Dear CARA:

On Friday night I went and saw Haywire, and afterwards, I couldn't get home fast enough. According to the internet, CARA is responsible for movie ratings. I can't find any way to contact them on their website, so an open letter seemed like the next best option. 

Dear CARA: 

Firstly, let me say that your website is awful. It makes it very difficult for anyone to contact you which is frustrating to people like me who are looking to heap praise on you. I went and saw Haywire on Friday, and as you may well know, it was rated R for "some violence." I assume this was done tongue in cheek. I found the amount of violence in Haywire to be nauseating to say the least. However, don't think for a second that I am unhappy with your rating. I can't begin to tell you how happy I am that someone finally stood up to the big bad movie makers who always want to expose our children to all that punching, and kicking, and elbowing. Movie makers need to know that they can't just make whatever slaughter fest they want. They need to be taught a lesson.

While I agree with your rating of Haywire, I feel you have more than missed the mark on some others. The following is a list of movies and or TV shows and or people that I think should be R rated, and the reasons:

Red: Karl Urban says fuck at the end, so it has as many fucks as Haywire, yet it's rated PG-13. Also, I realize and agree that this letter should be rated R since I've now said fuck three times. 

Spider-man: Kirsten Dunst and Spider-man share a kiss that rivals the only kiss in Haywire on it's length and overall vulgarity, yet Spider-man is inexplicably rated PG-13. 

Violence in movies has gone unchecked for far too long, and I for one am glad someone is finally taking a stand. But the job is nowhere near done. There are too many violent movies that should be rated R to list individually, so I'm going to list them all in a group. Here goes: The aforementioned Spider-man and Red, Tintin, the star wars saga, all the Lord of the Rings movies, the original Power Rangers Movie, the Power Rangers TV series, all of the Terminator movies, all of the Bourne movies, all of the X-men movies, the NFL, MMA, the family guy fights between Peter and the chicken, the preview for Ghost rider 2, G.I. Joe, all the transformer movies, rap videos (I assume, I try to avoid them), any movie starring Will Smith, any Bill Murray movie except for Groundhog day, Chris Brown as a person, that game between the Pacers and the Pistons like 8 years ago that got all those players suspended, boxing, High School, all of the Indiana Jones movies, the episode of The League with the self defense class, rugby, cartoons mostly, every Mario game ever, Up (for gore), the WWE (WWE Superstar Edge in particular), martial arts in general, High School Wrestling, Middle School Wrestling (we have to stop pretending it doesn't exist and start addressing the problem), The Pacifier, any movie starring or featuring Vin Diesel, G.I. Joe the cartoon, and finally, Dwayne Johnson's collective works. 

I'm sure that I am missing some, but I think I got most of the main offenders. Thank you again for protecting all audiences under seventeen from the bloodbath that is Haywire, and if you would like my help in rating movies, feel free to contact me. 

Sincerely,

@zackburton