New Job!

Hey, I know I haven't posted on here in a while, but it's for a good reason. I got a new job, so I've been super busy with the transition. It's a job that I didn't really know existed so it's a lot to learn. Actually the reason I am writing this is because it's all kind of weird. Like, I've never really been in a situation like this, and everybody I work with is weird, so I don't really have anyone to talk to. So really, I guess I'm just here to vent?

Even the way I got the job was weird. Like, I was standing in line at a Starbucks at 3 in the afternoon, which is the perfect time to go to a Starbucks if you have nothing else to do. You'll be out barista-ed 2-1 easily. Anyways, the guy behind me asked if I was unemployed, and I said no I'm a spy, (unemployed people and international spies are the only people in Starbucks at 3 PM.) And he said do you want a job, and I said does anybody really want a job?

He didn't really laugh, so I was in the process of kissing that job good bye when he asked me the weirdest interview question I've ever been asked. He asked me, and I quote "Can you do anything?"

I started listing my skills.
"I'm pretty good at Mario. I can make some kinds of pasta. Um... I can skin a buck. I can run a"
He cut me off before I could be embarrassed at how short the list was.

"No, I mean can you do most things."

I don't know, I mean there's a lot of things, I told him. I can't like fly an airplane or commit to a relationship, but I don't think I'm the dumbest person ever.

"We just need someone who can do most things. We'll compensate you adequately. This address tomorrow at 8? Of course. You'll be great."

Getting up early isn't really one of the things I do well, but I have been running out of beer money so I agreed. I was only 15 minutes late my first day. A new record. I showed up and I swear to you, whoever's reading this, that it was an empty office with a desk in the front. And a computer on the desk. The guy who I guess hired me and another guy were just standing there by the desk.

"You're late." The guy who hired me seemed like an asshole at the Starbucks, and apparently one of my skills is judging people based on their first impression.

I apologized and complained about traffic or whatever, and they didn't really buy it. Next time I'm going to leave off the whatever. They told me this would be my desk, and they would have a room in the back. I am to let nobody through to the back. That's very key apparently. If they're looking for walk in customers, one of them will be out with me. I am also to take email requests and forward the good ones. They said I would know what the good ones were. Also, I am to listen to voice mails at the end of the day. The phone was apparently set up by a living breathing saint. It does not ring. If you call their number (I assume they advertise) it's I guess just a complicated labyrinth of voice mail number pressings (for x, press 1, for y press 2) that's designed to end in a voice mail left. However, if line 2 ever rings, I am to pick up the phone, say nothing, and come get one of them. Oh, and if a walk in comes in, I am to look as disinterested as possible. My goal is that the walk in walks out.

And those are all my instructions. But it's $20 an hour. I asked if they would hire my friend and they said they only needed one person and it would be me.

I didn't sign any paper work. I don't think these guys have ever hired anyone before. We started negotiating at $12 an hour and got up to 20.

So I started right away, and after 45 minutes of sitting alone on the computer, some lady comes into the office in a desperate heap. She needs to find her daughter.

My first two thoughts are "I'll find your daughter if she's single and between 22 and 29" and "Wait shit do these guys expect me to just turn her away? Her daughter is missing. Also, is that what these guys do? Find missing people?" And there must be hidden cameras somewhere, because I got an email as she was talking.

"Send her away. Requests must be in writing."

So I put on my best asshole pants, and I went to work.

"Just how exactly do you lose a daughter?"
The lady was indignant. She demanded to see a boss. I was on the right track.
"Well, they're out to, what time is it? Noon? They're out to dinner. But if your daughter gets her looks from her dad, or maybe you have a more attractive sister, I'll help you find her."

Yeah, so that was the first time I've intentionally made a woman cry, and the first time I've gotten paid, and then even rewarded to do so. I'll keep you updated. I think I'm going to be on the internet a lot.