I can't decide if this is a cry for help or not.

I've heard the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. So, in front of the three people who could possibly read this, I'm going to admit that I have a problem. I will watch literally any TV show on Netflix. I don't often watch TV shows regularly when the episodes are new, because I can either remember what day and time a show is on, or know what day it is, but not both simultaneously. Netflix has solved this problem for me, but it has presented a new problem. 

Someone I know recently told me about a show that he described as prematurely canceled. My mind immediately went to Arrested Development, which I like and have watched in its entirety. So, naturally I was intrigued. I went home and watched the first episode and it's laughable at best. I finished watching the show when the person who told me about it was present, mainly so I could berate it in front of him. We finished the next episode and proceeded to watch the next few. The person whom I will never let live down telling me about this show left and my brother and I are now on season two. It's a serious problem, and I am currently searching for a group to help (Update: Wikipedia says television addiction is a real thing. I don't actually think I have that. But I would be interested in a group of people who like terrible TV shows to commiserate with.) That all got a little too serious. Here is a list of terrible TV shows that I have watched, am watching, or would consider watching.

Reaper: This is the show I was talking about. It's about a boy whose parents sold his soul to the devil before he was born. Supernatural legal ramifications not withstanding, the rest of the show doesn't improve much. The parents, of course think they can outsmart the devil by not having kids, but they can't trick a trickster. The devil gets a doctor to lie to them and tell them they can't have kids, so they of course take advantage of that news like any married christian adults would. They have a kid, and the devil comes to collect on his 21st birthday for some reason. The devil does not kill the kid, or have him kill people, he has him 'return escaped souls to hell.' Put best by the devil, played by that one guy from that one thing, describes the show best right after he gives him the news: "That's cool, right?" Which, to me is the creators of the show saying "please let it be cool please let it be cool please let it be cool." If you like going "Hey, it's that guy" this is the show for you.

Firefly: People really like this show apparently. It's morally ambiguous space cowboys in the future. There's a Baldwin in it, and he's apparently really dumb and I think he has a girl's name. The captain is now on another show that people apparently like, and his accent is "guy who watched too many cowboy movies as a kid."  There is an intergalactic prostitute, and a government experiment, and a preacher, and a Rosie-the-riveter mechanic. I think this is what would happen if you combined every movie ever. It's all very confusing and cheesy and the characters are basically cartoons, and I think I've seen every episode and the movie.

Doctor Who: I can only speak for the new episodes, I haven't seen anything before it was rebooted. The premise is ridiculous. It's space detective who can never die, and while they don't really have a low special effects budget, they want you to think that they do. Most of the problems are caused by a problem that either can't be seen, or could be bought at Fred Meyer. Some of his more iconic nemeses include rolling trash cans, and creatures that turn into statues when anyone looks at them. Other favorites include the episode with robots so small they couldn't be seen, and the various shape shifters, possessed people and monsters that can only be seen by certain people. By the way, he has a screw driver that can do anything and instead of dying, he just turns into a different British guy. New episodes start in August. 

Torchwood: It's an anagram of Doctor Who. Get it?

Olympics

The Olympics are coming up, probably, so this is as good a time as any for some Olympic trivia. If you're like me, you've always wanted to know what the Olympic rings represent, and you're subconsciously biased toward the odd numbered years. Well, I have answers. According to some article, the Olympic rings were debuted at the 1920 Olympic games in Antwerp. The colors represent the six colors, including white, found on all the flags in the world at the time. What about the rings? They represent the five inhabited continents of the world. Take that Australia.

It's a well known fact that there are people who live on the godless wasteland of Australia. So, logically if it doesn't qualify as an inhabited continent, and it is inhabited, it must not be a continent. If Australia is not a continent, it can only qualify as a godless wasteland, which is true. It has not yet been proven scientifically that the devil does not live in Australia. Frankly, I can understand why he would choose to live there. The commute is shorter. I'm not suggesting that the devil has a job in Australia, but the Australians do worship the lord of darkness. Ask any Australian and they will tell you that they worship the devil in all his forms, literary and physical, including but not limited to Voldemort, all depictions of the biblical Satan, Cthulu, and Kanye West. This is not a shot at the Australian people. They live on this pit of despair, and they are a better people for it. But lets not excuse the British for sticking them there. If we knew then what we know now about Australia, the British would have been tried for war crimes for using it as a penal colony. Everything in Australia will kill you, and there are people who have not yet fled in terror.

Everyone would be better off if Australia sank into the ocean. Unfortunately, the opposite is true. Australia is slowly rising from the depths of nothingness from which it came. The best we, as a society can do is ignore it until it finishes its ascent. Scientists are not yet sure why Australia is rising, but most who are well versed in the subject presume it is to wage a holy war on all that is good in nature. Global warming cannot be linked to the heat created by Australia rising from the pits, but it cannot be proven that is not the cause. Naturally there is no way to stop Australia on its path of destruction, the best we can do is wait. Wait, and hope. Wait and hope, and stay out of Australia.

Red Robin

Rumor has it there is going to be another Red Robin in Vancouver. That will make three without crossing the river and, according to the Red Robin website, 14 near Vancouver. I'm not trying to single out Red Robin. There are two Applebee's on consecutive free way exits. The problem isn't necessarily the restaurant. I wouldn't choose to eat at either, but I won't actively avoid them. The problem is that we are coming up on three Red Robins and three Applebee's off the top of my head. We have roughly eight burger chain restaurant locations not counting fast food, and we have zero good Italian restaurants. I'm not even mentioning the Ol*ve Ga*den or the Old Spaghetti Factory, because the burger places are more egregious. There are at least three places with better burgers than Red Robin and Applebee's. Do you know where there is a good Italian restaurant in Vancouver? That's not a hypothetical question. If you know of a place, leave it in the comments. I've been to four* that I can remember. I don't remember the names, but I will rank them from worst to best:

4: The place where I ordered bolognese. I went to this place once and ordered bolognese. For all I know, they have the world's best bolognese and the one time I ordered it, the cook was in a joking mood. Maybe right when I ordered it, he thought "Hey, wouldn't it be hilarious if I gave this guy spaghetti with red sauce and shredded beef soaked in vinegar on top? Don't worry, I'll overcook the spaghetti." That's the best case scenario. Worst case scenario, they're not 100% sure what bolognese means. They heard somewhere that it has something to do with meat, so they just threw some beef on top. Either way, I'm not going to risk it again.

3. The place where I ordered gnocchi. I went to this place once and ordered gnocchi. I will state the positives first. The bread was pretty good. Now the negatives. Actually, I don't really know if it's a negative. I would say this is a good place to go if you want someone to heat up gnocchi for you and put pizza cheese on it. If you're against melted cheese on pasta, don't worry. It wasn't melted. The biggest problem with these gnocchi is that while time consuming, gnocchi are pretty easy to make. And the difference between prepackaged heated up gnocchi and home-made gnocchi is roughly the same as the difference between eating a ham sandwich and being punched in the throat. I would tolerate being in an unhappy relationship longer than I will tolerate eating prepackaged gnocchi. I would marry a woman just because she makes gnocchi. And in our later years, when we realize the only thing we have in common is that she likes to make gnocchi and I like to eat them, and we begin to hate each other bitterly, but we stay together because it's easier than splitting everything up and trying to meet someone new so late in life, I will be happy because I'm not eating store bought gnocchi. I would rather be a suspect in the investigation surrounding my wife's suspicious death than eat store bought gnocchi. I haven't been back to this place.

2. The place where I ordered spaghetti. I ordered spaghetti at this place for a baseline. I wanted to see if it would be as bad as I thought. It was exactly what I was expecting: overcooked pasta and canned sauce. I would call this place the standard.

1. The place where I ordered carbonara. They put cream in their carbonara. I know there are some people who put cream in their carbonara and some who don't. I prefer it without. This was by far the best pasta in Vancouver. It was OK. I've had better.

*I have been tricked into going to Olive Garden once. I prefer not to acknowledge it.

Summer Movie Primer

I've decided that it's a good point in the summer for a summer movie primer. This will be a definitive source of information for you when deciding what movie to go see during the summer. Since we're already part of the way through the summer movie season, there will be some movies that have come out already, and some that have yet to come out. I of course haven't seen the ones that haven't come out yet, but they will mostly be  movies that I'm anticipating. I'll try to start with the movies that have already come out. I doubt they're all still in theaters but you could probably rent them. I've never rented a movie so I'm not sure how that works.

It seems sketchy to me. You're paying five dollars to have a movie for a few days, when a brand new movie is fifteen dollars max. In essence, the options are pay five dollars to have a movie for three days (or however long, again I've never done it) or pay ten more dollars to have it until you die or give it away or do whatever you want with it. I think the person at the counter at every movie renting store should be legally obligated to say "You know that if you just pay a little bit more you get to keep it forever?" If the person still decides to rent it, their name should be put on a list and their vote shouldn't count. I don't want that person voting for the president.

There are a lot of people I don't actually want voting for the president, unfortunately there is no way to effectively keep them from voting. Maybe if their names were on a list, we could just not count their vote, but then the person who monitors that list would have too much power. There could be someone at the polls turning people away, but again too much power. And that doesn't account for mail in voters. So, until people who rent DVDs instead of buying them can take responsibility for their terrible decisions and abstain from voting for the president, there will be no way to keep these scoundrels from making their voices heard. Actually, the presidency is determined by the electoral college, and not the popular vote anyways, so it doesn't really matter. Onto the movies:

Drive: I realize that it came out in 2011, but it was my favorite movie of 2011. If you're a movie renting communist, you can rent this probably. I don't like to oversell movies, so I'll just say that it was my favorite movie of 2011, and it's on track to be my favorite movie of 2012. Also, every time I see a copy of it on DVD for SALE, the impulse in my brain is "they sell Drive, you need to buy Drive."

True Grit: Again, this one didn't come out this year, but it was good. I would say it was better than the original. If you haven't seen it, you should.

The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo: I promise this is the last movie that didn't come out this year. But this one is really good too, if you don't mind graphic rape scenes.

The Hunger Games: I haven't read the books or anything, but it wasn't bad if you don't mind teen love stories.

The Avengers: The Avengers was good, if you don't mind super hero movies. And if you haven't seen the other three (Iron Man, Thor, and Captain America), they're pretty good if you don't mind super hero movies.

Safety Not Guaranteed: I liked this one. It might be out of theaters already. It's good if you like Mark Duplass ventures.

Brave: I liked it. The short wasn't my favorite. My favorite is the one where the old guy plays chess with himself. The word "chess" really saved that sentence. It's good if you like animated movies.

Moonrise Kingdom: Go see Moonrise Kingdom.

That's all the good summer movies I can think of so far. You can officially skip The Lorax. You're welcome. I haven't seen Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter yet. Oh, I'll start the ones I haven't seen yet.

Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter: I haven't seen this yet, but I read the book. The book was weird, and I don't see how they can make a good movie out of it. It's one third biographical, one third vampire hunting, and one third pro union propaganda.

You'll notice I've stopped the Drive related links. I don't want to associate any of these movies I haven't seen with Drive, in case they're not good. 

Wait I forgot a good one. The Amazing Spider-man is good if you like Spider-man movies.

Ted: Go ahead and skip it.

Dark Knight Rises: I'll probably see this one, even though Christian Bale was part of the team that ruined the Terminator franchise.

Terminator: I realize it came out in the 80's but it's great, and I heard that some theater in Portland was just playing it. Go see it, or if you OWN it on DVD you should watch it.

Well, that's all the movies I can think of that come out this summer. If there's one I forgot, leave it in the comments, and I'll tell you whether or not to see it. Have fun watching Drive.