Fame

I don’t need to be rich. I don’t ever want to use all of my stored up clever ideas for cardboard signs, but I don’t need to be fabulously wealthy. Even in my wildest dreams, I’m never in a gold yacht wearing an uncomfortable gold suit eating a bowl full of money. However, I would like to someday be famous. I don’t need to be recognizable. I really am just hoping to one day be famous enough to use it to my advantage.

The rise to fame is charted easily enough. First, some non famous person does something that is enjoyed by the famous and maybe even the non famous. After that, they become wildly popular. The popularity is directly proportional to how great of a thing they’ve done. If they’ve done something incredible, like write a series of books about vampires and werewolves, they’ll become incredibly popular. However, if they’ve only done something average, like make a TV show about the government, they’ll only be averagely popular.

After this, they do something that’s deemed by the public as ‘selling out.’ This is when the popular person starts to advertise a product either on TV, the radio or otherwise. Once this happens, the popular person’s reputation is at the mercy of the people. The consequences can be anywhere from drastic to catastrophic. The public tends not to like the sell out because they seem to be cheap, or soulless, or whorish, or William Shatner. The public, as per usual, could not be any more wrong.

In most cases, the extremely famous are people, with exceptions for YouTube squirrels, capybaras, and professional athletes. Also in most cases, people like things and tend to use them. However, we as the uninformed masses tend to forget that these people like things and use them, so when they start to say that they like things we get upset. William Shatner wants me to use a website to book all of my trips. Who am I to say that William Shatner doesn’t love Priceline more than his first born? Maybe he has it as his home screen, wallpaper, and somehow as his wall paper in his house?

This is precisely why I want to be famous. Because I understand at least one thing about advertising: if you advertise someone’s product, they will reward you for it. I’m sure that William Shatner has never had to pay to use Priceline in his life. When (if) (but really, when) I become at least mildly famous, I will use this facet of my fame until it’s long past worn out. I will sell, pitch, and peddle every product that strikes my fancy.

My fancy is not easily struck, mind you. And since I don’t want to “sell out” after I become famous, I’m going to start now. I’m going to now pitch, in order, every product that I can confidently recommend without fear of a negative response. That way, when I become famous, I will already have a reputation as somewhat of a peddler, and if I become instantly successful, like I imagine I won’t, maybe I will see some instant return.

Ruby Jewel Ice Cream Sandwiches

Ruby Jewel is a brand of Ice Cream Sandwiches. Therefore, they might not be for people who don’t enjoy dairy, or sugar, or the happiness of a child on Christmas Morning. I’m not sure how they are made, but I think one is made every time a virginity is lost. I think the ice cream may be scooped from the clouds, although I can’t confirm that either. If I were to go to the doctor tomorrow and he were to tell me that I had contracted a horrible cancer from all the ice cream sandwiches I had eaten and I only had six months to live, I would laugh at him. Because my doctor is a pessimist, and the pessimist sees my hypothetical disease as a tragic end to a short life. But I am an optimist. And the optimist sees my six months to live as six more months to eat ice cream sandwiches. Ruby Jewel ice cream sandwiches come in seven flavors that I’ve seen. They all have one flavor of cookie and another flavor of ice cream. The cookies are always soft. I can only assume that there is some terrible chemical additive that makes the cookies soft. However, if you were to tell me that this chemical was the blood of those African children who want ten cents a day, I would still eat them. If you were to tell me that I had a choice between soft cookies and a solution to the economic problems of the world, I would gladly take soft cookies. I would eat my ice cream sandwiches and laugh at the news knowing I could have made a difference. I can not be convinced that my love of Ruby Jewel ice cream sandwiches did not kill Kim Jong Il. Fire and water rain down from the sky, there are monkeys who can speak sign language, who’s to say that pure love of an ice cream sandwich can’t bring down a Korean dictator? I would trade my first born for a Ruby Jewel ice cream sandwich. In fact, I wouldn’t even have to think about it. I would trade my first born for the opportunity to overpay for a Ruby Jewel. There is no peace in the middle east because Ruby Jewel is made in Portland, and as far as I know, they don’t ship to the middle east.. There is one flaw to Ruby Jewel. You can only choose one flavor at a time. The correct choice would of course be to choose all the flavors simultaneously. However, I have not yet figured out how to accomplish this. So, no matter which flavor you choose, you have chosen the wrong flavor. If you’re wondering, my personal favorite is either lemon and honey lavender, Double chocolate and mint, cinnamon and espresso, double chocolate and peanut butter, ginger and pumpkin, salted caramel and dark chocolate, or chocolate chip and vanilla. It’s been almost a month since I’ve had a Ruby Jewel ice cream sandwich. Don’t confuse this for tiring of their perfection. I am for gay marriage for one reason. One of the arguments against gay marriage is that once a man can marry a man, that would open the floodgates. If marriage is no longer between a man and a woman, who is to say that a man can’t marry his dog, or a duck. I’m hoping this does happen, and it leads to a dramatic series of events that ends in humans being able to marry other humans, animals, inanimate objects, ideas, and feelings. It is at that point that I will choose my bride: a lemon and honey lavender ruby jewel ice cream sandwich. Our love is so deep that I can go a month without having one. It’s the equivalent of letting my girlfriend hang out with her guy friends (I assume, I’ve never been in this situation.) I know that at the end of the day, the Lemon Honey Lavender Ruby Jewel ice cream sandwich only wants to come home with me.

Oxygen

Oxygen is good. It keeps us alive, and also fire needs oxygen to burn.