Saturday

I managed to get out of bed and make it to the bank before it closed. As of that moment, I was independently wealthy. Now my shitty apartment is artsy and I can eat cereal for dinner because it's ironic, and not because I can't afford anything else. 

Since I've never been independently wealthy before I didn't know what to do. So I went to a nicer bar than the one last night. We're all spinning on a rock going around a giant fireball, might as well drink the time away. 

The nicer bar had nicer scenery. I could actually see myself getting rejected in this place. But the bartender was paid to be nice to me so she had to ask what I wanted and call me sweetie. I said what do people normally drink here at 3 in the afternoon and she made me something that tasted sugary and expensive. Just what I wanted. 

I started looking around for maybe a crying girl, or a group of girls with a self conscious friend but no luck. I did see a guy in a suit though. He made eye contact, and I could feel it in my chest. It was like when something went down the wrong pipe. 

He motioned for me to come over and I pretended he was looking at someone else. By the time I had faced straight ahead he was walking over to sit next to me. 

"Hey there buddy. I'm sorry to bother you but I've got a question. And it's going to sound odd."

"No go right ahead." I'll answer any question when the person asking leans forward and shows off a gun underneath their jacket. I'm not afraid of getting shot in the middle of the day in a bar, I just think that's a pretty good power move. I mean I don't know why he's threatening me. 

"Where do you work?"

Oh shit, that's all? "I actually can't remember the name of it. Cheers, by the way.  They uh"

"They'll do anything."

"Yep. That's the place."

"Good, good. I'd heard rumors about the place. Just wanted to make sure it was true. Hey let me get your next round."

He signaled to the bartender, finished his drink and walked out. Another power play. This guy's full of them. I finished my drink and before I could decide what to get for the second one, a girl came and sat next to me. I was shocked too. 

There was something off about her though. She looked like she could've been related to the bartender, but that wasn't it. She looked like she'd been made to look like someone else. 

"You're going to want an old fashioned."

"And why's that?"

"Because that's what guys are usually drinking when they get me to go home with them."

Ok. In retrospect, I should have picked up on a few things. Who says that? What's an old fashioned? And who's trying to go home with someone at 5:00? But blood flow to my brain was a little light, so my response was:

"Afternoon?"

I don't think she worried if I was single after that. I have no idea how old she was. She could have been 22 or 35. But she touched my arm and ordered two old fashioneds so she was however old she wanted to be. 

I truly believe the human race could never die out. Men are too dumb to let it. She called us a taxi after we finished our 4th drinks. I think she paid. She hugged the bartender and I felt a surprising pang of jealousy. The cab pulled up and we piled in. The driver turned to ask where we were going but he stopped mid sentence. 

It was a blur, but he started yelling at the girl to get out. She acted confused, but she wasn't as convincing as me. Then the driver started yelling in a different language. She conceded and I must have nodded off. The driver woke me up outside of my apartment. He didn't take any payment but I was too asleep to notice. I passed out near my couch. 

Day 5

I was shaking when I got into work today. I'm pretty sure these guys just did something real bad. For the mayor. I mean this is a shithole of a town but a mayor is a mayor right? They had guns. I think I'm going to go get my bus ticket at lunch today. 

"Hey. On time today."

I couldn't even look at him. Was that blood on his shoe? Or was I imagining things?

"Umm... Yes sir..."

"Sir? Hey look. We think you're doing a heck of a job here, considering the circumstances. And we would like to bump your salary."

He slid a piece of paper toward me like he'd seen it in a movie. I didn't know I was salary. I would've taken longer lunches. Jesus P. Christ that was a big number. 

"Umm. Thanks."

"Just a token of our appreciation."

For the rest of the day I was adding up paychecks and buying things in my head. I could get a house. A car. Hell, I could get a couple of cars. 

After work I went to the bar next to the bus station. The girl that sold me my ticket wasn't there. 

I decided to celebrate my Friday by drinking what I figured to be 1/100th of a pay check. I stumbled home, threw up and passed out in my bed. Luckily, in that order. 

Day 4

I came into work today not as hungover as I could have been. Quinn looked like he was going to puke. But it wasn't going to be a hangover puke. One of the most useful things you learn in college is the difference between alcohol sick and nerves sick. This was nerves sick. 

"Hey man, why don't you take today off? You've earned it."

Well it has been a rough three days. What with being there only 15 minutes late every time, and 

"But who'll answer the phones?"

Eric came back from the room with a bulletproof best on. 

"Jesus ok I'll go. What the hell's all this about?"

"We've been, um, contacted, by someone we wouldn't normally deal with. But he's going to pay our bills for a year."

"Eric said he can handle it if things get ugly. But I mean that's what he said ver-fucking-batim. Who says that? Do this and I'll pay your bills for a year?!"

"Look we'll be fine, don't worry about us. Just go watch a movie or something. I'm sure you could pay $8 to go see some robots fight?"

Jesus Christ. What could this guy want? 

"You sure you guys don't want me to like wait outside and call the cops if shots are fired?"

Quinn wanted to nod. 

"Oh grow a pair. We'll be fine. Here."

Eric pulled a hundred out of his wallet without thinking about it. 

"There's got to be hookers in this town. And I'm sure $50'll get you a hug and a handshake. And you can take her to dinner. Off you go."

Eric practically shoved me out the door. I think Quinn wanted to come. I made it a couple blocks before I started to feel sick. This was the best job I've ever had. I can't let these assholes die without at least saying I helped. I turned around and when I got close enough to see it was the mayor's car followed by two policemen that showed up. 

What can the mayor need done that he can't have anyone else do? 

I took my $100 to the bus station and told her I'm going to need a ticket out of town but I don't know when. She said she'd hold on to it for me in a safe. I'd just have to come in and say my name. I told her it's either that or she and I go see a movie. She said her boyfriend might something. I started walking away after boy. 

Day 3

I went to work today and both of my bosses were sitting on my desk. I started thinking of where else I could work. They said there wasn't anything happening today. Seriously, they said that. If you told me a McDonalds manager started the day off by saying "Welp I don't think anybody wants a cheeseburger today" I'd call you a liar, sure, but a weirdly specific liar. 

Then they asked me a question no other boss has: want to get tanked? 

After that I thought there's no way they can fire me for asking this, and I don't really care if they kill me. So I asked: just what the hell kind of place is this? 

Quinn kind of laughed and Eric went into the back. "We had the idea a couple years ago. We're both men of diverse skill sets."

This was it. Eric went to get a gun. I'm dead.

"So we thought, what if we started a business that would do literally anything?"

I wonder if my mom will sell my stuff or just give it away. 

"I was a tax attorney and Eric's real handy."

Oh so he's going to strangle me. 

"We thought what the heck so we opened it up."

Eric came back in the room with a cooler. My life was spared, and I was tossed a beer. They said they have a pretty select group of clientele. That's why they don't answer the phones unless it's good. People are always calling because they want petty favors. Rides, help moving, stuff like that. Apparently it was their bread and butter in the beginning but they're over it now. I guess they have a kid they subcontract out for some of the real small stuff. Babysitting and whatnot. 

We drank from early in the morning until somebody walked in. Eric was the most coherent, I assume through practice. He coherently told them how to make an appointment, where this man could go and what he could kiss. 

They may have diverse skill sets but it doesn't sound like customer service is a strong suit. 

Day two

So I'm here to say that I officially have no idea what these guys do. I showed up today (8:09 thank you very much) and there was a suit waiting for me on my desk. 

They asked me if I knew my measurements and I had a good laugh. My last suit was purchased at a baby gap. I think my measurements have changed slightly since then. 

Boss one, the one who hired me, is named Eric. He's kind of boring but I think my sister would take a run at him. She's past the bad boy stage and now she just wants to meet a nice guy who will take care of her and whatever else. Eric stands like he was in the military for a little too long and he liked it a little too much. 

Boss two is Quinn. He's the one I'm going to get drunk enough to tell me what kind of a business this is. He's the talker. He's the kind of guy that wouldn't call my sister afterwards. Actually I think he would be surprised if she was there the next morning. 

I'm telling you their names because apparently there's a boss three. Eric told me to put the suit on and I told him I felt like the prettiest girl at the ball. It's not like they're going to fire me second day. So I put the suit on and he says there would be a guy coming in and I was to follow his every command. That I would be his secretary. They even gave me a plant for my desk. 

I thought that was all fine and good until the guy showed up. He's my age and he looks like he's wearing his dad's suit. I suppose that's a good outfit for him because the woman who came in with him could only have been his mom. 

I was real professional. His name was Chris but he preferred I call him Mr. Snowy. He said we were a law firm and there's no way they didn't see the change in my face from "kiss this guy's ass" to "oh good to know."

He was just coming by the office to check on things before their lunch date. I don't know how many lawyers go on lunch dates with their mothers and own law firms (another surprise to me) but I'm guessing the middle of that Venn diagram is very thin. 

He was kind of a shit to me but I was happy to see that he was a real shit to Quinn. He's one of our brightest young talents with only a few flaws. I followed Chris and mrs Chris around for the very informative tour. It turns out before Quinn got here he solved a very high profile case that got his cousin out of a murder charge. Something to do with tires. Also Quinn may or may not have a drug problem. 

Eric wasn't here, I assume because he'd taken enough shit in his life. Thank god they didn't come back after lunch. The rest of the day me and Quinn played hacky sack by my desk and dared people to come in. 

New Job!

Hey, I know I haven't posted on here in a while, but it's for a good reason. I got a new job, so I've been super busy with the transition. It's a job that I didn't really know existed so it's a lot to learn. Actually the reason I am writing this is because it's all kind of weird. Like, I've never really been in a situation like this, and everybody I work with is weird, so I don't really have anyone to talk to. So really, I guess I'm just here to vent?

Even the way I got the job was weird. Like, I was standing in line at a Starbucks at 3 in the afternoon, which is the perfect time to go to a Starbucks if you have nothing else to do. You'll be out barista-ed 2-1 easily. Anyways, the guy behind me asked if I was unemployed, and I said no I'm a spy, (unemployed people and international spies are the only people in Starbucks at 3 PM.) And he said do you want a job, and I said does anybody really want a job?

He didn't really laugh, so I was in the process of kissing that job good bye when he asked me the weirdest interview question I've ever been asked. He asked me, and I quote "Can you do anything?"

I started listing my skills.
"I'm pretty good at Mario. I can make some kinds of pasta. Um... I can skin a buck. I can run a"
He cut me off before I could be embarrassed at how short the list was.

"No, I mean can you do most things."

I don't know, I mean there's a lot of things, I told him. I can't like fly an airplane or commit to a relationship, but I don't think I'm the dumbest person ever.

"We just need someone who can do most things. We'll compensate you adequately. This address tomorrow at 8? Of course. You'll be great."

Getting up early isn't really one of the things I do well, but I have been running out of beer money so I agreed. I was only 15 minutes late my first day. A new record. I showed up and I swear to you, whoever's reading this, that it was an empty office with a desk in the front. And a computer on the desk. The guy who I guess hired me and another guy were just standing there by the desk.

"You're late." The guy who hired me seemed like an asshole at the Starbucks, and apparently one of my skills is judging people based on their first impression.

I apologized and complained about traffic or whatever, and they didn't really buy it. Next time I'm going to leave off the whatever. They told me this would be my desk, and they would have a room in the back. I am to let nobody through to the back. That's very key apparently. If they're looking for walk in customers, one of them will be out with me. I am also to take email requests and forward the good ones. They said I would know what the good ones were. Also, I am to listen to voice mails at the end of the day. The phone was apparently set up by a living breathing saint. It does not ring. If you call their number (I assume they advertise) it's I guess just a complicated labyrinth of voice mail number pressings (for x, press 1, for y press 2) that's designed to end in a voice mail left. However, if line 2 ever rings, I am to pick up the phone, say nothing, and come get one of them. Oh, and if a walk in comes in, I am to look as disinterested as possible. My goal is that the walk in walks out.

And those are all my instructions. But it's $20 an hour. I asked if they would hire my friend and they said they only needed one person and it would be me.

I didn't sign any paper work. I don't think these guys have ever hired anyone before. We started negotiating at $12 an hour and got up to 20.

So I started right away, and after 45 minutes of sitting alone on the computer, some lady comes into the office in a desperate heap. She needs to find her daughter.

My first two thoughts are "I'll find your daughter if she's single and between 22 and 29" and "Wait shit do these guys expect me to just turn her away? Her daughter is missing. Also, is that what these guys do? Find missing people?" And there must be hidden cameras somewhere, because I got an email as she was talking.

"Send her away. Requests must be in writing."

So I put on my best asshole pants, and I went to work.

"Just how exactly do you lose a daughter?"
The lady was indignant. She demanded to see a boss. I was on the right track.
"Well, they're out to, what time is it? Noon? They're out to dinner. But if your daughter gets her looks from her dad, or maybe you have a more attractive sister, I'll help you find her."

Yeah, so that was the first time I've intentionally made a woman cry, and the first time I've gotten paid, and then even rewarded to do so. I'll keep you updated. I think I'm going to be on the internet a lot.

To the graduating class of 2014

People will often tell you to follow your dreams. Well I'm here to tell you those people are wrong. 

For example last night I had a dream that I was taking a class. It was some kind of poli-sci class and we were studying a fictional world. Fictional in real life, but it existed in the dream. This fictional world was very poor, but they produced Ice Dragons, which are of course very valuable. But that's all they produce. So they're trading Ice Dragons for food and water. The problem was that they had recently entered into an agreement to only sell Ice Dragons to one other world. So when a former customer came looking for Ice Dragons, they were sorely disappointed. So disappointed in fact that they were going to attack. 

Our class project was to better organize the Ice Dragon planet's resources to defend against the coming attack. (I feel like I used our allotted resources very well if you must know.) 

And while the teacher was explaining this, the people around me were talking and laughing. And they eventually started sticking acupuncture needles into one person's thigh. 

I woke up before I could finish the project but if you want to know how the Ice Dragon situation resolved itself, they used a dragon to defend against the attack and survived. 

The point is you probably shouldn't be taking advice from me anyways. I mean look at me. 

NFL Mock Draft sponsored by Budweiser Apple Google and Buffalo Wild Wings. And Nike.

If this post is ever referred to in the future, I hope it will be described as "nothing but an attempt to get page views, hence the title." It's NFL Mock Draft season, which, according to the Mayans, goes until just after the NFL Draft for some reason. Now, I know that there is probably one person reading this, and he only kind of watches football, I think. So, I will write an NFL Mock Draft but it will be for the people who are only casual fans of the NFL at best and therefore don't really know or care about the NFL Draft. Here we go:

1. Houston- Jadeveon Clowney. The Guy in that Youtube video I showed you that one time. South Carolina. Houston randomly had a really bad year after a really good year and got the first pick. And they got an offensive coach so he'll probably spend a high pick on a defensive player. Plus Clowney is the best player, and it's a fun name to say. Clowney.

2. St. Louis- Greg Robinson. Offensive Lineman. Auburn. The Rams need somebody to protect whatever crappy quarterback they're going to play this year. And they have another pick in the first round because the owner of the Redskins is dumb. They need an Offensive Lineman and Greg Robinson is sure as heck one of the ones who is supposed to go pretty early.

3. Jacksonville- John Manziel. Footballing Quarterback. Texas A and M. Gus Bradley comes from the Pete Carroll coaching tree, and is attempting (I assume, I mean why not) to establish a similar identity. Two of the most important positions on Seattle's team are the Short Quarterback (Russell Wilson) and the Troll (Richard Sherman) and Jacksonville is able to fill those two needs with this pick.

4. Cleveland- Khalil Mack. Linebacker. Buffalo. Full disclosure I forgot who had the 4th pick, so I might not even finish this. I'm already losing steam. And I don't even know much about Khalil Mack, just that everybody says he's good. I'm just sending him to cleveland because he can handle being on a bad team (Buffalo) and it wouldn't be surprising if he was a bust, and cleveland loves busts.

5. Oakland? Yeah. It's Oakland. Mike Evans- WR Texas A and M, yes the same one. Oakland just paid a new quarterback who is very good at throwing interceptions, so why not get a really big receiver who could turn some of those interceptions into receptions? (It's sound strategy, just trust me.

6. Atlanta- I had to look this one up too. I don't know how people do this. Whichever Matthews. Texas A and M again. There are two Matthews brothers and one of them is already in the NFL but this one's his brother. They need someone to protect Matt Ryan so he can throw it to Julio Jones ASSUMING HE DOESN'T GET HURT THE DAY AFTER I TRADE FOR HIM IN FANTASY FOOTBALL.

7. Tampa Bay- Sammie Watkins. Wide Receiver. Clemson. I guess he's good. I don't really know that much about him or what Tampa Bay needs, so this pick fits.

8. Minnesota- Eric Ebron. Tight End. North Carolina. I don't really know if Minnesota needs a tight end, but I do know that Seattle will need one in a few years, so this pick makes sense.

9. Buffalo- Taylor Lewan. Offensive Lineman. Michigan. Full disclosure, I'm going to forget about a really good player, and then around pick 20 something be like dang it, but I won't want to go back and change anything. But you won't notice, so it's fine.

10. Detroit- Justin Gilbert. Cornerback. I straight up took this pick off the mock draft I'm looking at to keep track of who picks where. I don't even know why I'm doing this anymore.

11. Tennessee- Teddy Bridgewater. Quarterback. Some say he's the best quarterback in the draft. Some don't like him because they hear good things about him but then they see he's black, so they find ways to disparage him because they don't want to confront their own racist tendencies. Plus Jake Locker's not getting any better.

12. Giants- Anthony Barr. Pass Rusher. UCLA. Do you really care about the Giants?

13. The Rams again. Ha Ha Clinton-Dix. The rams need a safety and yes I swear that's his name. Isn't it the best?

14. Chicago- Aaron Donald. DT. Pitt? I follow a guy who likes the bears and this is who he wants them to take. This one's for you, guy.

15. Pittsburgh- Louis Nix III DT Notre Dame. I want to say Pittsburgh needs a nose tackle and whenever Pittsburgh or Baltimore have a weirdly bad year they draft a defensive player or Ben Roethlisberger and everything is fine.

16. Dallas Cowboys- Derek Carr. Quarterback. Fresno State. This will never happen but wouldn't it be amazing? (You see, the cowboys have a good quarterback but the fans hate him. And this would be a really stupid move of them that might appease some fans but alienate others.)

17. Baltimore- Darqueze Dennard. Cornerback. Michigan State. Do you really care about the descriptions anymore?

18. NY Jets- Timmy Jernigan. DT. Florida State. I like Rex Ryan and I want to give him a good player and he seems to like defensive players.

19. Miami- Odell Beckham Jr. I assume Miami needs receivers. It is Miami after all. (I'm hoping that comes off as a vague drugs joke.

20. Arizona- CJ Mosely Line Backer Roll Tide. Arizona has a good defense but they want a better one and CJ Mosely is good. Do I have to keep validating my very weird very specific opinion on what could happen in an extreme long shot?

21. Green Bay. Calvin Pryor. Safety. Louisville. At this point, I really just want to get to Seattle.

22. Philadelphia- Brandin Cooks. WR. Oregon State. They need a new fast receiver because they cut their old one.

23. Kansas City. I feel like I'm forgetting somebody really good. Oh. Justin Gilbert. Uhh, they'll pick Justin Gilbert because they play in the same division as Denver, and you can never have too many corners against Peyton Manning next year and then Brock Osweiler every year after that. (Editor's note: I in fact did not forget Justin Gilbert. So... Joel Bitonio?)

24. Cinncinnati- Kelvin Benjamin. WR. Florida St. They already have a big WR, but when Andy Dalton is your quarterback, you can never have too many. That was a sick andy dalton burn.

25. San Diego- Zack Martin. Notre Dame. I don't know what position he plays but on the Mock Draft I'm using to keep track of who picks where, he went a while ago and I forgot about him.

26. Cleveland. Bradley Roby. Again, I think this has high bust potential.

27. New Orleans Saints. Dee Ford. DE Auburn. He's really good and they need him probably or whatever I hate this now I might not even post it.

28. Carolina- Davante Adams. Dangit I wanted him to go to Seattle. But haha the panthers don't have any receivers. Haha panthers haha.

29. New England Patriots- Jace Amaro- All of their good tight ends are currently on trial for murder or Rob Gronkowski, so here's hoping this Jace kid can really catch the ol rock, eh?

30. I just remembered the reason I wanted to do this is because I wanted to describe one player as "he fancies himself the prettiest girl at the ball."

30. San Francisco- Kony Ealy- Defensive End- Missouri- When was the last time taking a DE from Missouri didn't work out for San Francisco?

31. Denver- Kyle Fuller- Cornerback Virginia Tech. He fancies himself the prettiest girl at the ball. Plus somebody's got to cover all them receivers in practice am I right?

32. Seattle- I realize now this was a pointless exercise. I'm sorry for wasting your time and mine. And I just realized who I forgot. I'm not giving him to seattle, I'm going to pick one more for houston and then stop. Seattle takes Demarcus Lawrence. DE Boise State.

33. Houston- Blake Bortles- Quarterback- Houston. WOWOWOWOWOW what luck for Houston! They get the best player in the draft and then arguably a top 5 quarterback in Big Bad Blake Bortles? In the second round? Look out AFC South.

Cleveland Browns Head Coaching Position. Updated!

1/22/14
Update: The Browns responded.

"Hello Mr. Pruitt:

Thank you for your feedback. It has been noted and submitted to upper management for their weekly meetings.

Fan Squad"

So I'm expecting an email to set up an interview any day now. 

1/21/14
I just applied for the Cleveland Browns head coaching position. Here's the letter that I sent them. (I had to put it in the questions/comments box of the Fan Feedback section.) I'll keep you updated if they respond.

To whom it may concern:

The Cleveland Browns are still without a Head Coach and the news is bleak. The Denver Broncos offensive coordinator has pulled his name out of contention and you are allegedly interviewing Dirk Koetter. Since past success apparently is not a requirement for coaching candidates, I would like to officially submit my name to be considered for the Head Coaching position.

While I may not have any past experience coaching in the NFL, or College, or High School for that matter, I do play a lot of Madden. Granted I haven't played a lot of the newer games, but I did play a lot of Madden 2010. And I could turn around teams within 4 or 5 years. My lack of experience may be a detractor, but I do have several qualities that could help turn the Browns around.

I would allow autonomy for my coordinators. I feel like this would attract coordinators, and cover up for my very real lack of knowledge about defense. I am very good at Madden, but only at offense. So, I would have almost no control over the defense or special teams.

I would concentrate most of my efforts on offense. I have read several of Chris Brown's (not that one, the one that writes about football) articles. I feel like I have a fairly good grasp of offensive concepts. And that's why play calling would be one of my two main responsibilities, not including general overseeing.

My other responsibility would be roster construction. When I found my success in Madden, I always had a very low salary cap figure. I believe with a solid team of scouts, I could do the same thing in the NFL. Plus, if given full control over the roster, I would essentially take the role of GM, saving even more money for the franchise.

I wouldn't even ask for a high salary. I would want a Browns hat, that part is non-negotiable. And it would have to be either 7 7/8 or an 8 so be prepared.

Thank you for your time, and I anticipate your positive answer shortly.

P.S.

I do have a prior responsibility that occupies my time until June. I would be able to make all of the draft picks for the draft, and make trades, but I would have to do it from my house. I would be able to move to Cleveland in June or July.