Todd VanDerWerff is shitty.

On the popular website twitter.com, supposed "TV" "Critic" Todd "VanDerWerff" just now complained about the lack of people on the internet saying he was shitty. I can only assume because he is not shitty, but when a friend asks for help, I answer the call. I wouldn't call him a friend, but also when a stranger on the internet makes comments about the lack of people saying he's shitty, I make up some reasons why he's shitty. So, here are some reasons why Todd VanDerWerff is shitty.

1. He capitalizes too many letters in his last name. It's like, come on. Do you really need all those capitals? Who are you trying to impress?

2. His twitter picture is a goofy owl (I think) and I don't get the reference. He should pander directly to me, personally. In fact, I think I should be able to text or email him a picture suggestion and he should change it, no questions act.

3. What do we really know about Todd VanDerWerff? I mean, what kind of a name is Todd, anyways? I don't trust the parents that would name another human being "Todd" to raise children. Actually, scratch that, I forgot either the fox or the hound from The Fox and the Hound is named Todd. I think it's the fox.

4. Has he even been to the moon?

5. He spends a lot of time watching television, and I have it from several good authorities that TV rots your brain. Shouldn't we question the consistency of Mr. VanDerWerff's brain at this point?

6. He might not like my favorite shows. I don't actually know on this one. It's just too tough to nail down a list of "favorite shows."

7. The name Todd is growing on me. Is the name Todd a parasite? That would be a negative.

8. What kind of a twitter handle is tvoti? I mean seriously, again, I don't get the reference.

9. He has googled himself at least once, or he's a liar. Neither of these are positives.

10. What's his stance on slavery? I'm against it, but what about him? Why is he silent on the issue?

11. He didn't even sign the declaration of independence.

12. Just what kind of a name is VanDerWerff? (I actually like typing it now.)

13. He's never loaned me money.

14. He's never even seen my TV show.

15. He's probably not going to read this. And for all I know, he likes the bands I don't like.

Take that, jerk.