If this post is ever referred to in the future, I hope it will be described as "nothing but an attempt to get page views, hence the title." It's NFL Mock Draft season, which, according to the Mayans, goes until just after the NFL Draft for some reason. Now, I know that there is probably one person reading this, and he only kind of watches football, I think. So, I will write an NFL Mock Draft but it will be for the people who are only casual fans of the NFL at best and therefore don't really know or care about the NFL Draft. Here we go:
1. Houston- Jadeveon Clowney. The Guy in that Youtube video I showed you that one time. South Carolina. Houston randomly had a really bad year after a really good year and got the first pick. And they got an offensive coach so he'll probably spend a high pick on a defensive player. Plus Clowney is the best player, and it's a fun name to say. Clowney.
2. St. Louis- Greg Robinson. Offensive Lineman. Auburn. The Rams need somebody to protect whatever crappy quarterback they're going to play this year. And they have another pick in the first round because the owner of the Redskins is dumb. They need an Offensive Lineman and Greg Robinson is sure as heck one of the ones who is supposed to go pretty early.
3. Jacksonville- John Manziel. Footballing Quarterback. Texas A and M. Gus Bradley comes from the Pete Carroll coaching tree, and is attempting (I assume, I mean why not) to establish a similar identity. Two of the most important positions on Seattle's team are the Short Quarterback (Russell Wilson) and the Troll (Richard Sherman) and Jacksonville is able to fill those two needs with this pick.
4. Cleveland- Khalil Mack. Linebacker. Buffalo. Full disclosure I forgot who had the 4th pick, so I might not even finish this. I'm already losing steam. And I don't even know much about Khalil Mack, just that everybody says he's good. I'm just sending him to cleveland because he can handle being on a bad team (Buffalo) and it wouldn't be surprising if he was a bust, and cleveland loves busts.
5. Oakland? Yeah. It's Oakland. Mike Evans- WR Texas A and M, yes the same one. Oakland just paid a new quarterback who is very good at throwing interceptions, so why not get a really big receiver who could turn some of those interceptions into receptions? (It's sound strategy, just trust me.
6. Atlanta- I had to look this one up too. I don't know how people do this. Whichever Matthews. Texas A and M again. There are two Matthews brothers and one of them is already in the NFL but this one's his brother. They need someone to protect Matt Ryan so he can throw it to Julio Jones ASSUMING HE DOESN'T GET HURT THE DAY AFTER I TRADE FOR HIM IN FANTASY FOOTBALL.
7. Tampa Bay- Sammie Watkins. Wide Receiver. Clemson. I guess he's good. I don't really know that much about him or what Tampa Bay needs, so this pick fits.
8. Minnesota- Eric Ebron. Tight End. North Carolina. I don't really know if Minnesota needs a tight end, but I do know that Seattle will need one in a few years, so this pick makes sense.
9. Buffalo- Taylor Lewan. Offensive Lineman. Michigan. Full disclosure, I'm going to forget about a really good player, and then around pick 20 something be like dang it, but I won't want to go back and change anything. But you won't notice, so it's fine.
10. Detroit- Justin Gilbert. Cornerback. I straight up took this pick off the mock draft I'm looking at to keep track of who picks where. I don't even know why I'm doing this anymore.
11. Tennessee- Teddy Bridgewater. Quarterback. Some say he's the best quarterback in the draft. Some don't like him because they hear good things about him but then they see he's black, so they find ways to disparage him because they don't want to confront their own racist tendencies. Plus Jake Locker's not getting any better.
12. Giants- Anthony Barr. Pass Rusher. UCLA. Do you really care about the Giants?
13. The Rams again. Ha Ha Clinton-Dix. The rams need a safety and yes I swear that's his name. Isn't it the best?
14. Chicago- Aaron Donald. DT. Pitt? I follow a guy who likes the bears and this is who he wants them to take. This one's for you, guy.
15. Pittsburgh- Louis Nix III DT Notre Dame. I want to say Pittsburgh needs a nose tackle and whenever Pittsburgh or Baltimore have a weirdly bad year they draft a defensive player or Ben Roethlisberger and everything is fine.
16. Dallas Cowboys- Derek Carr. Quarterback. Fresno State. This will never happen but wouldn't it be amazing? (You see, the cowboys have a good quarterback but the fans hate him. And this would be a really stupid move of them that might appease some fans but alienate others.)
17. Baltimore- Darqueze Dennard. Cornerback. Michigan State. Do you really care about the descriptions anymore?
18. NY Jets- Timmy Jernigan. DT. Florida State. I like Rex Ryan and I want to give him a good player and he seems to like defensive players.
19. Miami- Odell Beckham Jr. I assume Miami needs receivers. It is Miami after all. (I'm hoping that comes off as a vague drugs joke.
20. Arizona- CJ Mosely Line Backer Roll Tide. Arizona has a good defense but they want a better one and CJ Mosely is good. Do I have to keep validating my very weird very specific opinion on what could happen in an extreme long shot?
21. Green Bay. Calvin Pryor. Safety. Louisville. At this point, I really just want to get to Seattle.
22. Philadelphia- Brandin Cooks. WR. Oregon State. They need a new fast receiver because they cut their old one.
23. Kansas City. I feel like I'm forgetting somebody really good. Oh. Justin Gilbert. Uhh, they'll pick Justin Gilbert because they play in the same division as Denver, and you can never have too many corners against Peyton Manning next year and then Brock Osweiler every year after that. (Editor's note: I in fact did not forget Justin Gilbert. So... Joel Bitonio?)
24. Cinncinnati- Kelvin Benjamin. WR. Florida St. They already have a big WR, but when Andy Dalton is your quarterback, you can never have too many. That was a sick andy dalton burn.
25. San Diego- Zack Martin. Notre Dame. I don't know what position he plays but on the Mock Draft I'm using to keep track of who picks where, he went a while ago and I forgot about him.
26. Cleveland. Bradley Roby. Again, I think this has high bust potential.
27. New Orleans Saints. Dee Ford. DE Auburn. He's really good and they need him probably or whatever I hate this now I might not even post it.
28. Carolina- Davante Adams. Dangit I wanted him to go to Seattle. But haha the panthers don't have any receivers. Haha panthers haha.
29. New England Patriots- Jace Amaro- All of their good tight ends are currently on trial for murder or Rob Gronkowski, so here's hoping this Jace kid can really catch the ol rock, eh?
30. I just remembered the reason I wanted to do this is because I wanted to describe one player as "he fancies himself the prettiest girl at the ball."
30. San Francisco- Kony Ealy- Defensive End- Missouri- When was the last time taking a DE from Missouri didn't work out for San Francisco?
31. Denver- Kyle Fuller- Cornerback Virginia Tech. He fancies himself the prettiest girl at the ball. Plus somebody's got to cover all them receivers in practice am I right?
32. Seattle- I realize now this was a pointless exercise. I'm sorry for wasting your time and mine. And I just realized who I forgot. I'm not giving him to seattle, I'm going to pick one more for houston and then stop. Seattle takes Demarcus Lawrence. DE Boise State.
33. Houston- Blake Bortles- Quarterback- Houston. WOWOWOWOWOW what luck for Houston! They get the best player in the draft and then arguably a top 5 quarterback in Big Bad Blake Bortles? In the second round? Look out AFC South.
