley then saw Steven Spielberg's Lincoln, learned that Abraham Lincoln, portrayed by Daniel Day-Lewis, was responsible for freeing the slaves. After learning this, Mr. Lincoln becomes Mr. Barkley's new favorite president. This is the most logical scenario for a few reasons. Mr. Barkley of course feels so passionately about the issue of slavery that the ender of slavery became his favorite president no questions asked. If Abraham Lincoln had been a drinker, and a womanizer, and a gambler, and a horse thief, we are to assume that he would still be Mr. Barkley's favorite president because he freed the slaves. The problem of this scenario is, of course, that Mr. Barkley went over 40 years of his life without knowing who was responsible for freeing the slaves. This is a problem, of course, because Mr. Lincoln, being a key figure in American history, is, based on anecdotal evidence, one of the most discussed characters today. So, that Mr. Barkley went the majority of his life without hearing about him would be upsetting for the american public school system, and the University of Auburn.

Scenario Two: Mr. Barkley's opinion of his favorite president changed upon seeing Steven Spielberg's Lincoln. This scenario should be summarily dismissed. This is the most disturbing scenario, more disturbing than the first.This implies that Mr. Barkley is so weak in his conviction that upon seeing a movie about Mr. Lincoln, Mr. Lincoln becomes his new favorite president. His track record shows that Mr. Barkley is a man of conviction, who is up front and honest, almost to a fault. This cannot be the case. Under this assumption, Mr. Barkley's favorite president would become former president Franklin Roosevelt after seeing Hyde Park on Hudson with me once he returns my emails. His favorite president would then become Terry Crews after seeing Idiocracy. He would then go back to Lincoln after seeing Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. This is the remotest of possibilities.

Scenario Three: Mr. Barkley is a comedic genius. This is entirely possible, and maybe the most believable. Under this scenario, Mr. Barkley understands the inherent contradiction of his joke, that it would imply that this is the first time he has learned about Mr. Lincoln, which would be absurd given how influential he was on the history of the country. Mr. Barkley also understands the inherent tension of the joke, being almost a faux pas that would assuredly make poor Ernie blush at the least. Mr. Barkley also understands the public backlash of making such a bold joke on TNT Basketball show, the main focus of which being to discuss all the happenings of Basketball, which makes a racial joke like the one Mr. Barkley told absurd and out of place. This is the most positive scenario, because it assumes Mr. Barkley was aware of Mr. Lincoln's impact, and also that Mr. Barkley has a sense of humor.

Hungry Hungry Hippos

It appears the Mayans had the right idea, but were off on the year. Apparently, Hasbro is going to make a Hungry Hungry Hippos movie. No, seriously. So, if anyone reading this has any connections to Hasbro, please give them my personal phone number, I have some big ideas for the script. I've never actually written a screenplay, or really anything professionally, so I think I'm more than qualified to write a script for a movie based on a game that involves frantically pushing a button, and random chance. Actually, I have several ideas for other movies based on toys. I'll be contacting Hasbro as soon as I'm done with this, and I'll let you know how it goes. I'm at least hoping they'll hear me out. The following is a list of ideas for stories based on child hood toys:

Hungry Hungry Hippos:

A popular game has developed in Africa where people can throw balls into water, and bet on which hippo will eat the ball. The game becomes a worldwide sensation, until one day, the hippos turn violent a la Deep Blue Sea. Things have gone exactly as the hippos planned, and they unleash a hippo army on the millions of spectators. A small group of survivors are followed, as they set up a new society post hippo apocalypse. 

The Rubiks Cube:

A mysterious multi-colored cube appears from the sky, and in a Sword in the Stone like competition, people from all over the world come to try to figure out the cube. One young boy is successful, and he either gains ultimate power, or it triggers an explosion that has to be stopped. I'm not sure which yet. Maybe both.

Bop-it:

Several multi-colored sticks crash land on earth, and they become hugely popular as a Simon says like game. Everyone, except for a select few, takes to playing with the sticks, not knowing that they are slowly being brain washed by the sticks. Now it's up to a select few to find out what happened, and save the planet. 

20 Questions (the electronic game):

A telepathic device is discovered in an ancient Egyptian tomb (I'm tired of things crash landing from space) and falls into the wrong hands. It will take a genius, probably, to beat the man who possesses the device, recover it, and send it back to where it came from, probably space either way. 

Dice (the six sided cubes):

Strange six sided cubes crash land on Earth, and their rolls determine the future. The human race must band together to defeat the six sided cubes, and rescue humanity from their tyrannical reign. 

Playing Cards:

In medieval times, four royal families are warring, and the peasants are suffering. One boy goes to a mysterious voodoo priest, or wizard or something, for help. The priest wizard gives him a series of pieces of paper that can control the royal families. Now, a young boy is in control of the fate of several countries, and only he can stop the war. Or can he? 

Jacks: 

A secret society, or aliens or Egyptians, have developed a series of explosives that stick to anything and explode with 100% lethal accuracy. A team of scientists discover that the only way to remove the bombs is a bouncing object that makes the bomb removable for a period of time. Now it's a war of bombs versus bomb removers for some reason. 

I missed my calling.

For one of my classes, we're supposed to translate poems from Spanish to English without looking it up. Here it is. From what I understand of poetry, I should be getting an award for this any time now.


I Fly

Alcove see, brother or die, live,
since, when no live
here bushel, bushels,
enter foot and ocean,
at the porcelain light
of the SPAM.
Here bushel bushels,
because here flies sin, decides nothing,
sin wants, sin mouth, pure,
here flies to Mr. Movement
of the water, of
on the salivating horizon,
here stars lost and encountered:
here was tall vase, lost and silent.


The Deacon


What meter wants that i don’t know
and is easy coma Lego
sin Rambo, taco and a brain, enter and mire
the retreats of yesterday in the parades,
the commodore of death and the brother
the silicone, the Camas, the salaries,
only entrances understand
that all don’t know me.
Shallow don’t see that calls want a peace sign,
no how many brothers become so called
troubadours of diverse razors
of emulating insufficiencies.

Chick-fil-a

I'm a bit of a news junkie. I can't go anywhere without overhearing some bit of news. So when I heard someone mention something about a Chick Fil A boycott, I could not have been happier. Finally, they get what's coming to them. For far too long, terrible fast food chains have gone on unchecked. Local restaurants are just as good, if not better than most fast food chains. It's time we as a nation took a stand. The McDonald's's, the Taco Bells, and the Burger Kings have survived on name alone for years, and it's time they were called to task. I'm not really sure why Chick Fil A is the poster child for this. Their "cow terrorist" ad campaign is kind of funny, but I have never, and will never have a Chick Fil A sandwich. But I'm not going to stop there. Here is a list of fast food chains that need to be stopped.

McDonald's- There is literally nothing good about McDonald's. Their mascot is a seven foot tall red headed Juggalo, who's friends with a thief and a weird purple thing. Sure they sell terrible toys to children, and their food is not very good in general, but on the upside. The best thing on the McDonald's menu is the breakfast. Unfortunately, if you're willing to stare death in the face and eat breakfast from McDonald's, it's only available until 10:00 am.

Taco Bell- Taco Bell has worse food than McDonald's, which may be the worst thing I can say about Taco Bell. The upside is that while it doesn't taste like anything really, there's not much of it, so you don't have to endure too much. The best thing on the Taco Bell menu is definitely those cinnamon sugar packing peanuts.

Burger King- Burger King may have better burgers than McDonald's, which may be the best thing I can say about Burger King. If turning your air conditioner to an uncomfortably cold temperature so people will eat and leave is painting, then Burger King is Vincent Van Gogh. While they may not be celebrated in their time for this, I know that on that glorious day when all the Burger Kings have closed, people will look back and say "Why was the temperature in every Burger King slightly above freezing all the time?" The best thing on the Burger King menu is the Thaw-Proof Milkshake.

Panda Express- Panda Express is essentially the McDonald's of Chinese food. I like Panda Express, and I don't know what that says about me as a person. Does that mean I like Chinese food more than American food? I like fast food Chinese more than fast food burgers, but I like good burgers more than good Chinese. I think that means Chinese food has a high floor (bad Chinese food is better than bad other food), and I'm not a communist for liking Panda Express. I've emerged from this experience a stronger person capable of realizing my hopes and dreams. The best thing on the Panda Express menu is the orange chicken.

I don't think it was a cry for help. The Sequel.

I've done a lot of thinking in the past two days, and a lot of reflecting. A lot of pondering and a lot of considering. I've decided that it wasn't a cry for help, for two reasons. Today I watched two episodes of the consensus really good show, Lost. And yesterday I watched two episodes of Lost. That's it. I didn't fall into a shame spiral and watch fourteen episodes. I just watched two.  I know that Lost is a good show, which is why I only watched two episodes. Reaper is popcorn. Scratch that. Reaper is that bag of caramel corn and cheese corn together in one magical bag. Through some act of God, the kernels are all popped to the same size with the same amount of topping. I'm 10% sure there are scientists who were working on this snack food instead of curing cancer, gifted scientists at that, and I'm fine with it. Either way, man cannot survive on delicious caramel/cheese popcorn alone. So, I don't have a problem. I just like TV. For the record, I feel slightly more justified in sadistically enjoying Reaper after going to over two well known TV reviewing websites and seeing that it was well received at the time it came out. (That's reason number two, in case you were counting.) So, I thought to redeem myself, I would list some good shows that I have watched on Netflix. And as a side note, according to my public relations people, the post with the most hits is the one that had "Game of Thrones" in the title. So, after this, I'm going to start an experiment of sorts. If you like misleading titles, you're in for a treat, if you don't like misleading titles, I'm sorry but we can never be friends. And buckle up.

Lost. I've now seen seven episodes of Lost, one of which being the finale. This was one of the more anticipated series finales in recent memory, so I watched it, knowing nothing about any of the characters or the story line. I've now watched the first six episodes in the last three days. The characters and story are much better than anything on the previous list. It also features one of the most terrifying characters I've seen on a TV show in a long time. Jack's eyes have a twinkle that can only be surgically implanted. I don't know if I'm supposed to swoon, or not look directly into them for fear he may possess me with his devilish charm. So far, Lost is good. I like to pretend that Locke is Creed from the Office, which makes everything a little bit funnier.

Parks and Recreation. Parks and Rec is good. If you like good shows, you should watch it.

Game of Thrones. Game of Thrones isn't on Netflix, but it's a good show. If you like good shows, you should watch Game of Thrones.

Louie. Louie is a funny show. If you like funny shows, you should watch Louie.

Editor's note: This was started before the Chelsea Peretti incident occurred and should be treated accordingly.

Chelsea Peretti

Today on twitter.com, Chelsea Peretti started what she probably thought was a debate. She said "mac and cheese > pizza." This means one of two things. Hopefully, it means that Chelsea Peretti sometimes gets confused about which way means greater than, and which way means less than, or maybe it was a typo. That would mean that I can continue to respect her as a human being and comedian. Unfortunately, based on her conduct after the fact, I have to assume the worst. I have to assume that Chelsea Peretti really does believe that mac and cheese is better than pizza. For the record, from here on when I say "Chelsea Peretti" it's because I don't want to take the time to type out her full title: Former respected comedian, the macaroni and cheese eating communist Chelsea Peretti. 

Now, I'll admit that when I first read this, I was upset. Mac and Cheese is not > Pizza. Mac and Cheese < Pizza. It's not close. The best case scenario for Mac and Cheese is a side dish. Pizza is naturally a main course. Pizza can have any variety of sauces, cheeses, toppings, crusts, etc. Mac and Cheese can have different cheeses or different pastas, and breadcrumbs if you're a sociopath. I'm upset at myself for even considering that she seriously believes that Mac and Cheese > Pizza. Bad pizza is better than bad mac and cheese. It's not close. Good pizza is almost unrivaled. Good mac and cheese is a pleasant surprise. There can only be one explanation for this. 

I understand that Chelsea Peretti enjoys provoking the masses, as she should. Getting upset over something that was said on twitter is roughly equivalent to getting upset over something that someone wrote on a piece of cardboard, set on fire and threw into a lake, or getting upset over a YouTube comment. However, the problem here is much deeper. While it would be ridiculous to get upset over something on twitter, "tweets" can, and should, be seen as signs for help. If I were mumbling things that were clearly insane, like "Dog in the club" or "Mac and Cheese > Pizza" I would hope that if anyone overheard, they would call a doctor. So, I feel it is my obligation as a human being to continue to monitor Chelsea Peretti's "tweets" for medical reasons. 98% of my twitter followers are bots getting me to sexchat, but under the unlikely circumstance that someone who is reading this knows Chelsea Peretti and knows where she is right now, please call an ambulance. Tweeting "Mac and Cheese > Pizza" is one of the early warning signs of a stroke, and time lost is brain lost. 

(If anyone wants to seriously have the Mac and Cheese v Pizza debate as an academic exercise, I will defend pizza until I die.)

I can't decide if this is a cry for help or not.

I've heard the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. So, in front of the three people who could possibly read this, I'm going to admit that I have a problem. I will watch literally any TV show on Netflix. I don't often watch TV shows regularly when the episodes are new, because I can either remember what day and time a show is on, or know what day it is, but not both simultaneously. Netflix has solved this problem for me, but it has presented a new problem. 

Someone I know recently told me about a show that he described as prematurely canceled. My mind immediately went to Arrested Development, which I like and have watched in its entirety. So, naturally I was intrigued. I went home and watched the first episode and it's laughable at best. I finished watching the show when the person who told me about it was present, mainly so I could berate it in front of him. We finished the next episode and proceeded to watch the next few. The person whom I will never let live down telling me about this show left and my brother and I are now on season two. It's a serious problem, and I am currently searching for a group to help (Update: Wikipedia says television addiction is a real thing. I don't actually think I have that. But I would be interested in a group of people who like terrible TV shows to commiserate with.) That all got a little too serious. Here is a list of terrible TV shows that I have watched, am watching, or would consider watching.

Reaper: This is the show I was talking about. It's about a boy whose parents sold his soul to the devil before he was born. Supernatural legal ramifications not withstanding, the rest of the show doesn't improve much. The parents, of course think they can outsmart the devil by not having kids, but they can't trick a trickster. The devil gets a doctor to lie to them and tell them they can't have kids, so they of course take advantage of that news like any married christian adults would. They have a kid, and the devil comes to collect on his 21st birthday for some reason. The devil does not kill the kid, or have him kill people, he has him 'return escaped souls to hell.' Put best by the devil, played by that one guy from that one thing, describes the show best right after he gives him the news: "That's cool, right?" Which, to me is the creators of the show saying "please let it be cool please let it be cool please let it be cool." If you like going "Hey, it's that guy" this is the show for you.

Firefly: People really like this show apparently. It's morally ambiguous space cowboys in the future. There's a Baldwin in it, and he's apparently really dumb and I think he has a girl's name. The captain is now on another show that people apparently like, and his accent is "guy who watched too many cowboy movies as a kid."  There is an intergalactic prostitute, and a government experiment, and a preacher, and a Rosie-the-riveter mechanic. I think this is what would happen if you combined every movie ever. It's all very confusing and cheesy and the characters are basically cartoons, and I think I've seen every episode and the movie.

Doctor Who: I can only speak for the new episodes, I haven't seen anything before it was rebooted. The premise is ridiculous. It's space detective who can never die, and while they don't really have a low special effects budget, they want you to think that they do. Most of the problems are caused by a problem that either can't be seen, or could be bought at Fred Meyer. Some of his more iconic nemeses include rolling trash cans, and creatures that turn into statues when anyone looks at them. Other favorites include the episode with robots so small they couldn't be seen, and the various shape shifters, possessed people and monsters that can only be seen by certain people. By the way, he has a screw driver that can do anything and instead of dying, he just turns into a different British guy. New episodes start in August. 

Torchwood: It's an anagram of Doctor Who. Get it?

Olympics

The Olympics are coming up, probably, so this is as good a time as any for some Olympic trivia. If you're like me, you've always wanted to know what the Olympic rings represent, and you're subconsciously biased toward the odd numbered years. Well, I have answers. According to some article, the Olympic rings were debuted at the 1920 Olympic games in Antwerp. The colors represent the six colors, including white, found on all the flags in the world at the time. What about the rings? They represent the five inhabited continents of the world. Take that Australia.

It's a well known fact that there are people who live on the godless wasteland of Australia. So, logically if it doesn't qualify as an inhabited continent, and it is inhabited, it must not be a continent. If Australia is not a continent, it can only qualify as a godless wasteland, which is true. It has not yet been proven scientifically that the devil does not live in Australia. Frankly, I can understand why he would choose to live there. The commute is shorter. I'm not suggesting that the devil has a job in Australia, but the Australians do worship the lord of darkness. Ask any Australian and they will tell you that they worship the devil in all his forms, literary and physical, including but not limited to Voldemort, all depictions of the biblical Satan, Cthulu, and Kanye West. This is not a shot at the Australian people. They live on this pit of despair, and they are a better people for it. But lets not excuse the British for sticking them there. If we knew then what we know now about Australia, the British would have been tried for war crimes for using it as a penal colony. Everything in Australia will kill you, and there are people who have not yet fled in terror.

Everyone would be better off if Australia sank into the ocean. Unfortunately, the opposite is true. Australia is slowly rising from the depths of nothingness from which it came. The best we, as a society can do is ignore it until it finishes its ascent. Scientists are not yet sure why Australia is rising, but most who are well versed in the subject presume it is to wage a holy war on all that is good in nature. Global warming cannot be linked to the heat created by Australia rising from the pits, but it cannot be proven that is not the cause. Naturally there is no way to stop Australia on its path of destruction, the best we can do is wait. Wait, and hope. Wait and hope, and stay out of Australia.

Red Robin

Rumor has it there is going to be another Red Robin in Vancouver. That will make three without crossing the river and, according to the Red Robin website, 14 near Vancouver. I'm not trying to single out Red Robin. There are two Applebee's on consecutive free way exits. The problem isn't necessarily the restaurant. I wouldn't choose to eat at either, but I won't actively avoid them. The problem is that we are coming up on three Red Robins and three Applebee's off the top of my head. We have roughly eight burger chain restaurant locations not counting fast food, and we have zero good Italian restaurants. I'm not even mentioning the Ol*ve Ga*den or the Old Spaghetti Factory, because the burger places are more egregious. There are at least three places with better burgers than Red Robin and Applebee's. Do you know where there is a good Italian restaurant in Vancouver? That's not a hypothetical question. If you know of a place, leave it in the comments. I've been to four* that I can remember. I don't remember the names, but I will rank them from worst to best:

4: The place where I ordered bolognese. I went to this place once and ordered bolognese. For all I know, they have the world's best bolognese and the one time I ordered it, the cook was in a joking mood. Maybe right when I ordered it, he thought "Hey, wouldn't it be hilarious if I gave this guy spaghetti with red sauce and shredded beef soaked in vinegar on top? Don't worry, I'll overcook the spaghetti." That's the best case scenario. Worst case scenario, they're not 100% sure what bolognese means. They heard somewhere that it has something to do with meat, so they just threw some beef on top. Either way, I'm not going to risk it again.

3. The place where I ordered gnocchi. I went to this place once and ordered gnocchi. I will state the positives first. The bread was pretty good. Now the negatives. Actually, I don't really know if it's a negative. I would say this is a good place to go if you want someone to heat up gnocchi for you and put pizza cheese on it. If you're against melted cheese on pasta, don't worry. It wasn't melted. The biggest problem with these gnocchi is that while time consuming, gnocchi are pretty easy to make. And the difference between prepackaged heated up gnocchi and home-made gnocchi is roughly the same as the difference between eating a ham sandwich and being punched in the throat. I would tolerate being in an unhappy relationship longer than I will tolerate eating prepackaged gnocchi. I would marry a woman just because she makes gnocchi. And in our later years, when we realize the only thing we have in common is that she likes to make gnocchi and I like to eat them, and we begin to hate each other bitterly, but we stay together because it's easier than splitting everything up and trying to meet someone new so late in life, I will be happy because I'm not eating store bought gnocchi. I would rather be a suspect in the investigation surrounding my wife's suspicious death than eat store bought gnocchi. I haven't been back to this place.

2. The place where I ordered spaghetti. I ordered spaghetti at this place for a baseline. I wanted to see if it would be as bad as I thought. It was exactly what I was expecting: overcooked pasta and canned sauce. I would call this place the standard.

1. The place where I ordered carbonara. They put cream in their carbonara. I know there are some people who put cream in their carbonara and some who don't. I prefer it without. This was by far the best pasta in Vancouver. It was OK. I've had better.

*I have been tricked into going to Olive Garden once. I prefer not to acknowledge it.

Summer Movie Primer

I've decided that it's a good point in the summer for a summer movie primer. This will be a definitive source of information for you when deciding what movie to go see during the summer. Since we're already part of the way through the summer movie season, there will be some movies that have come out already, and some that have yet to come out. I of course haven't seen the ones that haven't come out yet, but they will mostly be  movies that I'm anticipating. I'll try to start with the movies that have already come out. I doubt they're all still in theaters but you could probably rent them. I've never rented a movie so I'm not sure how that works.

It seems sketchy to me. You're paying five dollars to have a movie for a few days, when a brand new movie is fifteen dollars max. In essence, the options are pay five dollars to have a movie for three days (or however long, again I've never done it) or pay ten more dollars to have it until you die or give it away or do whatever you want with it. I think the person at the counter at every movie renting store should be legally obligated to say "You know that if you just pay a little bit more you get to keep it forever?" If the person still decides to rent it, their name should be put on a list and their vote shouldn't count. I don't want that person voting for the president.

There are a lot of people I don't actually want voting for the president, unfortunately there is no way to effectively keep them from voting. Maybe if their names were on a list, we could just not count their vote, but then the person who monitors that list would have too much power. There could be someone at the polls turning people away, but again too much power. And that doesn't account for mail in voters. So, until people who rent DVDs instead of buying them can take responsibility for their terrible decisions and abstain from voting for the president, there will be no way to keep these scoundrels from making their voices heard. Actually, the presidency is determined by the electoral college, and not the popular vote anyways, so it doesn't really matter. Onto the movies:

Drive: I realize that it came out in 2011, but it was my favorite movie of 2011. If you're a movie renting communist, you can rent this probably. I don't like to oversell movies, so I'll just say that it was my favorite movie of 2011, and it's on track to be my favorite movie of 2012. Also, every time I see a copy of it on DVD for SALE, the impulse in my brain is "they sell Drive, you need to buy Drive."

True Grit: Again, this one didn't come out this year, but it was good. I would say it was better than the original. If you haven't seen it, you should.

The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo: I promise this is the last movie that didn't come out this year. But this one is really good too, if you don't mind graphic rape scenes.

The Hunger Games: I haven't read the books or anything, but it wasn't bad if you don't mind teen love stories.

The Avengers: The Avengers was good, if you don't mind super hero movies. And if you haven't seen the other three (Iron Man, Thor, and Captain America), they're pretty good if you don't mind super hero movies.

Safety Not Guaranteed: I liked this one. It might be out of theaters already. It's good if you like Mark Duplass ventures.

Brave: I liked it. The short wasn't my favorite. My favorite is the one where the old guy plays chess with himself. The word "chess" really saved that sentence. It's good if you like animated movies.

Moonrise Kingdom: Go see Moonrise Kingdom.

That's all the good summer movies I can think of so far. You can officially skip The Lorax. You're welcome. I haven't seen Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter yet. Oh, I'll start the ones I haven't seen yet.

Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter: I haven't seen this yet, but I read the book. The book was weird, and I don't see how they can make a good movie out of it. It's one third biographical, one third vampire hunting, and one third pro union propaganda.

You'll notice I've stopped the Drive related links. I don't want to associate any of these movies I haven't seen with Drive, in case they're not good. 

Wait I forgot a good one. The Amazing Spider-man is good if you like Spider-man movies.

Ted: Go ahead and skip it.

Dark Knight Rises: I'll probably see this one, even though Christian Bale was part of the team that ruined the Terminator franchise.

Terminator: I realize it came out in the 80's but it's great, and I heard that some theater in Portland was just playing it. Go see it, or if you OWN it on DVD you should watch it.

Well, that's all the movies I can think of that come out this summer. If there's one I forgot, leave it in the comments, and I'll tell you whether or not to see it. Have fun watching Drive.

Derek Jeter

Deadspin is a sportsy website and today they had a contest: Can You Write the Dumbest Story Ever about Derek Jeter? (Derek Jeter is a baseball player on the New York Yankees.) This is my submission.

“People always ask me what I do in the offseason. It’s really when I have the most time to hone my craft. Sure, baseball is great, but eventually the body gives out. I need something to do after the Yankees realize my career is over. I’ve always had the looks, and a few years ago I decided I was going to take advantage of them...” Jeter rambled on like this for a while, and I frantically took notes. This was my first big break, an exclusive interview with Derek Jeter. The Captain. One of the greatest Yankees of all time. A surefire hall of famer. I wasn’t going to miss a beat, which is why my attention piqued when Jeter said something I wasn’t expecting: “... and Clooney let me in on the secret. Ocean’s 11? It’s real.” I glanced back through my notes. He couldn’t be talking about George Clooney, could he?

“That was when I decided to take my “hustling” skills to a whole new level. George and Matt have been super helpful. They’re great guys. We started with small cons, always in costume of course. You see, my first love, before baseball, was the stage. I fell in love with her at the age of nine when I was asked to play Juliet in an all male, adult version of Romeo and Juliet...” Jeter rambled on. I couldn’t believe it. If what he’s saying is true, George Clooney is actually a con artist, and the Ocean’s movies are based on true event. And, Derek Jeter may or may not have been sexually assaulted when he was nine. I’m sitting on a gold mine.

“...of course, when Bernie died, it was hard on all of us. That was when George asked me to step in full time. I told him I couldn’t up and retire, the public would know something was up. I didn’t want to be as sloppy as Jordan. So, that was when I decided to start tanking. I thought everyone would understand, I’m getting older, and my skills are eroding. Eventually the Yankees would ask me to retire, and I would go out gracefully. But, here we are, four years later and I’m still playing...” It was almost as if Jeter was talking like I wasn’t in the room. I was writing as fast as I could. This story was going to put my yet to be conceived illegitimate kids through college. That’s right. I’m going to get so much ass from this story, it’s inevitable that I will have at least one, if not a few children out of wedlock, but I will have the financial means to support them. Jeter is tanking on purpose. That alone will get me a book deal. I may have a series on my hand with the Clooney story to boot. But what’s this, Jeter’s stopped talking. He’s looking at me with those dreamboat eyes.

“You got all that kid?” Jeter asked politely.

“Umm... Yes Mr. Jeter.” I replied, keeping my best poker face.

“Now, the Pacquiao fight was my idea, ok. I want that clear in the story. I’ve split off from Clooney and the gang. I’m on my own now. You got that?”

“Yes Mr. Jeter.”

“Please, please, Mr. Jeter is my father’s name. Call me by my first name, Derek, my stage name, Lady Catalina- Mistress of the Night, or by my LARP name, Beldrake The Eternal Dark Lord. Anything but Mr. Jeter. So, do you need me to repeat anything? You got the bit about me and Queen Latifah? Ok, good. Here’s where it gets real.”

With that the lights went out and staring back at me were two glowing red orbs. It couldn’t be. There’s no way. I pinched myself to make sure this was real. The voice that came back from me in the dark was not the voice I had grown accustomed to over the past few hours. It sounded as if it was coming through a children’s toy. It was metallic and lifeless. I realized right then that the biggest obstacle to my inevitable fame from publishing this story was not convincing my editor that it was true, but escaping this interview with my life.

“I was created by a team of scientists. They’ve seen Terminator 2 one too many times, and they wanted to develop a human-like cyborg for when the resistance began. I was the first in a series of prototypes attempting to fine tune the coordination and movement of a human...” Cyborg Jeter rambled on. I couldn’t think about anything but my escape. I had to think fast.

“Is that Mandy Moore?” I screamed and pointed out the window. Jeter’s head spun around 540 degrees as if to make a point and I threw my glass of water at him, temporarily stunning him, and bolted for the door. I made it out and started sprinting for dear life, when I heard an ominous sound. It was the unmistakable sound of plastic cleats on concrete. I looked back to see death chasing me down in the embodied form of Derek Jeter sprinting at top speed, and gaining on me. He was smiling of course. And he was coming up fast. But no matter, I had made it into a crowd. And there was no way Jeter would attempt anything in a crowd. I looked back and Jeter wasn’t looking at me, but at the onlooking fans, who were so distracted by the Captain that they failed to realize he was chasing down a human being. And then I heard the last sound of my professional career. It was the unmistakable twinkle of a Derek Jeter wink. I looked back in enough time to see the crowd of onlookers encouraging Jeter to do whatever he had been miming. With that Jeter front flipped forward at an inhuman rate. His cleats came straight at my head, and the bottom of his shoe clipping the top of my head was the last sight I saw before I blacked out.

I awoke in a hospital bed with a bandage on my head, and thoughts racing through it. Of course Jeter ‘messed up’ the trick. Now I’ve suffered head trauma and nobody would believe me. But, why? Why would he share his story with me? Why would he reveal himself to me? Why would he tell me his LARP name? That’s ridiculous. It must have all been a dream. Derek Jeter isn’t a robot. I must have hit my head some other way. But it all seemed so real.  I was trying to work it all out when the doctor came in.

“You OK son? You took quite a fall. Lucky for everyone that you and Jeter are ok.” said the kindly old doctor.
“What? Jeter’s OK? Did he fall?”

“Oh yeah. I heard he’s on the news right now talking about the incident.” The TV flicked on to reveal the shortstop’s very human face.

“...yeah, he’s an old friend of mine. I heard he’s doing fine, I just want to wish him a speedy recovery. I guess it’s kind of embarrassing but I used to be a big time gymnast back in the day. I used to do this trick where one of my friends would run away from me as fast as they can, as if they had some terrible news and wanted to share it with the world, and I was the only one who could stop them, and I would chase them down with the devil at my back, and once I caught up to them, I would do a frontflip over them, and then come to a sliding halt and we would do patty cake and go watch the Fast and the Furious. Well, my friend and I were seeing if I could still do the trick and, well, you know the rest. I guess I shouldn’t have tried the trick. I haven’t done it in a while and I guess I was a bit... rusty?”

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fame

I don’t need to be rich. I don’t ever want to use all of my stored up clever ideas for cardboard signs, but I don’t need to be fabulously wealthy. Even in my wildest dreams, I’m never in a gold yacht wearing an uncomfortable gold suit eating a bowl full of money. However, I would like to someday be famous. I don’t need to be recognizable. I really am just hoping to one day be famous enough to use it to my advantage.

The rise to fame is charted easily enough. First, some non famous person does something that is enjoyed by the famous and maybe even the non famous. After that, they become wildly popular. The popularity is directly proportional to how great of a thing they’ve done. If they’ve done something incredible, like write a series of books about vampires and werewolves, they’ll become incredibly popular. However, if they’ve only done something average, like make a TV show about the government, they’ll only be averagely popular.

After this, they do something that’s deemed by the public as ‘selling out.’ This is when the popular person starts to advertise a product either on TV, the radio or otherwise. Once this happens, the popular person’s reputation is at the mercy of the people. The consequences can be anywhere from drastic to catastrophic. The public tends not to like the sell out because they seem to be cheap, or soulless, or whorish, or William Shatner. The public, as per usual, could not be any more wrong.

In most cases, the extremely famous are people, with exceptions for YouTube squirrels, capybaras, and professional athletes. Also in most cases, people like things and tend to use them. However, we as the uninformed masses tend to forget that these people like things and use them, so when they start to say that they like things we get upset. William Shatner wants me to use a website to book all of my trips. Who am I to say that William Shatner doesn’t love Priceline more than his first born? Maybe he has it as his home screen, wallpaper, and somehow as his wall paper in his house?

This is precisely why I want to be famous. Because I understand at least one thing about advertising: if you advertise someone’s product, they will reward you for it. I’m sure that William Shatner has never had to pay to use Priceline in his life. When (if) (but really, when) I become at least mildly famous, I will use this facet of my fame until it’s long past worn out. I will sell, pitch, and peddle every product that strikes my fancy.

My fancy is not easily struck, mind you. And since I don’t want to “sell out” after I become famous, I’m going to start now. I’m going to now pitch, in order, every product that I can confidently recommend without fear of a negative response. That way, when I become famous, I will already have a reputation as somewhat of a peddler, and if I become instantly successful, like I imagine I won’t, maybe I will see some instant return.

Ruby Jewel Ice Cream Sandwiches

Ruby Jewel is a brand of Ice Cream Sandwiches. Therefore, they might not be for people who don’t enjoy dairy, or sugar, or the happiness of a child on Christmas Morning. I’m not sure how they are made, but I think one is made every time a virginity is lost. I think the ice cream may be scooped from the clouds, although I can’t confirm that either. If I were to go to the doctor tomorrow and he were to tell me that I had contracted a horrible cancer from all the ice cream sandwiches I had eaten and I only had six months to live, I would laugh at him. Because my doctor is a pessimist, and the pessimist sees my hypothetical disease as a tragic end to a short life. But I am an optimist. And the optimist sees my six months to live as six more months to eat ice cream sandwiches. Ruby Jewel ice cream sandwiches come in seven flavors that I’ve seen. They all have one flavor of cookie and another flavor of ice cream. The cookies are always soft. I can only assume that there is some terrible chemical additive that makes the cookies soft. However, if you were to tell me that this chemical was the blood of those African children who want ten cents a day, I would still eat them. If you were to tell me that I had a choice between soft cookies and a solution to the economic problems of the world, I would gladly take soft cookies. I would eat my ice cream sandwiches and laugh at the news knowing I could have made a difference. I can not be convinced that my love of Ruby Jewel ice cream sandwiches did not kill Kim Jong Il. Fire and water rain down from the sky, there are monkeys who can speak sign language, who’s to say that pure love of an ice cream sandwich can’t bring down a Korean dictator? I would trade my first born for a Ruby Jewel ice cream sandwich. In fact, I wouldn’t even have to think about it. I would trade my first born for the opportunity to overpay for a Ruby Jewel. There is no peace in the middle east because Ruby Jewel is made in Portland, and as far as I know, they don’t ship to the middle east.. There is one flaw to Ruby Jewel. You can only choose one flavor at a time. The correct choice would of course be to choose all the flavors simultaneously. However, I have not yet figured out how to accomplish this. So, no matter which flavor you choose, you have chosen the wrong flavor. If you’re wondering, my personal favorite is either lemon and honey lavender, Double chocolate and mint, cinnamon and espresso, double chocolate and peanut butter, ginger and pumpkin, salted caramel and dark chocolate, or chocolate chip and vanilla. It’s been almost a month since I’ve had a Ruby Jewel ice cream sandwich. Don’t confuse this for tiring of their perfection. I am for gay marriage for one reason. One of the arguments against gay marriage is that once a man can marry a man, that would open the floodgates. If marriage is no longer between a man and a woman, who is to say that a man can’t marry his dog, or a duck. I’m hoping this does happen, and it leads to a dramatic series of events that ends in humans being able to marry other humans, animals, inanimate objects, ideas, and feelings. It is at that point that I will choose my bride: a lemon and honey lavender ruby jewel ice cream sandwich. Our love is so deep that I can go a month without having one. It’s the equivalent of letting my girlfriend hang out with her guy friends (I assume, I’ve never been in this situation.) I know that at the end of the day, the Lemon Honey Lavender Ruby Jewel ice cream sandwich only wants to come home with me.

Oxygen

Oxygen is good. It keeps us alive, and also fire needs oxygen to burn.

Game of Thrones Prop Bets

Tonight is the first episode of the second season of Game of Thrones. If you're a fan of the show and/or a degenerate gambler, seek help. You have a vice that is controlling you and it's most likely costing you the respect of your family, and may leave you destitute and alone. Also, here are some odds for tonight's episode in case you want to make a few extra bucks, or make the show a little more exciting or experience a high that none of your loved ones can replicate:

Number of times someone drops the C-bomb: 1.5

Over/Under: Minute mark the first C-bomb is dropped: 20:00

Over/Under: Number of people killed on screen: 3.5

Number of people found dead: 1.5

First character killed: 

Brann Stark: 4/1

Robb Stark: 3.5/1

Goffrey Lannister: 10/1

Tywin Lannister 4/1

Jamie Lannister 3/2

Shaggy Dog 20/1

Jon Snow 3/2

Over/Under Characters introduced by name 4.5

First Character to Appear Naked


Daenerys Targaryen 1/1

Cersei Lannister 3/2

Tyrion Lannister 6/1

Brann Stark 20/1

Ned Stark 100/1

Number of Sex Scenes 3.5


Number of Whitewalkers 0.5


Number of people killed by a dragon 0.5

Red Flag?

So, i got this email from a coworker last week. I think he sent it to me by accident. I debated for a while whether or not to tell anybody about this but I think it’s better for everyone if I do. For the privacy of the coworker involved, I've redacted his name.

Dear Mom,

I know that you told me never to talk to you again unless it was to tell you that I'd finally met a woman who doesn't ignore me and doesn't have a drinking problem and isn't older than you and doesn't walk with a limp and isn't you and isn't married to my boss, and I bet you never thought you'd hear from me again. Well, I found her; the girl of my dreams. First of all, she's stunning. She doesn't have ugly hair, and she doesn't have the crazy eyes and she doesn't look crazy like you know who. She's also smarter than you know who. She has a photographic memory, and she doesn't look at me like I'm crazy whenever I tell a joke. She's never questioned my eating habits, and she's never told me I shouldn't smoke. I really think she's the one. She has the most beautiful name, I think she's Asian. The best part is that she sits right next to my desk. We never talk, because I don't want the white one and the racist one to get jealous, but I really think she gets me.

And Mom, I really love her. I am excited to go to work, not just because it's such a great place and everybody likes me, but because I know that I get to be next to her for eight hours a day. I've invited her to lunch but I don't think she wants to attract too much attention to “us.” The only reason I haven't yet publicly declared my love for her is that I'm afraid of the rejection. After the Christmas party this year, I didn't think I could feel any worse. The love of my life had rejected me. But then, last week, my heart was reconstructed from the shards it had been in. It was reconstructed by her beauty. I love her so much that I'm starting to question all those romantic movies I've seen. Their love will never scratch the surface of ours. A thousand Shakespeares in a thousand rooms with a thousand type writers couldn't come close to describing my love for her. The only reason I would hesitate to lay down my life for her is that it would mean an eternity spent without her, since she'll probably go to Buddhist heaven. But, I would survive without her knowing that I gave everything up for her.

I think I'm going to marry her. I will tell her that I can't afford a ring, but what I can provide is my undying love. I will do everything I can to make sure that we have a house to live in and food on the table. And who knows? Maybe someday down the line, maybe I could give you some grand kids that you don't regret for being Mormon and therefore alien. The only problem would be the family name. I know you want to keep it going, but I love her too much. She has two sisters that work in the other building, but I don't think she has any brothers. So if she makes me the happiest man in the world, and takes my name, hers might die. Would it be OK with you if I took her last name? I think it would sound good either way, but really it would be up to her, the hopefully future Ms. Konica K*nney. Anyways, let me know what you think, and if I have your blessing.

Sincerely,

P*ul K*nney

Work Administrative Staff

Work Headquarters     

2715 E Mill Plain Blvd

Vancouver, WA 98661

p: 360-693-5675

f: 360-693-4858

e: paulk@work.org

Big Cereal

Peanut Butter Cheerios exist, and the American people need to recognize them for what they are. I've never had them myself, but I imagine the sentence 'I don't like Peanut Butter Cheerios...' ends with 'but I would kill a man on the spot if he ever questioned my loyalty to his lordship, the Great Gazoo.' I don't want to meet that man. However great Peanut Butter Cheerios may be, they are still a most likely delicious canary in a coal mine of deceit. They are one of the many new cereal flavors to pop up in recent months, and while the average sugar cereal eater may be overjoyed at the trend, they should be afraid for the future of the industry.

Because honestly, what took so long? Honey nut Cheerios, the last advance in Cheerios as a whole, debuted in 1979. So why did it take so long for a company that's paid to come up with flavors of cereal to think of peanut butter? Peanut butter is used to get dogs to do a variety of things legal or illegal. You can't dip a pill in honey and nuts to get a dog to eat it. Don't kid yourselves, dogs aren't stupid. They know when there's an intruder, or when the freezer is making ice. They know there's a pill in the peanut butter, and they eat it anyways because they can't get the lid off themselves. So why didn't they think of it sooner? They did. 

If you don't think that General Mills thought of peanut butter cheerios long ago, you're most likely unfamiliar with the game of tennis. Not to be confused with the British lawn game, tennis is a game played between two friends who don't want to wear white shorts. A pair of friends or associates or what have you are given a topic, such as 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Then each participant names a player from the 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers until one of them cannot think of a player. The trick to the game, as you might guess, is to go from popular to obscure. You may know that Danny Reece was on the team, but your friend probably doesn't. So you go through your Dan Ryczeks, your Essex Johnsons, your more popular players, first and then you bring out your ace in the hole. Your Danny Reece. Peanut Butter Cheerios is General Mills's Danny Reece. They've gone through Dan 'Frosted Cheerios' Ryczek, they've gone through Essex 'Apple Cinnamon Cheerios' Johnson, and now they're onto Danny Reece. 

In fact, Big Cereal companies everywhere are onto they're respective Danny Reeces. Frosted Toast Crunch, Peanut Butter Cheerios, and Cinnamon Chex have all popped up in the last few years with Peanut Butter Cheerios being the most recent and most glaring. Cereal companies everywhere are throwing hay-makers. They're playing tennis and they're naming the kicker, the long snapper and the towel boy. But why? Who is this foe, and how does he know so much about the 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers? He doesn't. He's fighting dirty.

The attack on Big Cereal has been malicious and it has been thorough. Most people probably haven't even noticed. A commercial about the dangers of High Fructose Corn Syrup may not seem like a malicious attack at all. If you're loyal to the Great Gazoo, it might seem like someone is looking out for your best interest. High Fructose Corn Syrup is no more dangerous to the human body than anything else we eat. So why is it being assaulted? Well, the anti-HFCS commercials are in fact by a well known Communist faction that, that shall remain nameless. But, as communists, they are of course poor. So where is the money really coming from?

Who is Big Cereal's biggest threat? Occam's razor tells us that the simplest answer is often the best. I would not describe myself as a 'breakfaster' so let me ask you. What do you want for breakfast? Fruit? The fruit industry would be nothing without cereal. People wouldn't even eat fruit if it weren't for cereal. Cereal commercials often feature fruit, and when they don't, it's a commercial for a fruit flavored cereal. Nice try. Yogurt? 85% of yogurt is made by Kellogg. Get your facts straight. Pop-Tarts? Really. The same Pop-tarts that are made by Kellogg? I'm surprised you stopped breathing out of your mouth long enough to even suggest that, mouth breather. Cold Pizza? I'm sorry, this isn't the X-games.

Who said Eggs? Oh right, that was me. Big Cereal and the Chicken Farmers have been at war for centuries. And it only got worse when Corn Flakes picked that ridiculous chicken mascot that can only be taken as a direct slap in the face to chickens everywhere. They might as well be the Cleveland Indians. The egocentricity of the Chicken Farmer is rivaled only by his ability to farm chickens. And they're hatred of Big Cereal finally came to a head when they funded those vicious attack ads against HFCS.

The Chicken Farmer isn't even creative. They knew they had to bring down cereal and their only solution was to use something that had already been used against them; the health ad. The american public eats it up every time. Of course, now we know cholesterol doesn't exist, but it almost brought down the egg industry as a whole. We would have all been eating egg-free foods for the rest of our lives, if it weren't for cereal. With the famous 'Honey Nut Cheerios lowers cholesterol' ads, Big Cereal saved its enemy. Because much like Sherlock and Moriarty, Big Cereal knows that one cannot exist without the other. But the Chicken Farmer's ego cannot be quenched. It wanted to push Big Cereal off the ledge.

Because with cereal out of the way, there's more corn for the chickens, and less competition at the breakfast table. And we all know, Chicken Farmers don't play second fiddle, they play first. So the cereal companies are doing the only thing they can. They're bringing out the big guns. Peanut Butter Cheerios exist, and now it's up to the American people to make the choice. You can eat eggs for breakfast, and do as the Great Gazoo bids. But if you refuse to eat cereal because of the communist propaganda on TV, you're giving into terrorism. Fight Communism. Fight Terrorism. Eat Cereal. 

Dear CARA:

On Friday night I went and saw Haywire, and afterwards, I couldn't get home fast enough. According to the internet, CARA is responsible for movie ratings. I can't find any way to contact them on their website, so an open letter seemed like the next best option. 

Dear CARA: 

Firstly, let me say that your website is awful. It makes it very difficult for anyone to contact you which is frustrating to people like me who are looking to heap praise on you. I went and saw Haywire on Friday, and as you may well know, it was rated R for "some violence." I assume this was done tongue in cheek. I found the amount of violence in Haywire to be nauseating to say the least. However, don't think for a second that I am unhappy with your rating. I can't begin to tell you how happy I am that someone finally stood up to the big bad movie makers who always want to expose our children to all that punching, and kicking, and elbowing. Movie makers need to know that they can't just make whatever slaughter fest they want. They need to be taught a lesson.

While I agree with your rating of Haywire, I feel you have more than missed the mark on some others. The following is a list of movies and or TV shows and or people that I think should be R rated, and the reasons:

Red: Karl Urban says fuck at the end, so it has as many fucks as Haywire, yet it's rated PG-13. Also, I realize and agree that this letter should be rated R since I've now said fuck three times. 

Spider-man: Kirsten Dunst and Spider-man share a kiss that rivals the only kiss in Haywire on it's length and overall vulgarity, yet Spider-man is inexplicably rated PG-13. 

Violence in movies has gone unchecked for far too long, and I for one am glad someone is finally taking a stand. But the job is nowhere near done. There are too many violent movies that should be rated R to list individually, so I'm going to list them all in a group. Here goes: The aforementioned Spider-man and Red, Tintin, the star wars saga, all the Lord of the Rings movies, the original Power Rangers Movie, the Power Rangers TV series, all of the Terminator movies, all of the Bourne movies, all of the X-men movies, the NFL, MMA, the family guy fights between Peter and the chicken, the preview for Ghost rider 2, G.I. Joe, all the transformer movies, rap videos (I assume, I try to avoid them), any movie starring Will Smith, any Bill Murray movie except for Groundhog day, Chris Brown as a person, that game between the Pacers and the Pistons like 8 years ago that got all those players suspended, boxing, High School, all of the Indiana Jones movies, the episode of The League with the self defense class, rugby, cartoons mostly, every Mario game ever, Up (for gore), the WWE (WWE Superstar Edge in particular), martial arts in general, High School Wrestling, Middle School Wrestling (we have to stop pretending it doesn't exist and start addressing the problem), The Pacifier, any movie starring or featuring Vin Diesel, G.I. Joe the cartoon, and finally, Dwayne Johnson's collective works. 

I'm sure that I am missing some, but I think I got most of the main offenders. Thank you again for protecting all audiences under seventeen from the bloodbath that is Haywire, and if you would like my help in rating movies, feel free to contact me. 

Sincerely,

@zackburton